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Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is bullshit!
When your limbs fall asleep that's death seeing how far he can get without you noticing.
"You give me one leather jacket, I invest it, then give you back TWO leather jackets!" - Fonzi Scheme
I set women's rights back 50 years every time I see a spider.
"Well you'll always be MY prince." - So many ladies everywhere to their cats tomorrow probably.
I once put chocolate chips into a Hot Pocket so I can tell you a thing or two about dying alone.
If you have no regrets you're either a liar or an asshole.
Hive fives are like tiny celebrations of having hands.
"There are no stupid questions." - someone who's never watched a movie with my mom
"All dressed up and nowhere to go." - penguins
Internet, you've made a compelling argument. Sleep: present your case.
Pets are like a snooze button for your ovaries.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result but I still get up every morning.
"So I was on a spaceship, and you were there, but it was not you, you know? Anyways..." - MLK's less important dream
"Make it two if you count my great personality - three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it's a table for one."
Everyone wants to have sex, sluts are just successful. That's why we hate them. Stupid sluts.
Bitches ain't shit but human beings with feelings and hopes and dreams.
Those first few seconds where it could be Bowie or Vanilla Ice is my 'Nam.
I'm Morrissey depressed not Van Gogh depressed.
Just once I want to see "Soooo many animals harmed in the making of this movie. Like, SO many. An insane amount. Too many, probably."
I'm not too crazy about me either. i do&write comedy.