"Toddlers & Tiaras" was only named that because "Strippers in Training" and "My Mother has Self-Esteem Issues" weren't catchy enough titles

If twitter wasn't around I'd have to say all this shit to my husband.

He says thanks by the way.

Going to do 5 minutes of light stretching to try and justify am entire day wearing yoga pants.

Really gives me a lot of faith in humanity when I see someone with a half naked avi, 1000's of followers, and tweets about being @ the mall.

Fold 3 shirts
Check Twitter
Fold a few pairs of pants
Drink coffee
Check Twitter

That's how productive I'm being today.

If I am still up drinking when people are up jogging that's a pretty good sign I shouldn't have kids yet right?

My spirit animal is the grey goose. My native name is 'dances with vodka'

Fortune cookies are like old school Chinese twitter, right?

What will happen to my tattoos when I got older?

They will hide the unsightly liver spots. That's what.

I spell priorities V-O-D-K-A.

I feel at my white trashiest when wearing a terry cloth dress from walmart and driving around listening to Ted Nugent.

I'm going to wake up to empty beer bottles everywhere, and a lot of tweets I regret in the morning.

Painting my bedroom while wearing 6 inch heels to me seems more efficient then trying to find the damn step ladder.

Tweet and Retweet were in a boat. Tweet fell out. Who was left. RETWEET!
I don't care if I only made myself laugh with that one.

#McTotd the cluck and duck- leaving the roost before she wakes up in the morning.

#McTotd the Turfuckin'

At this point in my life the only thing I am looking forward to is a mcmuffin

They will probably have a Dick Clark hologram going for New Years eve.
So nobody panic, okay?

I don't Say 'fuck' in my tweets nearly as much as I want to. Mainly because my mom follows me. HI MOM! #shittytweetclub confessions.

Nothing says 'I care' more than the courtesy spit.