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Are you smarter than an inmate?
In America we treat our pets better than we do people.
That's because they treat us better than people.
Just sent my wife a kissy face emoji.
Who says romance is dead?
I may not be their best friend but I'm usually the first person they call.
I try to compliment one person every day.
It's usually in the mirror every morning.
I tell my kids that they were miracle babies.
You know, cause whiskey dick.
Someone tried to give me a handshake instead of a fistbump at a business meeting today.
Looking into the stands in the Lions/Seahawks game I think the 12th man needs to skip the 12th meal.
I think that people who say "I'm not a miracle worker" don't really know how miracles works.
I don't mind reading about your political opinion as long as it's not your only opinion.
(puts in favorite CD while driving)
"Daddy, why are you playing a commercial?"
Remember for this Halloween ladies there's a big difference between Catwoman and Catlady.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We'll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
The more followers I get the less people actually read my tweets.
I saw some young college kids at the game today.
I remember being that stupid.
Brunch with your family should be called a Branch.
Get it? Family tree?
They call them "Boyfriend jeans" because they got a bunch of hoes.
Twitter should be an escape, not a destination. http://favstar.fm/users/shanethevein/recent
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