Forget my Miranda Rights, officer. Read me my SAMANTHA rights! (gets clubbed)

My girlfriend is covered in bruises because she doesn’t listen. I’m always like, “You’re about to walk into a lamp!”

Overheard: "I think that guy is listening to us."

My grandma would be thrilled if I settled down and got married. I mean, we've been dating for 8 years.

Upgraded my tickets to Coachella! Now I'm at Businessella.

People who retweet compliments probably wish they could retweet other people's retweets of their tweets.

Show me a guy who never fails and I'll show you a guy who never tries. Sure they're different guys, but I made my point: We both know a guy.

Native Americans use all 140 characters each time they tweet.

In Soviet Russia, U.O.I.

"Fuck you. That's my name." -Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross as the character "Fuck You"

My friend asked, "Are you good with words?" I said, "It's WELL with words... And no."

Kim Kardashian is my favorite celebrity impersonator.

I want a better life for my kids. That's why I'm not having kids.

This might be the lamp talking, but I'm on mushrooms!

I just bought a cock ring. Now I FINALLY have a place to hold all these cockfights!

OFFICE TIP: Tell your co-workers, "Don't talk to me until I've had my morning cup of coffee." Then, don't drink any coffee.

Eddie was famous once, but not Furlong.

My friend's trying to reach 7,000 followers by midnight! He currently has 9,000. It's going to take A LOT of racial slurs.

If we put up a stop sign whenever a kid is killed by a car, then my cousin would have one in his garage.

I liked Tim Burton when it wasn't cool to like him. Meaning now.