Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can't think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can't say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

I want a woman that makes my dick hard.

Not my life.

Killing yourself doesn't end the pain.


It passes it on to others.

I think women go bat shit crazy every once in a while just to let us know they're tired of being the responsible one.

I see dead people.

Well technically they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

This ugly chick at the bar told me her favorite position is doggy-style.

Bitch please, like you have a choice.

It's really hard to find a great woman.


Because they don't need a man.

Don't worry about who following you or who's not following back.

Worry about why that worries you.

What's black and never works?



Decaffeinated coffee you racist fuck.

I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hate-fuck Flo from Progressive.

You guys are fucking hilarious!

You can make sexist, racist, and fascist jokes all fucking day.

But god forbid you misspell or steal it.

If at any point your religion makes you hate another person,

either you're a hypocrite or your religion is.

Do you know what an RT says to me?


That you're not ashamed to be my friend.

Fuck tweeting like no one is watching.


Tweet like you're trying to get unfollowed.

People think Twitter is about who to follow or who follows you.

It's about tweets. Tweet what you like and follow the tweets that you like.

I think Facebook would draw more Tweeters to their network if they would change their 'Poke' feature to 'Stab'.

I thought I was in line to vote.

Walked away with Halo 4.

No regrets! Tell someone you love exactly that. No matter how hard you think it might be, because saying it to a gravestone is a LOT harder.

My wife is playing hard to get.


Rid of.

We are a society that idiot-proofs stuff,

instead of educating idiots.