Faking orgasms takes the fun out of showing a guy how really terribly he did.

I hate those fuckin people that are always doin stuff, and goin places, and talkin to someone, and becoming things. Fuck those people.

You're welcome, guy walking behind me up the stairs. You're welcome.

Hey, remember when I asked for your advice?

Me neither. Shut your ass.

My best pick up line is the one where I have a vagina and don't have to use any.

I curtsy after blow jobs cuz I'm a lady.

If you can't make me laugh, you can't make me love you.

I envy guys for gettin to say "SUCK MY DICK" as sort of a "fuck you." If I shouted "LICK MY VAGINA" I'd have like 47 tongues in my pants.

The reason I cuss so much is because fuck you, mother fucker.

Bad things happen to good people. Bad people happen to good people. Then I happen to bad people. Then dead people happen.

I'm so glad I'm the girl walking by and not the girl staring at her husband staring at the girl walking by.

Your Twitter crush thinks you're annoying.

Just kidding. They don't think about you at all.

Being a mother means knowing what it's like to have your heart go walking around outside of your body.

I just saw Snooki! Wait...nevermind. It was just a trash can.

You're right. I'm an asshole. But only to other assholes. Guess that makes you an asshole. Asshole.

I HAD SEX LAST NIGHT!!!!

But it was with a girl so it only halfway counts.

Ok, I was the girl so just fuck off.

My kid just told me that I'm not beautiful, I'm perfect, and I'm way hotter than Britney Spears. Anyway, on my way to Toys R Us.

Decided to do some ecstasy so the color of my eyes are pupil.

If you would stop seeking out my imperfections, you might fall in love with what's underneath them.

God, you are fucking rude and repulsive. I'll DM you my number.