Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane... ?
What the fuck were they so excited about?

The hardest part of lesbian relationships is deciding who gets to be the one who's always right.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Raw oysters are not aphrodisiacs, but eating them signals potential partners that you'll put just about anything in your mouth.

With all this technology, you'd think they'd be able to make a mirror in which objects are exactly as far away as they appear.

Twitter is perfect for people like me who think of the perfect comeback to an insult 20 minutes later.

They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!"

My husband complains that I over share on Twitter. Clearly, his hemorrhoids are just making him cranky.

Son: If you knew how that hot dog was made, you'd never eat it.

Me: If you knew how you were made, you'd lose your lunch.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

I thought a Golden Corral was when you crawled throug a tunnel of legs while people peed on you, but this restaurant is much worse.

Every time I pull up in my Smart Car, the garage asks, "Is it in yet?"

Waldo must be shitting his pants right now.

I went to donate blood today, but they said they didn't want it in a Ziploc baggie, and also it had to be mine.

My son succeeded in getting a computer virus so malicious, it deleted his own memory of downloading 10 GB of porn.

Psst. Hey. Europe is asleep. Let's talk shit about them.

Your grandma's furniture was probably wrapped in plastic because she was a squirter.

The hardest thing about your kids catching you having sex is explaining why daddy's not there.

The "w" in TwitPic is entirely unnecessary.

Suicide is never the answer, especially to an algebra problem.