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I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming "There's still time"
My 2 year old just leaned into me and whispered "the winds blow, and then the thunder comes....." Now I'm terrified and I don't know why.
When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.
I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.
Hate on stoners all you want, but they are the reason we keep getting new favors of Doritos.
Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime. Teach your son how to speak Klingon and he won't have sex till he pays for it.
I got my dad a lighter for Father's Day for when he comes back with those cigarettes he went to get 27 years ago.
Asking a girl if they're a natural blonde or redhead is still the most polite and creepy way of saying "describe your vagina to me."
It's bullshit that all of the adult bath toys are sexual. Sometimes I just want to relax with a boat. An adult boat. Not meant for my ass.
I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.
Having a child means watching the Lion King 12 times a day and masturbating in your car on the way home from work.
How do a baby's legs gain the strength of 10 men when you are trying to change their diaper?
My daughter just saw a poster of Batman and said "That's you Daddy."
Damn right it is.
"English Motherfucker do you speak it?!!" -Me to my 2 year old trying to say the alphabet.
Guys, if your girl ever grabs your dick and says "By the power of Greyskull" be prepared to propose right then and there.
If my kids are being bad at McDonald's I only order them a cheesburger, but I make the clerk call it a Sad Meal.
I'm the little devil on the Devil's shoulder.
