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"Tell my wife I love her very much -" "She knows." "Ok well I'm about to die alone in space so maybe just tell her again? Fuckin be cool?"
When your limbs fall asleep that's death seeing how far he can get without you noticing.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is bullshit!
Relationships are an expensive way to watch someone slowly like you less and less.
"You give me one leather jacket, I invest it, then give you back TWO leather jackets!" - Fonzi Scheme
If I died first I'd want my husband to remarry. Real quickly, so people are like "That's sort of fucked up?" and it ruins his new marriage.
Jay Z laughs like a baby feeling velvet for the first time.
Some day he'll find his Girl Fieri.
I set women's rights back 50 years every time I see a spider.
Now I gotta lie about my shitty kid in front of this strange teenager if I want some fucking french fries?
If you have no regrets you're either a liar or an asshole.
I once put chocolate chips into a Hot Pocket so I can tell you a thing or two about dying alone.
"Well you'll always be MY prince." - So many ladies everywhere to their cats tomorrow probably.
No, no, I love Cadbury Creme Eggs!! Hell, all I ever think while eating chocolate is "could this somehow cum in my mouth?"
No, please, old men. Tell me more about my uterus.
"There are no stupid questions." - someone who's never watched a movie with my mom
Hive fives are like tiny celebrations of having hands.
I'm not too crazy about me either. I write for TV Shows and The Internet http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0wvbkCAaA1rpo4ero1_500.jpg
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