I've got some bad news. Not having money also cannot buy happiness.

If I knew that we were just friends I wouldn't have spent so much time on relationship things like weeping nonstop and dying on the inside

To me, every room is a panic room

I always carry a knife with me when I go into the wilderness in case I get lost and I need to kill myself.

Bucket List: 1. Stop being ugly 2. Don't die.

I've never watched a movie and thought "that was really good but it had too much Bill Murray in it."

Someone just told me "go big or go home." I probably gonna head home

We don't care who the DJ is. Ever. Stop telling us, rap songs.

Don't make eye contact with me if you're not prepared to love me.

Prostitutes must have A LOT of gross income.

"Are women just jealous cause they don't have a penis to think with?" - topics for the annual misogynists meeting.

When I have nothing funny to tweet I just wish you were all dead.

I wish I was at the beach. I miss peeing my pants while standing next to beautiful women.

Even in my fantasies I end up settling for a handjob :(

I hate when I'm feeling good about the sweet new shirt I bought and then I remember that life is meaningless.

Might go camping this weekend, just to make damn sure that I am miserable.

That's a weird name but its nice to meet you My Boyfriend's Over There.

Uh, ok. I didn't ask if you had a boyfriend, I asked if you wanted to make out in the coat room.

Monsters do exist. They come in the form of elderly people with questions about technology

Sending out a tweet that ends up receiving zero stars is my own personal hell.