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My 5 yr old just snuck out of bed to give me a hug and kiss! Then, he burped right in my face. That's my boy.
7 yrs college+$30K student loans later, I'm a Graphic Artist showing overpaid co-workers how to delete rogue pages in Microsoft Word. Go me.
And todays cool new trick is gargling with yogurt. Lovely. Watching a 2 yr old eat is the best diet ever.
Just drove through a Volkswagen dealership so I could punch buggy the shit out of my passengers.
HAHAHahahahHAHA! Some crazy chick just around the room shrieking in terror because a baby lizard tried to crawl on my - her hand.
I should just rename my Favstar List to "Shortcut to NSFW."
Dear Guy Driving Convertible While Picking Your Nose, I saw you. And so did the other 30 cars at the intersection.
Forget Terrible Two's. The real action starts at 5. My kid is crying because he can't decide which Hot Wheels car to play with. Seriously?
Please do not send anymore work today, my keyboard is broken. And by broken, I mean it's busy being used as a pillow.
Don't take it personal if I haven't followed u back. Cut me some slack, been busy making life altering decisions. Also, I'm a natural blonde
It's mornings like this that I'm grateful I don't have to hold a razor to my face. How do you men do it?
Overheard: in an ironic twist, the Nether Regions have waxed the Brazillians.
Doing the best I can with the brains I have left...
after last night. *blush*
Gas station attendant just asked me how to get rid of a hickey! Something tells me it's gonna be a good day.
Inside voices please.
INSIDE VOICES PLEASE!!!!!!!!!
What's that delay called after a dog fart is reported from across the room, and the minute you regret not springing off the couch?
5 mos, 966 tweets later I have 257 followers. Some chick following me has 0 tweets, no boob avi, & 140 followers? I want what SHE'S having
How fucking sad is it that my internet goes out more than I do?
Dear Kid who's screaming, hitting ur mom & standing on ur chair at dinner, tnx for making my kids look like perfect angels #floriduh
I think the dog secretly just wants to star in an episode of "My Dog Ate What?"
Oh you know, the usual...identical twin, dyslexic graphic artist...madly in love with one of my tweeps.