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The love of my life is probably death.
I wonder if a cannibal has ever skipped meals?
Like in hopscotch or something.
Most of you are in a clique here and don't even know it.
I'm "Sweep the leg" years old.
The last time I was nice to somebody it cost me a house and a monthly alimony payment.
One of my suppliers, named Juan, is persistent. Only one here he doesn't bother is also named Juan.
I guess it takes Juan to "No" Juan.
Did they come with a warranty?
My wife says I'm condescending.
I said you would know.
I hate when I have to dumb my jokes down for you guys.
Bradley Manning has officially changed his name to Chelsea Manning.
The only thing different is he now has to sit down when he Wiki-Leaks.
In Europe "Holiday" means vacation, but for a whole month
In America "Holiday" means vacation, but just the day
I prefer the metric system
No, I don't want you to send me an email notification that I talked to you.
I'm talking to you as we speak, I know I talked to you.
My skin growths are now asking for an allowance.
After reading your tweets I see you're emotionally bankrupt too.
That feeling you get when you're wrong? Remorse, apologetic, angry, nonchalant?
That's who you really are.
You can't argue with a woman.
I mean you can, but it'd be pointless.
What? No one told me it was Earth Day.
Congratulations. You look good for being older than dirt.
If you think my typos are bad you should see my kid's.
My sub-tweet may be what I think of you but it's still about me, it's always about me.
Haven't heard anything from Adele in a while.
She must be happy.
Twitter should be an escape, not a destination. http://favstar.fm/users/shanethevein