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I'm that asshole who buys everyone a shot then calls you a pussy if you don't drink it.
Pro tip - Draw a dick on your own forehead before drinking tonight so there's no pressure to be the first person to pass out.
I don't care if you have to work on Saturday, there's still something exciting about Fridays.
When you lose trust in the one you admire you lose trust in everyone.
I miss the old days when I would be losing an argument I'd just punch him.
Sucks being a grown up.
We all have that one guy at work that paces back and forth outside of the building on their bluetooth.
I think the girl who moved into the suite next door is flirting with me. She keeps coming into my office to say hi.
She got that Hey fever.
I like to go against the grain and prove my doubters right.
I love how people get themselves verified on a place as meaningless as Twitter.
"No dude, really, it's me".
Typos are a great way to keep yourself humble.
They call it "Raisin the dead" because if it was alive it would call it a grape.
Thanks for the DMs but my tweets are just jokes.
I'm not really that pathetic.
The morning started with a fender bender then my computer crashed at work and now my wife wants a divorce.
Things are starting to look up.
You know how people always wonder why someone unfollowed them?
Fuck it, I drop them a DM first.
I'm nice like that.
I'd rather go on a deaf date.
I like to go to the Men's Wearhouse.
It suits me.
(I'm out of jokes and trying to get a free suit)
It's dangerous driving in San Diego during bikini season.
You're better than that tweet.
I can always tell if a man is talking to a woman on his cell by how violently he moves his free hand.
Twitter should be an escape, not a destination. http://t.co/gtqZ5pdQHs
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