This reminds me of after 9/11 when we decided the only way to be safe is for everyone to own a plane.

To anyone that I've offended: Could you please make me a list of acceptable topics? I want to build a fan base of humorless prudes.

Prostitutes are like hotel fitness rooms. I doubt I'm going to use them, but it's nice to know they're there.

This bookstore doesn't seem to have any books on feminism. I've scoured the whole cooking section.

Babies are always pulling that cutesy bullshit. Grow up.

I don't get republican's war on Planned Parenthood. You hate poor people. Why do you want more of them breeding?

The next person that calls a sport player's performance 'heroic', should be drafted into the military.

Boobs are just pawns in the vagina's master plan.

I don't know why people can't identify with the child laborers in China. We've all been in their shoes.

"Are you sure?" - No tattoo artist

Politicians waste a lot of money on ads accusing one another of wasting a lot of money.

I typically vote for whoever has the biggest American flag pin on their suit. Well played, Romney. #debates

One thing I've learned from puking is how little I chew.

Great news! I just found out that I'll be doing Conan on Thursday! Please tune in and spread the word for me! Thanks!!!

I don't know what I'm conditioning my hair for but surely when the moment comes, my hair will be ready.

NC shouldn't be so paranoid. Gays like tight assholes; not big, dumb ones.

I make a dumb face after sex because I suffer from immature ejaculation.

If you go into a Subway in LA, there really are artists making the sandwiches.

How is it that women can't get pregnant from anal yet roughly 93% of humans descended from assholes?

Unplanned children are ruining the world. Unless you have one in which case, what I meant to say was CONGRATULATIONS!