@shelbyfero @sinalovebieber @justinbieber shhhhh you deserve this Shelby

Just had all the negative energy cleared from my uterus and I'm ready for the long weekend!!!!!

Another day, another dollar, another plot to frame Joey Fatone for shoplifting

phew. just served 4 years in afghanistan and not a single person saw my dick while I was over there. not one. hope they got a medal for that

If I don't hear both versions of Good Vibrations at parties this weekend I'm going to be disappointed

Slightly rude of the man working the front desk at my gym to turn and scream, "SHE'S ALIVE!!!" when I came in.

The best party I ever attended was man's discovery of fire.

Hey girls without cellulite, stop vacationing next to me.

Just splashed on some axe body spray, gonna pop into a Guy Fieri endorsed restaurant and check out The Hangover 3. #cool

I can't believe I'm this excited for a Liberace movie.

Hey lady at Nike Town, don't be sooo excited to tell me that the AJ 1 OG black toes were only available online.

Apparently explaining the back story on my athletes foot wasn't the 'opening up' my girlfriend was looking for.

Here are a list of things that Justify My Thug.

1. No Sandals, EVER
2. Candy whenever possible.
3. Gun Talk
4. Kids (somewhere)

My son gets CRAZY excited when my wife paints her toenails. We may have a little choreographer on our hands.

I feel bad for Jaden Smith. He'll never not get what he wants.

IF YOUR GIRL WENT AWAY FOR MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND WITH HER HOMEGIRLS & LEFT YOU, YOU KNOW HER RESPECT SWITCH IS IN THE "OFF" POSITION B...

Let's have gender

dont usually endorse products, but im using an app for my smartphone called @buycottapp to buy food at grocer that wont create mutants

"I can feel this body dying."

"So, coffee and a water, then?"

Shout out to iPhone knowing the word "futz"