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My mother texted me 'What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?' I answered: 'I dont know, love u, talk to u later.' Mother: 'Ok, I'll ask your sister'
That awkward moment when a stranger tries to fix your tag that’s sticking up and you automatically turn around with kung-fu hands.
I wonder if the clothes in China say, 'Made around the corner.'
"10...9...8...7..." ~A pessimist counting his blessings
Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV; RTV and play nothing but music videos.
Laziness means you never finish anyth
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”. You?
WOW! I just rocked down to Electric avenue, and then I took it higher. I am now awaiting further instructions.
Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape on backwards.'
I'm hosting an OCD support group tonight. I don't actually have OCD, but I bet my apartment will be spotless before they all leave.
Old people at weddings always poke me and say "You're Next". Anyone ever thought of doing the same to them at funerals?
'Buy one dog, get one flea'. ~A sign in a Chinese pet store
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
My couch is blue. I had totally forgotten about that.
In other news, I folded some laundry today...
For #AprilFools, forget the pranks. Just call your Congressman or woman. Lately, they have been some of the biggest fools we know.
Proud hack (#news) turned flack (#PR). I social media; therefore, I am. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry because ...Ya' Mama jokes.