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Saw Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez at the local supermarket tonight. #StillShaking #MightBeTheDTs
When is Charles Manson gonna put out a Christmas album?
Joe Lieberman turns 69 today. Lieberman will celebrate at whichever party benefits him the most.
I'm never going to talk to a chair the same way again.
Madame Curie's radiation experiments caused long-term body damage, so there's a very good chance that she blinded someone with science.
Whorehouse, crack den, check. White supremacist camp, check. My 7-year-old niece is gonna be surprised when she gets her Flat Stanley back.
But more importantly, we're all one degree from actual bacon.
Probably a bad time to try to sell HBO my remake of They Shoot Horses, Don't They?
Will Smith is coordinating a new "Annie" film starring his daughter. Because if anyone understands the hard knock life, it's Willow Smith.
Not a bad speech, Michelle, for someone who doesn't even own a car elevator.
Lindsay Lohan is going to play Elizabeth Taylor in a new TV movie. I'm assuming from age 50 and up.
Let's face it, Bob Marley was more likely to have been charged with also shooting the deputy than Eric Clapton.
Turns out Cheney suggested to Bush in 2007 that we bomb Syria. Which means that we were this close to Bush bombing Syracuse.
When are the Black Eyed Peas going to start selling T-shirts to raise money for victims of the Black Eyed Peas?
"Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown." - diparagingly to my visiting friend, Jake, when he assumed we were in Little Tokyo.
Frank Buckles, the oldest US veteran of WWI, died at age 110. Of, ironically, trench foot.
Sleeping under a mosquito net in Islamabad listening to small-arms fire, reflecting on how incredibly persuasive that tour organizer was.
National Premature Ejaculation Day seems to come earlier and earlier every year.
Why commas are so important - "Yeah, so what's wrong with us forming a perfect circle, jerk?"
A British man is getting a new penis made from his forearm tissue. In other words, the gun show is moving south.