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What should we do with this old bread?
I know, let's throw it on a salad.
Good looking people who are single are either
A drunk test app,
but as a cover for entering a bar.
Sometimes I think my wife is only with me so I can show her how to use the shower in a hotel room.
Lunchables, but for breakfast.
Do people still ask "What's my name?" in bed?
It's been so long.
I like DJs named after animals and DJs that make songs about animals.
Last week I was late for my doctor's appointment so they canceled & charged me anyway
Today I was early & now I've been waiting for an hour
Me and the wife are planning a weekend getaway.
Do I really need to finish this joke?
Resident Evil is just the legal jargon for kids right?
I forgot that today was Jackie Robinson day because of Tax day.
Even after his death he's not treated fairly.
It's not a typo if you trophy it.
I think there should be a day where you can only make jokes about yourself.
And no, not April first.
My got really excited when she was carded at this bar.
I said "You know only old are happy to be carded right?"
I was checking out a hot client & my secretary says "You're married"
I said I'm married not dead
She says I'll be both when she tells her.
Twitter should be an escape, not a destination. http://favstar.fm/users/shanethevein/recent
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