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bathroom graffiti is the poor man's twitter feed
i hate it when i flex and rip my tee, revealing my gorgeous washboard abs & then all of these girls appear out of nowhere and then i wake up
damn, my manicurist really nailed it
you ever get the feeling that someone's watching you watch that girl jogging in the park from behind the bushes?
tried to buy a PS4 but ended up leaving with seven tickle-me-elmos instead
fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. fool me three times, okay you can stop now. fool me four times, this isn't cool man.
thinking about taking a half-eaten jar of Nutella to prom
"this too shall pass" –my grandfather on his kidney stones
pretty sure i'm the michael jordan of napping
vegetarians must be the nicest people ever because they can't have beef with anyone
when i die bury me in a coffin made of poptarts
was stopped by a homeless man on the street & i told him he should try to be the change he wishes to see in the world. he spat in my face
at an Eagle Scout ceremony. there are no eagles here. this is bullshit.
thinking about getting knuckle tattoos that read "please no"
million dollar idea: chicken strip clubs
more like tosh.no because it's just recycled garbage and dick jokes and i really want to sleep
i've got a bone to pick with skeletons
(i'm so sorry)
after much deliberation i've decided the best way to die would be a gummy bear attack