Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first hipster did it before it was cool. The second hipster did it ironically.

The thing about smart people is that they seem like crazy people to dumb people.

Real men dont wear pink, they eat it.

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

Be careful who you call your friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.

Some people should use glue stick for lip balm

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven because have sex with me.

Whoever said you had to be a size two to be beautiful obviously never knew how great it feels to grab a handful of tits for ass.

I dont get it, why spit ? Its already in your mouth ?

Home isn't where you live, its where they understand you.

Never trust a man who can't grow a beard.

Did I say 'cuddle' ? I meant 'Come fuck me till I can't walk'

It's amazing how much damage can be done when you have nothing but good intentions.

God, beards are so fucking sexy.

It's my disease to always pick the people who never quite approve of me.

The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.

Why are you wearing pants ? Pants are for quitters.

I just want to rub my vagina on your beard, deal with it.

I don't give a fuck who you are or what your reason was, you do not hit a woman.

I just spilled beer all over my vagina, now its extra tasty.