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I'm close to my mother.
So I got up and moved to the couch.
But for police officers.
Just once I'd like to see the President eat that turkey instead.
In the Kardashian household it's just known as Friday.
Someone told me that my tweets are stupid.
I don't think he understands that's what tweeting is.
My ex said I was a HUGE mistake.
I said "You know" and winked.
Killing in the name of religion?
That's so 16th century.
Why would you have stones in a glass house?
Sometimes things don't work out for a reason.
Like you're an asshole.
No thanks, giving.
This year I'm giving thanks to alcohol.
I'd know the Constitution of United States of America if it was the lyrics to a song.
Be tolerant of your family this Thanksgiving. For some, this is the first time you've seen em all year.
It's Thanksgiving, not fucks-given.
Why do these fat people with NASCAR bumper stickers on their vehicles drive so slow?
So now instead of selfies they're doing selfie videos.
You guys are some special sort of fucked up.
I'm not trying to be racist here but would it kill you to wear something bright at night black pedestrians?
It'll lower the odds anyways.
I don't get guys who get caught with a condom in their wallet.
That's where the money is, that's the first place she'd look.
I first chance I usually get to sit down on a Monday is usually on the can.
God help anyone who bothers me.
Call me old fashioned but I like to read your tweets on your timeline.
Twitter should be an escape, not a destination. http://favstar.fm/users/shanethevein/recent
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