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Here's another one of my favorite Christmas tweets
I tell all the girls to act like Lucy working at the chocolate factory.
When it gets hard put it in your mouth.
Does anyone see the irony in Candy Crush?
You have to ask Facebook users to give you a life.
If any of you want to make a small donation in exchange for an #FF holler at me.
Since boob-jobs are so common nowadays aren't all breasts natural?
You don't have issues, magazines have issues
Ya don't have problems, girl with leukemia has problems
You have a situation, it can be fixed
Her body is my playground,
my mind is hers.
I'm not saying your mom is a cheap hoe,
but I saw her name on the dollar menu.
A recent survey says men think twice about dating a woman with a cat.
Which is weird because I only date women for their cat.
If it wasn't for pussy I probably wouldn't have a job right now.
That was a horrible joke guys.
Man I love you weirdos.
Before marriage my wife asked me how many women I've slept with, I said zero.
I usually bail after sex.
"The Desolation of Smaug" sounds so L.A.
You guys aren't really watching that shit are you?
Isn't ironic how the word queer sounds peculiar?
I feel bad for the wife of that dude who speaks really really fast at the end of commercials.
One of my favorite Christmas tweets
You might be a redneck if you have to register your home at the DMV.
Twitter should be an escape, not a destination. http://favstar.fm/users/shanethevein