My wife gets mad when I don't thank her for dinner.

I never get a thank you for the house or cars or the kids ...

forget I said anything.

We actually have zombies today.

But instead of brains, they're obsessed with their phones.

Love women. If religion said I couldn't love women, I could only love another man, we would've burned that institution to the ground by now.

Puts in gas, sits & reads tweets (click)

Resets nozzle, sits (click)

Resets nozzle again (click)

Burns down gas station.

Writes tweet.

Don't underestimate the loyalty of ugly people.

I'm not a complete idiot.

You complete me.

Whenever dudes are assholes on Xbox Live I tell them "Jesus loves you brother"

Little do they know, Jesus is my gay brother-in-law.

I never understood my dad. He'd say stuff like "You can't turn a possum into a chicken"

Now I know he was just talkin bout my mom's cooking

My daughter is making chocolate chip cookies and I'm the guinea pig.

The things I do for my family.

I'd rather have a wife that's great in bed than in the kitchen.

I prefer to eat out if you know what I mean.

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

We're up all night to get sucky/fucky.

I love your "Text and drive, text and die!" bumper sticker.

It didn't even take me that long to read it while I was driving.

Pets... but for pets.

Life is a work in progress.

Ironically, most of you are unemployed.

My barista had my coffee waiting for me, words can't describe the love I feel for her right now.

Thanks for the trophy @annaoverby. Doggystyle is for chicks who look like a dog.

I wish tweet theft was a real thing and someone would steal them all.

What a waste of time.

I'm just joking, it's sad that I actually have to tell you that though.

You guys are funny.

Not funny funny, you're an idiot funny.