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If my mother found me dead she'd put a belt around my neck, remove my pants & scatter porn just so she could say "I Told You So".
How can you go broke making Twinkies when two states just legalized marijuana?
How many of these Lean Cuisine meals does it take before you start losing weight? I had, like, three for lunch & I don't feel any thinner.
If you still have enough friends to hold an intervention you haven't hit rock bottom yet.
I just got flipped off by a little girl wearing pink knit gloves, which is kind of like having a Teletubbie call you an Asshole.
It's not that I'm afraid to live with my mistakes, but my ex gets mad if I don't have them ready when she comes to pick them up.
At Build-a-Bear Workshop parents will pay to let their kids assemble toys, but call it Build a Bear Sweatshop & suddenly you're the bad guy.
Homophobia is a mental illness. That is why crazy people wear straitjackets and not gay jackets.
I will never take for granted the miracle that in a sea of stupidity somehow we managed to find each other.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket? Screw that, I'm not making two trips.
Wife has to work late again tonight so I explained to the kids that Mommie just doesn't love them like I do.
Saw a kid wearing a shirt that said "Property of Jesus" which explains why Jesus is always shirtless in those crucifixion pictures.
My tweets are like my children, I just send them out there seeking the approval of strangers without really giving it a second thought.
I just cashed an $87 check & bank teller asked "How would you like that?" I said "All in hundreds", because I'm a kind of a dick.
Hey Sheryl Crow, If you are looking for a new boyfriend I now have just as many Tour de France victories as Lance and twice as many gonads.
Since daughter isn't doing the laundry she goes through 5 outfits a day. I've worn clothes longer than that in a WalMart dressing room.
It's a good thing that Captain Hook decided to become a Pirate, because he would have made a terrible obstetrician.
I don't know why they gave me this wristband at the hospital, they don't even have a beer tent.
Every morning when I look in the mirror I can't help but feel that life owes me an apology.
My wife gave me a coupon for sexual favors, but I re-gifted it and gave it to my brother because he never spends anything on my gift either.
Green Bay Packer fan, beer drinker, Pre-Renaissance man and constant disappointment to my mother. http://favstar.fm/users/sharky54301