Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
"I had a dream within a dream within a dream." Martinception Luther King, Jr.
My retirement plan is more of a 401LOLJk.
is that a pocket in your pocket or are you just wearing cargo shorts
My goal is just to find someone I can comfortably hate everything with for the rest of my life.
Now that gay marriage is legal in New Jersey, my mother can complain that I can't find a nice Jewish woman to marry either
"You can't have your cake and eat it too."
- People who don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake
My vagina is like an onion - delicious, but nobody wants to eat it in case they have to kiss their girlfriend later : (
A tampon commercial for women who don't do sports
One more 50 Shades of Grey reference from my Mom and I'll be at my goal weight.
I just brewed coffee so bold that it told me to go fuck myself.
Eli Manning always looks like he's trying to guess the answer on a flash card.
I very rarely cry in my beer. Just once, in a Blue Moon.
I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't care that Michael Jackson died.
Finally, some justice for the 1985 attempted murder of Doc Brown by the Libyans in that mall parking lot.
ADHD is just ADD in High Definition.
You can't spell 'listen' without 'silent,' so shut the fuck up.
Is a vagina like a piercing? Will it close up if I don't put something in there soon?
Now that I've told my Dad what Twitter is, he ends every clever sentence he utters with, "Ha! tweet THAT one."
Hibers gonna nate.
Improviser. WitStream. Podcaster for @LandLMovieShow. 5'1. Pittsburgh sports fan. Opprobrious.