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  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Saw Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez at the local supermarket tonight. #StillShaking #MightBeTheDTs

    • 28
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinJelenaWonderrepomonthedavesherrilljkramblesxKelly8DxJelenaOnTopJustinBfc_br
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    ilovebieber1436luciANDselxjoesgirlfriendKaiqueGomezthatsrupertpaulanalmeidaWhoSaysSelenaaheymmica
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    When is Charles Manson gonna put out a Christmas album?

    • 19
    • FAVS
    missingblakesAlexRomeroINFOJasonBerlinchuckt808darinlovesbaconAMNelson999top_tw_bizartfulwit
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    top_tw_bizfreshasganeshatatetot37arragherfavstar_popdudeinaplacegothjennaStorminNorman0
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Joe Lieberman turns 69 today. Lieberman will celebrate at whichever party benefits him the most.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    AlexRomeroINFOmissingblakesJasonBerlinstvschndrthedavesherrilljkramblesdonniweismanjake
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    rdunn33mansermattiambobbymac
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    I'm never going to talk to a chair the same way again.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinfirerises88korylanphearannetdonahueRonSparksJrcataracsslutdonniThe_Magic_Word
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    IKallinenikeplemonsoldmanweldon
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Madame Curie's radiation experiments caused long-term body damage, so there's a very good chance that she blinded someone with science.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinAlexRomeroINFOHerConsciencemeesanthropeestLCD_77forbin95DougKaropauldanke
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    melshaw001BozMartinpauldanke
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Whorehouse, crack den, check. White supremacist camp, check. My 7-year-old niece is gonna be surprised when she gets her Flat Stanley back.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    missingblakesJasonBerlinRJ_Number8NervesawElephartJames_Shickichdonnisashyjane
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    RJ_Number8sashyjanetarkshouse
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    But more importantly, we're all one degree from actual bacon.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    missingblakesJasonBerlinAlexRomeroINFOejscottthatRamosgirlseanraymondhill
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    JoyceKrebsKristenRose03ejscottikeplemons
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Probably a bad time to try to sell HBO my remake of They Shoot Horses, Don't They?

    • 7
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlingenevievericedorskiijoelkellybrowntamraEliBradenCandiedVinegar
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Michael_S_Kingbrowntamra
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Will Smith is coordinating a new "Annie" film starring his daughter. Because if anyone understands the hard knock life, it's Willow Smith.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinthedavesherrillweismanjakeCandiedVinegarDJFritschaFinnishLinegrantpasashyjane
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    MrMadScience__
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Not a bad speech, Michelle, for someone who doesn't even own a car elevator.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    missingblakesJasonBerlinJeffLovenessSarahKenny12christianduguayHellisWorthitCandiedVinegarMostlyPregnant
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Lindsay Lohan is going to play Elizabeth Taylor in a new TV movie. I'm assuming from age 50 and up.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    missingblakesJasonBerlinTomHanksIsHotcheminreedEdGalvezEliBradendonni
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Zigs26
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Let's face it, Bob Marley was more likely to have been charged with also shooting the deputy than Eric Clapton.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinAlexRomeroINFOVerlierentheJoeBizdonniteamyasumura
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    thatonestarfishteamyasumura
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Turns out Cheney suggested to Bush in 2007 that we bomb Syria. Which means that we were this close to Bush bombing Syracuse.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    missingblakesJasonBerlinaaron0augustTallDarkAndWTFremainchampagne
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    KristinaBillyross_viggianoremainchampagne
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    When are the Black Eyed Peas going to start selling T-shirts to raise money for victims of the Black Eyed Peas?

    • 7
    • FAVS
    missingblakesJasonBerlinthedavesherrillparanoidplasticEliOlsbergTallDarkAndWTFmattpeters
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    fuzzyjosh
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown." - diparagingly to my visiting friend, Jake, when he assumed we were in Little Tokyo.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinthedavesherrillLennySheltonTallDarkAndWTFiheartsoupsdonniEliBraden
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    mrjimcoughlin
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Frank Buckles, the oldest US veteran of WWI, died at age 110. Of, ironically, trench foot.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinthedavesherrillCandiedVinegargrantpaCjchowTallDarkAndWTFteamyasumura
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    teamyasumura
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Sleeping under a mosquito net in Islamabad listening to small-arms fire, reflecting on how incredibly persuasive that tour organizer was.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinmissingblakesbennybootdonniJeffLovenessCandiedVinegar
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    bennyboot
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    National Premature Ejaculation Day seems to come earlier and earlier every year.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinChance_VineyardTravisTurnerIITheGingerAgendaMarkusKublindonni
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Winning1Liners
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    Why commas are so important - "Yeah, so what's wrong with us forming a perfect circle, jerk?"

    • 5
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinTallDarkAndWTFtheJoeBizcorneezyAmberTozer
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Gastrofunkbecarefsheperf
  • shawncarlow
      Shawn Carlow @shawncarlow

    A British man is getting a new penis made from his forearm tissue. In other words, the gun show is moving south.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    missingblakesAlexRomeroINFObthedorfEliBradenusbtoothpick
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    usbtoothpick
@shawncarlow

@shawncarlow

Writer/Comedian, Lover. But mostly Writer/Comedian.