Wondering if, "You had me at breathing" sounds too desperate?

Another dream has been dashed. I will never realize my full potential as a dominatrix due to a severe latex allergy...

At Target with 12. The alarm went off as we walked in-Can I see your receipt? I don't carrry his birth certificate around. <blank stare>

I hope that if I ever get reincarnated, it's as someone who can pull off skinny jeans...

I pride myself on being the kind of girl you can't take home to Mother...

Cumming on Eileen isn't very easy for those of us without a penis...

Tip: How to turn Hump Day into Happy Day?
Bend over and lube up!

I'm tired of meeting guys that only want to throw their shit in my ditch...

#NeverTrust someone who doesn't like Star Wars...

This "ironing of my birthday suit" ritual I have every birthday eve is suspiciously taking longer and longer. <I *hate* getting older>

There has never been a situation that pausing, and taking the time to do the Humpty Dance couldn't make a little easier...

I was just voted "pharmacy on heels" by a jury of my peers.


SCORE!

My sunburned nose proves, contrary to the thoughts of many, that being Caucasian has its drawbacks...

Wishing the word probe could be worked into a conversation easier...

Without sounding creepy...

"When I think about you I touch myself"...

Me, to all of my favorite naughty tweeters! Thanks for the smile before bed

Wondering if tonight will hold a shirt-off-flirt-off or a pants-off-dance-off...

Either way, I win!

Was just educated on the realities of a "spank bank". Women can not relate men, we use that shit wisely----like same day service...

I'm thinking the term "no-shave-November" conjers up all kinds of scary thoughts when applied to a female. . .

Queaf

#SarahPalinBabyNames

Kansas City Royals are giving away Snuggies to the first 20K fan for Sat. game. <poor excuse for baseball-poorer excuse for a blanket>