You know that thing you do with your tongue .. where words come out? Stop.

I think socks have the highest divorce rate.

You think ducks are aware so many people are plotting to fuck them?

I don't know about you guys but I would actually like to see a flying fuck.

I just starred someone I don't follow & he starred me back. Bow chica wow wow..I bet if I rub his star just right I could even get a RT.

That was so thoughtful of me to leave an alcoholic beverage on the nightstand so it would be right there when I woke up.

An inspirational tweeter got in my timeline & now it looks like: fuck, shit, sex, drugs, beer, your mom, I fucked a taco, God loves you.

I'd love to get a drink with you but I'm sorry I can't. I'm managing 3 social media sites right now so I don't have time for a social life.

When I star a tweet that doesn't have 'fuck' in it, a little part of me dies.

My periods late & I don't remember who I DMed last month.

My parents aren't very proud of me, but if they saw what I can do to a chicken wing in 30 secs flat, they'd be having bumper stickers made.

Potted meat actually tastes just like filet mignon, if it was chewed up, blended, run through a garbage disposal, shit on, & then canned.

When someone commits twittercide there should be a little animation that pops up where their avi jumps off a cliff.

If a bear went in the woods & nobody else was around I'd probably fuck him.

I realized at lunch I haven't had sex in 2011. I'm totally gonna fix that after dinner tonight by shooting myself.

I don't understand how fish reproduce. I've never looked in an aquarium & seen two goldfish fucking each other brains out.

If I tweeted something that hurt your feelings, rest assure it's probably not true. And also, fuck you.

If you fuck with socks, you're never fucking me.

When you text someone & there's a 28 hour delay before they answer you, that means they really like you right?

It's a shame it took me having a kid to meet you but now that you're apart of my life I'm never letting you go. I love you juice box.