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Asked a guy at Starbucks if he worked there, he replied in "Do I look like I work here?"
I said no, you look like you're here for free wifi
Hate has an agenda.
Love doesn't, but it should.
If you guys aren't helping could you please stop feeding the fire?
I heart wants what the heart wants.
The heart also talks in the third person.
No matter what the verdict I'm going to refrain from tweeting.
My wife asked me how to thaw a turkey?
I said I usually just tell your mom a few jokes. If that doesn't work there's always alcohol.
I remember when chicks were flat and my television had a big booty.
If you can't have your cake and eat it too then WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE CAKE?!
Except for the person hosting.
I'm trying to explain to my wife's friends that you can take a trip somewhere without actually taking pictures.
They seem dumbfounded.
My wife says I can't wear my football jersey to church.
I hate when they put these sappy heart warming stories on before football games.
THERE'S NO CRYING BEFORE FOOTBALL!
My personal relationship with my penis is a long one.
I'm not surprised at the tweets I find in my draft folder after a night of drinking.
I am surprised that they make it into the folder.
My wife forced me to go wine tasting.
I'd rather be rum drinking.
People have unfollowed me because I don't retweet enough.
This isn't a competition. If it were I'd be handing out trophies.
If Joe Friday from Dragnet was black I bet the day after Thanksgiving would've been called something else.
We have a swear jar at work. After I cussed they said "A dollar" then pointed to a jar full of money
First time I've ever been paid to cuss
Thanks to the ever funny @robfee @robfee for the Mandatory love. #FF
Twitter should be an escape, not a destination. http://favstar.fm/users/shanethevein