Right now Romney is frantically looking through his binders for a concession speech but can only find women.

Sext: Dr. Awkward is a palindrome.

Watching @sooner_sean do cardio on a stationary bike gives me the motivation I need to walk over to the freezer and heat up some corn dogs.

DID YOU KNOW: If the papal conclave releases smoke rings then that means they've chosen a cool pope.

This entire musical performance by Catherine Zeta-Jones is just to sell us a T-Mobile phone.

As a Muslim, I can't really measure 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. Instead, I have to do 6 degrees of Jeremy Lamb. #ThunderUp

This chick has yet to RSVP to the party in my pants I invited her to. #rude

During these times, let's be thankful for every Oklahoman out there helping. Including this guy wearing this shirt. pic.twitter.com/MJuCYKvctO

Could've watched Jackie Robinson's life story in the movie "42" tonight, but instead I chose to rewatch Chris Bosh's in Jurassic Park 3D.

Job outsourced to India? Get it back by learning how to do the Indian head bob with @doseofbrown & @jenna_marbles.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zYCCrlnqA0 …

I came up with a cool, new handshake for everyone to try. All you need is a blender, ice & some freshly amputated hands.

This is a bit late, but at least the photo is timeless. Happy Birthday, @evatabbani! http://t.co/oTmd0asN

The best part of doing a phone interview is not having to wear any pants, but now I regret telling my interviewer that.

It's very dangerous to hitchhike in Chicago. Worst-case scenario is that you'll get picked up by a party trolley of drunk blondes singing.

I don't understand why I'm the only one chanting "DEFENSE!" during the Miss USA competition.

Calling it right now. #1 is going to be Flynt Flossy. @turquoisejeep RT @defjamrecords: Kanye West Named #3 on MTV's 2011 Hottest MC's List!

Bing must have paid Wiz Khalifa in massive amounts of weed. #Grammys

Oklahoma: Do you know where Texas is? Well, we're right above it. #NewStateMottos

@justinsouthwell "Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."

Drake + Coldplay = Great way to chill on a Thursday. Check it out: http://www.octobersverycold.com/