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Steve on Kanye West: "People talk shit but he was fucking right both times. Bush didn't care about black people and Beyonce should have won"
Steve took a Label Maker from his office. I told him it was too early to steal supplies so he made a "pussy" label and stuck it on my back
Steve to a girl in a Pink Bikini: “Your nipple is showing”. Girl inthe Pink Bikini: “Thanks”. Steve: "I'm Steve by the way"
Last night a Girl gave Steve her number, but also mentioned her "Church Group" Steve: "Church Group is a euphemism for 'only hand jobs'"
Asked Steve what he's up to for 420. Steve: "Think I'm gonna skip it this year" Me:"Really?" Steve: "No, fuckhead. I've been high for 3 hrs"
Steve used LabelMaker to write "Masturbation Station" on livingroom chair. Me: "That's not true right?" Steve: "Do you really want to know?"
Overheard at the bar tonight...Random Girl to Steve: "If you call me
'Weak Sauce' again, I'm going to pour this beer down your pants"
Steve asked me to proof read his most recent paper. It started with the sentence, "Since the beginning of time, man has fought wars."
Steve holding champagne: "Who thinks I can drink this whole bottle?" People shrug. Steve: "I'm not doing it unless someone tells me I can't"
Four minutes into Cougar Town Steve randomly turned to me and announced that he switched up his masturbation routine from nights to mornings
Went shopping with Steve today and he told me his new clothes philosophy: "Dress for success on weekdays, and for sex on weekends"
Steve's buddy from work called and told him if he's gonna call in sick "bad sushi" is the way to go. "Bad wings" makes you seem "budget"
Steve brought a Fish Rub he said will "melt your dick off" I asked why my dick would melt off. Steve: "Okay snarky guy, it was an allegory"
Steve looking at Olivia Munn in Maxim: "I feel like there's a conspiracy trying to get me to think she's hot. I'm not buying in"
Steve: "Want to hear something cool?" Me: "Yes." Steve: "I had the hiccups yesterday, so I jacked off and they went away."
Steve's job starts Monday. Steve: "I got six days to go fucking crazy"
He spent the day eating pickles, watching 3 different "Judge" shows
Steve: “Remember in elementary school when everybody knew the words to 'semi-charmed life'. I had no idea that shit was about crystal meth”
Steve on the Tiger Woods press conference: "I think he should say 'so i fucked a ton of chicks. You're all just jealous'"
Steves Mom’s boyfriend got Steve a $50 itunes gift card for Xmas.
Steve: "Hey I’m banging your mom but enjoy the new Kings of Leon
This is a twitter page where I secretly tweet about what my roommate Steve is doing at all times.