My retirement plan is more of a 401LOLJk.

"I had a dream within a dream within a dream." Martinception Luther King, Jr.

My goal is just to find someone I can comfortably hate everything with for the rest of my life.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too."

- People who don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake

One more 50 Shades of Grey reference from my Mom and I'll be at my goal weight.

My vagina is like an onion - delicious, but nobody wants to eat it in case they have to kiss their girlfriend later : (

I just brewed coffee so bold that it told me to go fuck myself.

Finally, some justice for the 1985 attempted murder of Doc Brown by the Libyans in that mall parking lot.

I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't care that Michael Jackson died.

I very rarely cry in my beer. Just once, in a Blue Moon.

ADHD is just ADD in High Definition.

Eli Manning always looks like he's trying to guess the answer on a flash card.

You can't spell 'listen' without 'silent,' so shut the fuck up.

Is a vagina like a piercing? Will it close up if I don't put something in there soon?

Now that I've told my Dad what Twitter is, he ends every clever sentence he utters with, "Ha! tweet THAT one."

is that a pocket in your pocket or are you just wearing cargo shorts

Hibers gonna nate.

Bitchy stares from other women are the only mirrors I need.

I must be stuck on the port side because I can't seem to make it to the star board.

Girls Gone Wild files for bankruptcy. Finally, Joe Francis loses HIS shirt.