I detest being marginalized. I prefer to be lightly buttered.

A blind gymnast walks into a bar...

PLEASE don't be brutally frank with me... It's better for me when you're savagely jonathan.

"It's what's on the INSIDE that counts." -inarticulate mechanical engineer, explaining how a calculator works

Smoking and drinking immoderately can take years off one's life. Thank god it's off the BACK end.

Twitter is a riddle inside an enigma wrapped in a colossal timesuck.

After giving it lots of thought & careful consideration, I've decided that my 2012 New Year's resolution is 640 x 480.

TO-DO LIIST:
1. Pay bills
2. Feed cat
3. Tend to azaleas
4. Smoke meth
5. Do dishes
8. Do dishes
2. Uh-oh
R. Buy more dishes
7. Eat cat
6. Q

On occasion, I can't help but wonder if we'd like each other this much if we were given another 40 characters to work with...

I drive a Hummer with a license-plate frame that says "I don't do oral"... I'm ironic like that.

The first rule of Nihilist Club isn't.

Hold the fuck up: I did NOT just watch a Viagra commercial showing an old-ish cowboy with a knowing grin loading a horse into a trailer... ?

"Wisteria" doesn't SOUND like flowers. "Wisteria" sounds like a purulent infection you get after hooking up with an ex you still yearn for.

I'd gladly help someone find their way out of this BDSM dungeon, but I'm afraid my hands are tied...

Chivalry is NOT entirely dead; it's napping on my couch with an empty Natty Light in his hand, snoring like a motherfucker.

Lord, how I hate being rebuffed. I loooove the initial buffing, typically. Rebuff me, though? Fuck off.

"My name is Michelle. I'm a schadenfreude addict. Where's my fucking donut?" -me, at a Schadenfreude Anonymous meeting

Gimme enough trope and I'll always figuratively hang myself.

I'm extremely grateful that spiders don't scream back.

Does this stress make my ass look fat?