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Better late than never,
unless you're talking about periods.
Women paint their nails.
The key to a woman's heart is to show her vulnerability.
The key to a trophy are these sort of tweets.
Twitter always has what you need, when you need it, if you follow the right people.
Say it to your face?
I'll do better than that, I'll write it on your face.
I've been neglecting my Twitter duties and couldn't be happier.
Twitter is a way of life.
A really really bad one.
Venice Beach is a dream for psychiatrists.
Or a nightmare.
There's nothing a hot shower and a cold drink can't cure.
I don't mean to brag,
I guess I'm just good at it.
I'd never hope for a couple to break up but if Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel do I have a great bringing sexy back tweet.
Just got a text from the wife to bring home tampons.
Does that count as a sext?
You're not an attention whore if you get paid for it.
FF means Fuck Friday if you work Saturday.
Whenever I hear someone honk their horn behind me I stick my arm out my car window and start waiving vigorously.
If I've ever called you a cunt then you probably did something really really awful.
The funny thing about comedians is that anyone can call themselves a comedian.
It's not like you need a college degree.
I was happier when I didn't know what was going on in the world.
Twitter should be an escape, not a destination. http://favstar.fm/users/shanethevein