I'm glad cats don't know how big of a deal they are on the internet. They're already dicks, they don't need to know they're famous.

Egg nog is great because who hasn't been eating an omelette and thought, "I wish I could drink this."

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

I am sooo proud of my friend. According to Facebook, she ate dinner.

At this point, mailmen are basically professional litterers.

Babies named Greg are weird.

Teenagers who think everything sucks are kinda right.

The first horse to see a zebra must've been like, "fuuuuuck."

My favorite holiday tradition is probably flying to Paris and screaming, "Kevin!"

I wouldn't mind a law that forced adult twins to always be holding hands.

I have trust issues because I know some of you are still "it" from unfinished tag games.

"Oh, I already have that one," is a good thing to say when someone shows you a picture of their kid.

Probably 98% of human history would have never happened if showing off for girls wasn't a thing.

It's Cinco de Mayo. If you're not spending at least 10 hours today eating chips, you've totally missed the point.

If you ever find yourself in a PT Cruiser with fuzzy dice, you can stop right there because YOU ARE ALREADY AT THE PARTY.

"And make it obvious." -what I assume some ladies getting plastic surgery say

Balloons are stupid. "Happy birthday! Here's a buncha sacks of breath."

It is a scientific fact that if you stay in bed, nothing bad can ever happen.

Netflix has an amazing business model. People basically pay them to say, "Uch, there's nothing good on Netflix."

It's usually not your smartest friend who posts the inspirational quotes on Facebook.