"I had a dream within a dream within a dream." Martinception Luther King, Jr.

My retirement plan is more of a 401LOLJk.

My goal is just to find someone I can comfortably hate everything with for the rest of my life.

Finally, some justice for the 1985 attempted murder of Doc Brown by the Libyans in that mall parking lot.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too."

- People who don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake

I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't care that Michael Jackson died.

ADHD is just ADD in High Definition.

You can't spell 'listen' without 'silent,' so shut the fuck up.

Eli Manning always looks like he's trying to guess the answer on a flash card.

Is a vagina like a piercing? Will it close up if I don't put something in there soon?

I just brewed coffee so bold that it told me to go fuck myself.

I must be stuck on the port side because I can't seem to make it to the star board.

My Mom is a great travel agent if you're looking to take a Guilt Trip down Memory Lane.

Now that I've told my Dad what Twitter is, he ends every clever sentence he utters with, "Ha! tweet THAT one."

"I'll follow you on Tumblr, but not Twitter" is the new, "We can fuck on the sly, but I won't hold your hand walking through the mall."

Bitchy stares from other women are the only mirrors I need.

Hibers gonna nate.

I very rarely cry in my beer. Just once, in a Blue Moon.

My vagina is like an onion - delicious, but nobody wants to eat it in case they have to kiss their girlfriend later : (

With how often the average Twitter user masturbates, I find it hard to believe that anything isn't sticking.