These jeans go on when I close my eyes / Every second of the night, I am a smaller size

Is it just me or does the endless heart collection look like a beautiful ball sack and and an upside down beautiful ball sack

Eating Twizzlers. Wait nope just some old candlesticks.

The Canadian military played first base on my slow pitch team last summer. Nice guy.

My productivity can be measured by the number of empty Keurig cups in the trash.

a book (you just read a book)

When I run a red light at an intersection with a camera, I feel like I'm dodging the laser sphinxes in the 'Neverending Story.'

I'd take a dry fingerbang from Jerry Lewis over listening to a Phil Collins song. Except Against All Odds which we all know is angel music.

Jerking off with the other hand makes it feel like someone else is doing it, but that someone else is horrible at giving hand jobs.

"We Found Gloves at a Vintage Place" is the hipster's equivalent of that Rihanna song.

If you sigh in a coffee shop, everyone in there will write a missed connection about you.

How come we drive on the parkway but we park in the deepest recesses of our hearts a true desire to hurt each other and ourselves?

My stick figure family is just a burrito, a television, and a bottle of whiskey. Do they make those stickers?

McDonald's oatmeal. It's like clown throw-up, only warmer.

I drink baby shampoo so my semen won't sting your eyes.

Just changed my ringtone to Cameron Diaz in Vanilla Sky shouting, "I swallowed your cum! That MEANS something!" so please call me in public.

The impossibilities are just as endless.

"I can’t believe it’s not clutter." - Hoarders

Don't get into a relationship unless you can handle hearing "Pad Thai? We had that yesterday." every night.

Anne Geddes photos of babies: have we finally awakened from that horrible fever dream?