@shitmydadsays

Justin

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Author of Shit My Dad Says and, coming May 15th, my new book I Suck At Girls. My dad's in it, don't worry. This account is where I publish the shit that he says

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@shitmydadsays’ (Justin) best tweets
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"Bullshit. Don't pretend you don't care about your birthday. It's like watching a hooker pretend she's out for a walk when cops drive by."

@shitmydadsays

"These candidates are dog shit. All we're doing is picking out the dick that's going to fuck us."

@shitmydadsays

"There won't be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain't a species made to last."

@shitmydadsays

"Valentine's day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it's over."

@shitmydadsays

"He's nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just 'cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn't mean it's not still a piece of shit."

@shitmydadsays

"You can't come...Because it's not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."

@shitmydadsays

"Bullshit. War ain't over till people stop shooting. You can't say you're done taking a crap if shit's still coming out of your ass."

@shitmydadsays

"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."

@shitmydadsays

"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."

@shitmydadsays

"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."

@shitmydadsays

"I'm in Cincinnati at a waffle house that's across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes."

@shitmydadsays

"He's a politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're fucking them."

@shitmydadsays

"No. Aliens exist, I just don't think they came millions of light years
just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby's"

@shitmydadsays

"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."

@shitmydadsays

"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

@shitmydadsays

"So he likes drugs and hookers. That's the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that's all he's got on his fucking sandwich."

@shitmydadsays

"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

@shitmydadsays

"WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you're in now? Ever seen yourself walk up stairs? It's like a T-rex that shit himself."

@shitmydadsays

“You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."

@shitmydadsays

"Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don't argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn't bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit."

@shitmydadsays

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@shitmydadsays’ (Justin) best tweetsMost Favorited Tweets Most Retweeted Tweets

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