I went to the doctor and he told me that I need to stop masturbating. I asked WHY, and he said because I'm trying to examine you.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it's from.

I miss having a boyfriend so much, that I sprinkle glitter on my cat and accuse him of fucking strippers.

I bought 2 packs of condoms and the cashier says, "Do you want a bag for that?" I said, "No, he's not THAT ugly."

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, does someone else make a sound?

You should live every day like Maury told you it's not your baby. ;)

I just stubbed my camel toe.

Never water yourself down for someone who can't take you at 100 proof.

I was afraid to use my vibrator when I was pregnant cuz I thought my kid would come out with a stutter.

I've always wanted to stuff those snakes that pop out of cans in my vagina. Just so I can make a guy jump when he takes off my panties.

Guy : You may be too kinky for me.
Me : I'm not kinky,you're just sheltered,now get back in that Snoopy costume and continue choking me!

I like to put bubble-wrap under my mattress so when I have sex, it sounds like fireworks are going off. Just makes for a more festive mood.

It's very important to have a safe word when you wanna stop having sex. My safe word is cumonmyface.

1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat.

ORGASM because it's easier to spell than (OhMyGodYesOhShitDeeperYesFuckMe!)

Terrorists are now planting bombs in cans of Alphabet Soup. If one of them explodes it could spell disaster!

Saints joke:
Knock knock
Who dat?
Owen!
Owen who?
Owen four!

I hate it when my Dad calls while I have balls in my mouth. I'm like "Herroo? Daa.. Cand tak ow, no Daa, caw u baw laer."