Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane... ?
What the fuck were they so excited about?

I always get homophone and homophobe mixed up. I just know that one of them secretly likes caulk.

The five stages of waking up:
1. Denial
2. Bargaining
3. Anger
4. Depression
5. Coffee

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to a waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."

The hardest part of lesbian relationships is deciding who gets to be the one who's always right.

Dear Fate, When I ask, "How can this day get any worse?" it's a rhetorical question. Not a challenge.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

The enthusiastic birthday boy finally breaks the piñata. Out tumble hundreds of smaller piñatas. "I hate you, dad." thinks Chris Nolan Jr.

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

My husband complains that I over share on Twitter. Clearly, his hemorrhoids are just making him cranky.

Raw oysters are not aphrodisiacs, but eating them signals potential partners that you'll put just about anything in your mouth.

With all this technology, you'd think they'd be able to make a mirror in which objects are exactly as far away as they appear.

Twitter is perfect for people like me who think of the perfect comeback to an insult 20 minutes later.

They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!"

God is like Justin Bieber. I have nothing against him personally, but his fan club is super annoying.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

I can be up bright or early. Pick one.

After years of cooking, I've found that the best way to prepare brussels sprouts is to throw them away and order pizza.

I thought a Golden Corral was when you crawled throug a tunnel of legs while people peed on you, but this restaurant is much worse.

Son: If you knew how that hot dog was made, you'd never eat it.

Me: If you knew how you were made, you'd lose your lunch.