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You know you're old when you find out that your imaginary friend from childhood is now engaged.
Sext: Dr. Awkward is a palindrome.
Right now Romney is frantically looking through his binders for a concession speech but can only find women.
If Miami fans leave the arena now, they can still make it home in time to snort cocaine off of a dead stripper's body.
Stay tuned tonight as I bring to you another classic deadly fight between my cologne and the smell of Desi food.
I've realized that my entire college education was a waste because I didn't even know that Nabisco is short for "National Biscuit Company."
Tworque - the tendency of a force to rotate an object about an axis
τ = r X F where r = ratchedness vector and F = force of female
DID YOU KNOW: If the papal conclave releases smoke rings then that means they've chosen a cool pope.
This entire musical performance by Catherine Zeta-Jones is just to sell us a T-Mobile phone.
This chick has yet to RSVP to the party in my pants I invited her to. #rude
In 2013 Cinderella's magic spell expires after midnight, causing her slippers and carriage to change back into Uggs & a pumpkin spice latté.
I get uncomfortable when someone closes an email to me with "warm regards." I prefer my regards tepid at most.
"So, what do you guys wanna do now? I could get us a table at Chili's." - Joey Fatone
Somebody help! Because of my dyslexia, I keep watching every football game inside a sports bra.