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My wife gets mad when I don't thank her for dinner.
I never get a thank you for the house or cars or the kids ...
forget I said anything.
We actually have zombies today.
But instead of brains, they're obsessed with their phones.
Love women. If religion said I couldn't love women, I could only love another man, we would've burned that institution to the ground by now.
Puts in gas, sits & reads tweets (click)
Resets nozzle, sits (click)
Resets nozzle again (click)
Burns down gas station.
Don't underestimate the loyalty of ugly people.
I'm not a complete idiot.
You complete me.
Whenever dudes are assholes on Xbox Live I tell them "Jesus loves you brother"
Little do they know, Jesus is my gay brother-in-law.
I never understood my dad. He'd say stuff like "You can't turn a possum into a chicken"
Now I know he was just talkin bout my mom's cooking
My daughter is making chocolate chip cookies and I'm the guinea pig.
The things I do for my family.
I'd rather have a wife that's great in bed than in the kitchen.
I prefer to eat out if you know what I mean.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
We're up all night to get sucky/fucky.
I love your "Text and drive, text and die!" bumper sticker.
It didn't even take me that long to read it while I was driving.
Pets... but for pets.
Life is a work in progress.
Ironically, most of you are unemployed.
My barista had my coffee waiting for me, words can't describe the love I feel for her right now.
I wish tweet theft was a real thing and someone would steal them all.
What a waste of time.
I'm just joking, it's sad that I actually have to tell you that though.
You guys are funny.
Not funny funny, you're an idiot funny.
Twitter should be an escape, not a destination. http://favstar.fm/users/shanethevein