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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Omg, I'm a huge fan!

    -Windmills

    • 3,846
    • FAVS
    IslamShaaban__KizisbombCheekbonzDirtyBertie3Cluaran_FraochnsbrwtttSqueeb_SlayerAIMMadellynne
    • 2,668
    • RETWEETS
    IslamShaaban__CheekbonzMissJackson223Cluaran_FraochnsbrwtttArreguy23dick_ishAndrea__B__
    ArroiaspekulationSamzen_ArrowsOfTheSunfilmbizproMr_goose007MrAdamBezAredubbleyou______SlipNutsTMshegotagronktylerisajoke1dave0749__________agent_0rang3I_Mee_Myself_BrianSaetreToneLoOnTheGooakhillbargrillSweetTweetsBROKindOfASmartass__bdbdleeroybrownwortmusikdetroit_et
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Mom: You’re never moving out, are you?

    Me: *peaks out of pillow fort* probably not.

    Mom: Is my vodka in that fort?

    Me: NO GIRLS ALLOWED!

    • 3,310
    • FAVS
    Compocolypsenyax6brittneefosterChloestylonose_flautistnolan_strattonShaistaJustinalain_hardy
    • 2,011
    • RETWEETS
    nose_flautistCagetheMickSlickeredlionssheartRyansGoochJojo_51213leahlovescheezI_AmT_Rex
    DJLIWIKZyasserseifpartiallyproJ_Dazzle76MrsJekyllsHydestumblesdrunkenNinjaFuneralouter_joshpeachey_keenGrashof_RockerBakeEmAwayToyzBlondiethegoodAristotlesNZ______cdncyn____________SimplyNamedTronSilleVioLancelotMusicaugustusglooopp__Cay_JENTheCamelToe_TheGrimKing
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    1. Put your penis in.

    2. Take your penis out.

    3. Put your penis in.

    4. Shake it all about.

    5. Put coworkers sandwich back in the fridge.

    • 2,187
    • FAVS
    nyax6Chloestylonose_flautistBorderlineawsm_justice1Jojo_51213OrthietweetsHumanGlowStyk
    • 1,457
    • RETWEETS
    Jojo_51213HollyDaBoutiqueBruSymINDSTRCTBL_Samleahlovescheeztrillborginsert_a_nam3____Ismaeelo_Dash
    ed_spaceAllanCresswellKrissiBexthongbeardfilmbizproWtftabHam_Tornadosnapperdoo________BrookeBabbling____UncleDuke1969Genevieve0404
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'm a narsciic- narcssiss- narcasassi- narcysis-narcis-

    I'm better than you.

    • 2,169
    • FAVS
    IslamShaaban__CompocolypseCourtneyStults1salinavante_definitlymaybephotoguru_joBorderlineawsmJojo_51213
    • 1,361
    • RETWEETS
    IslamShaaban__Jbird1579CourtneyStults1_definitlymaybephotoguru_joBorderlineawsmJojo_51213I_AmT_Rex
    littlekitnerboyCarolineCaseyCarboslyHrBryshwebby2__________cupcakelyndaWS_Panic__________MessJenkinsthatstingsgoodballsSimplyNamedTronJimmywibbles______10InchesPluschagger73Whateverfitsme____iBlaynepreawsaurusSilleVioDanKCharnley
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: Whatcha making?

    Mom: Dill bread.

    Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?

    Mom: Get out.

    • 2,125
    • FAVS
    Compocolypserkg2787Jojo_512131800RandyDiamondGirl127____WuDaFucAllieA420turnips
    • 1,203
    • RETWEETS
    WuDaFucUh_OooooofatpunkaDigHerUpJc1JohnnyRiotGRRLBarbieLxoosTheyCalledMeJam
    hipchkkMummsThaWord______BrendanMcKeiganNorthside_Mikeskin_and_i________YourDeadbeatDadmrt1mGuyThe_Guyclo_dee__________MeatShowAgain____
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Kids are SO gullible.


    And flammable, HOLY SHIT!

    • 2,040
    • FAVS
    ZeRoyalHatericsshadowRocktopolisRichardGittensbluebayoubyyoumynameshankJojo_51213DiamondGirl127____
    • 1,041
    • RETWEETS
    HaichizardRichardGittensItsEvieXomynameshankdirtyCDNbitchfatpunkaPsychicStonerpsyzod
    ajvaageDanielRCarrilloSufficientCharmMrsMikePattonGhetto_Trophypeachey_keenJimmySelfDestfluffysusebazlyonslovablelucasJhonRulesocourtneynoGirlwithAIDSBuckyIsotopedixie_lee_peasScotticlesAspersioncast
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    You're unfollowing me because I don't proof read my tweets?

    Go ahead, see if I take a shit.

    • 2,050
    • FAVS
    Compocolypsenyax6Jojo_51213DiamondGirl127____WuDaFucfatpunkahamizah_18DigHerUp
    • 971
    • RETWEETS
    WuDaFucfatpunkagiselleecocohamizah_18mursyid_96samanthabenne20psyzodJakeTurnerisRad
    djr_102bazlyonsMidgetsparVerifiedJayy______MyFairCharityJaySusHChristDeanB15johngayseeKingPatrick24nPhelendriqal
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Operator: 911, what's your emergency.

    Me: I'm 33 and I tried to do a cartwheel.

    • 1,851
    • FAVS
    Cluaran_FraochnsbrwtttAIMMadellynneLilbyrdymynameshanknyax6Jojo_512131800Randy
    • 1,054
    • RETWEETS
    MissJackson223nsbrwtttdick_ishdammitamyMarkLandMarksfunk62outTjKillswitch333fatpunka
    belleahhimence2VFlorrrDBMaxPOne_FineMessisaaaaiheartgunts
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    1. Write hilarious tweet.

    2. Laugh uncontrollably.

    3. Send tweet.

    4. Three stars.

    5. Die alone.

    • 1,819
    • FAVS
    IslamShaaban__aligoopsquirrel74wkgnSmug_LemurTheRealRHBBrirachaSmooheedBigJonBul
    • 893
    • RETWEETS
    IslamShaaban__fannetic5NabeelaHansrodSiemeowwSmooheedBigJonBulviciousbabydoll21inchride
    CarboslyJorDAMN_Stevie_Talksquashguy15yellow__robotlittlekitnerboyedheenan__________The_MentalystsumpeoplelikeitLitra_In_Denial__abbeyaarCpin42jake_likes_napsShock_MonsterUrFavAsianGuymahatmatweeter_RichardParry_Maturity69BobCthulhuDanDoofus
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Why are all the good tweets either already taken or gay?

    • 1,818
    • FAVS
    mynameshanknyax6Jojo_512131800RandyWuDaFucrobgar21carrietinifatpunka
    • 858
    • RETWEETS
    IslamShaaban__robgar21fatpunkamursyid_96robertology_93SureshMKothariurbandogge5_Cs_
    fullblowndaveBrookeBabbling____Cpez38Lisabug74DanKCharnley
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

    • 1,236
    • FAVS
    IslamShaaban__nyax6kaytaaDiamondGirl127____ToxicWorrierWuDaFucAllieArobgar21
    • 1,161
    • RETWEETS
    IslamShaaban__MikeyLowgunToxicWorrierAshadAndrewsdavecfieldsjamiewildcatsliliths_lairEvilSmurf_Nope
    MagillicuttyMac10InchesPlus
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: *holds foot over pavement*

    Mom: Please, NO!

    Cop: Don’t do it, kid.

    Me: SHE PROMISED ME ICE CREAM! *steps on crack*

    Cop: *opens fire*

    • 1,458
    • FAVS
    nyax6kaytaa1800RandyDiamondGirl127____ToxicWorrierAllieArobgar21Megasack
    • 912
    • RETWEETS
    ToxicWorrierSheamusogradyfatpunkaFootieFucktardfazdogfotogEvilSmurf_NopeiRvInTaN96TheyCalledMeJam
    JosesLovesYouXGroverXWeissBrandon______10InchesPlusYesImMattkyle_thatisallPetPinkElephantkidphonicOBiiieeeeStu_MonsterINeed_AnAdultFrozen_Brogurt
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Alcoholics: It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!

    Potheads: It’s 4:20 somewhere!

    Crackheads: I’ll suck your dick for $3!

    • 1,382
    • FAVS
    ForeverHairyLittleeLauraaa1800RandyWuDaFucrobgar21420turnipsAnnoyedGruntxliliths_lair
    • 897
    • RETWEETS
    AbrahamDoodlexytariumDaPHATKHATErmaghrrdSpankMeIm0tydatniggadamienCathy_Bennett65Eyee_Candyyy
    krazy313hunter
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Post a tweet that took you 40 minutes to write: 4 stars.

    Cat runs across the keyboard: 29 RTs, 416 stars, 3DMs.

    Sometimes I hate you all.

    • 1,601
    • FAVS
    Genny_jelloDiamondGirl127____ToxicWorrierWuDaFucAllieAsrsoenartoTiggyBottomKoKeniSasquatch
    • 659
    • RETWEETS
    DiamondGirl127____dmorgan65ToxicWorriersrsoenartoTiggyBottommaymay72xKoKeniSasquatchanarchicwolf
    realjohnpaulkelkuluslittlekitnerboy0lipops__________gingerfacedchagger73bitchpersonifydbillymeetsworldkirbys4losers____
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The Five Stages of Twitter.

    1. Follow celebrities.

    2. Using hashtags.

    3. Follow real people.

    4. Find Favstar.

    5. Starvation & death.

    • 1,433
    • FAVS
    DiamondGirl127____WuDaFucAllieArobgar21psyzodWine_Plzmiss_foofoodick_ish
    • 806
    • RETWEETS
    DiamondGirl127____WuDaFucmiss_foofoodavid_tullThingsGoinOnviolet_heartinleashalettepartlyfunny
    alldrolledupk8ieokayPhoenixRises69fluffysusepeetiesays________GirltoMom
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Mom: Who are these people!

    Me: It’s a tweet-up!

    Mom: What?

    Me: These are my friends.

    Mom: That guy’s peeing on the cat!

    Me: He’s elite!

    • 1,485
    • FAVS
    1800RandyDiamondGirl127____ToxicWorrierWuDaFuccarrietinimursyid_96CassiaLTRBLmakerJBS______
    • 684
    • RETWEETS
    dmorgan65ToxicWorrierLUKEitsHEMMINGSMcOnionButtTheyCalledMeJamIcyInsomniapsyzoddmutati
    WtftabSufficientCharmNervousJrfluffysusetehBoodha________RickyScampDivineLately______CrMul____________
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Mom: Rent’s due.

    Me: *puts on invisibility cloak*

    Mom: That’s a Hanna Montana sheet, fucker.

    Me: *waves wand* rentus oblivious!

    Mom: Ugh

    • 1,352
    • FAVS
    LittleeLauraaaMacice25xytariumkaytaaDiamondGirl127____AllieA12XXIIMadMoneyMirna
    • 599
    • RETWEETS
    FrTravestyxytariumkaytaagiselleecocodatniggadamienRiaTaciMakeupGirlMcOnionButt
    tehBoodha________Fuckinmoronsjohngayseebkdcasey
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Alcoholism doesn’t run in my family. 

    It stumbles around. 

    • 1,232
    • FAVS
    LilyValourDiamondGirl127____AllieA420turnips0rbionmentefluida__Cathy_Bennett65DigHerUp
    • 657
    • RETWEETS
    LilyValourCathy_Bennett65JasonHills01thepopealmightypsyzodjenniferland_Wine_PlzPJisBeast
    QuickBJ__________SasssPantsICagbanusiMothpete
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Dear straight men,

    Just because we look at you doesn't mean we want to sleep with you.

    Sincerely,

    The gays.

    PS: Your jeans are hideous.

    • 1,131
    • FAVS
    IzzySSWljcreraramullins516thrashertxtrevorbialek9childfreedivamynameshank1800Randy
    • 738
    • RETWEETS
    roseneriksecular_heroKCVanVoodelna_24cherokee_autumncollege_catladyphiltouchettedraperdoll
    shayf_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    BATMAN!
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    BATMAN!

    -Me, sorting through my grandma's mail.

    • 1,134
    • FAVS
    philandher96poshbirdgabibaseballchickiePeanut_ValerieBoffMoatmancanberrajonjnellbgtexasstalkermom
    • 656
    • RETWEETS
    poshbirdgabitexasstalkermomemweezy034MrRottenFaceshe_starkTink_tink25karateman98dirkwiggler99
    dick_ishmickeza1DanDoofus
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

You don't know true horror until you've had the realization that the bath toy you were squirting in your mouth as a child was your mother's used douche.