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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Gift @shkeeber Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 371
    • LIKES
    AKcrazy18Jn1ferJohnnyCrash5SuperJuandererfunnybeachgirldragonsorbetTheSnarlsCpin42
    • 214
    • RETWEETS
    Jn1ferSuperJuandererdickchonaryPhildo41GeauxSaints79nannerbanannersitouchtacosKJay2425
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The zoo basically had two modes:

    1. Boring sleeping animals.

    2. Hardcore porn.

    • 339
    • LIKES
    Cpin42paperphotoyoMs_LaserWhoTheHeckIsMegmatthews_peaceURsassyPantz__BongumenzithabaBoleyngirly
    • 200
    • RETWEETS
    twofittysmitty__SimonMalingaZALiyabona_VutulaSIZWE_MAGUBANE1gordoncasey2000TwosketabithacapeShareefFakier
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
    Me: You love me?
    Cop:
    Me:
    Cop:
    Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower?
    Cop: Yes.
    Me: *floors it*

    • 318
    • LIKES
    dyrbearjoe_muddynicfit75runkindatrunkRonin6750LucasHawkinsBeannmackpaperphotoyo
    • 160
    • RETWEETS
    joe_muddyLucasHawkinsBlack__ElvisMaxSnastIknowDennYToiletMikemadrigroberChihiroKohayaka
    Spaziotwat
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [How to flirt]

    Step 1: Stare
    Step 2: Stare
    Step 3: Stare
    Step 4: Stare
    Step 5: Stare
    Step 6: Stare
    Step 7: Stare
    Step 8: Stare

    I'm single

    • 273
    • LIKES
    JohnnyNopolistipsybrookeyLolaFaglanashoesurgeonTDeeRocksamtastic_darbyWhat_Grey_SaidSrixVaria
    • 138
    • RETWEETS
    shoesurgeonWhat_Grey_SaidCrooow1MoonLightRangerSheena_icyskickwriterAmandaRandom7__abhorrent_wife
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My blood test came back "cheese".

    • 265
    • LIKES
    openchakraCpin42madrigroberryannniederik_saarivwallacTweeterMediocreLaurelleMartin
    • 131
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberderik_saariLaurelleMartinSharpeBytesJohnnyNopolisKSTXNFavstar250Sloppilee
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Runner's high is a myth, just like gluten allergies and happiness.

    • 205
    • LIKES
    kims404notfoundJohnnyNopoliscarlosmolotovLuvPugJlofarsaysrazc1098__ThatGirlHealy24HourBitching
    • 142
    • RETWEETS
    JohnnyNopolisMacc40ThatGirlHealy24HourBitchingClockTowerGirlhook8669Boogiequn4everheatherlessley
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *wraps cat in plastic wrap*

    *pokes out nose holes*

    No Ebola for you, kitty.

    • 200
    • LIKES
    madrigroberSharpeBytesLorieGZSpaziotwatthenoahkinseyCompocolypseElKnuckelhombreTheGrimKing
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberTheGrimKingJohnnyNopolisZoePermafrostAdeenaaaashelbs_______DurtMcHurttdivadilemmaz
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Who decided to call them stepfathers instead of faux pas?

    • 197
    • LIKES
    JohnnyNopolisjohngayseeTangledM3ssSally5977nerdculabrittneyyyturtlec0cktheRealANHK
    • 94
    • RETWEETS
    TangledM3ssAttilla_IVa_mniallAdrianSurnameturtlec0ckGraemeMenziesIvsy01YourDailyGroan
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *Changes mom's ringtone to Me So Horny*
    *calls her at church*

    • 192
    • LIKES
    kims404notfoundCnichalsporeguyaewangstjcirimelemadrigroberSharpeBytesLorieGZ
    • 93
    • RETWEETS
    JohnnyNopolisesteban_xLRGroovyDeadOnetjcirimeleSpaziotwatmadrigroberronjon307swollenvoice
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My anaconda don't want buns because he's off carbs, son.

    • 181
    • LIKES
    LorieGZohheyitszaraSpaziotwatLilTooFarrandomlady74MontavloJoebitter_germanimmaculateR01
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    clarKKKentGreeneyedMofo__BandersnaaatchTheGrimKingMrDelFreakyjakeCBR600f__ari_goldsteinBoleyngirly
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: Is this about the long lunches I took...

    HR: It's about the wig and the 4 hours of Beyonce choreography in front of an oscillating fan.

    • 164
    • LIKES
    JohnnyNopolisstasiakeitatoocloudyforyoujohnnynajemBigMedwardsdullbulb_et_alWisherSweetsssblurayne
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    bluraynecapnschweikerIWazYoungtoocloudyforyouToiletMikeMizBlueBallsWhymessRandomchkk__
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "Are you a cop?"
    No
    "Because you have to tell me if you are."
    I'm NOT a cop.
    "You sure?"
    YES!
    "Ok... I'll have one Happy Meal please."

    • 159
    • LIKES
    LorieGZsettroitCnichalDanKCharnleySpaziotwatJohnnyNopolisTheMichaelRockShoutingGoddess
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    SpaziotwatlatigonabrookeLewisVuittonDonLIVINGDEAD4LIFEGreekSixMafiaMgQ85glisac__memphiselitepom
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    There's one stick figure on the back window of my car, crying in the shower.

    • 149
    • LIKES
    JohnnyNopolisBadPrincipessaobviousbiocycleLamontCranstonngonzohostilityMartinij1970perhapssomedayPuercotron
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    RSeanStewartMartinij1970perhapssomedaySpaziotwatAroraLilyinveterateslutBoleyngirlysalutona
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: Did it hurt?

    Satan: Did what hurt?

    Me: When you fell from heaven.

    Satan: *rolls eyes*

    • 130
    • LIKES
    madrigroberLorieGZDanKCharnleynicoleaarnoudseJustJosephuscrookedvulture1thenoahkinseyBryan_Swagger85
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberJustJosephusBlondiee_SwaythenoahkinseyLinger_ManiaTheGrimKingemilionnaire423ryanrp05
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    All I really want out of life is to see someone get struck by lightning while using a selfie stick.

    • 127
    • LIKES
    madrigroberLorieGZDanKCharnleyJohnnyNopolisCelebrityChezDeliriousinkTeeJayRushBlarebare
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberfreedomnow88AnywayAnywayAnyFourMeeTeeJayRushshellac_attackkeyziarkNYChaseter
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A burrito is diarrhea in its larval stage.

    • 134
    • LIKES
    madrigroberstormzadork__Cnichaljordan_strattonsadsince1964__notaloginDanKCharnley1_swarthy_dude
    • 72
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberSpaziotwatThoseVoicesthenoahkinseyTheGrimKingJohnnyNopoliswilliamwalsh191sipkn
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Neat! The Google Earth image of Detroit has a chalk outline drawn around it.

    • 137
    • LIKES
    madrigroberLorieGZTheGrimKingJohnnyNopolisJKALittleSirrruhkatie_1002_MightyMarc_
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    madrigrober_MightyMarc_MrC2daGBlack__ElvisZenDamsel__dawny716__wallybertbenerdist
    Kevinctyler2iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I hate when something seems like a good idea while you're drunk, but then in the morning you have a houseful of cats with glittery mohawks.

    • 113
    • LIKES
    JohnnyNopolismadrigroberDanKCharnleyWorkPTCTheMichaelRockxXlilfoxXxHeCalls_me_Lbethanyspake
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberLisaMarie1124yabbadabba95__bethanyspakeGreeneyedMofo__TheGrimKingcee_ceeLexi_Gj
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I never drink alone. That would be pathetic.

    *pets kitty*

    • 125
    • LIKES
    JohnnyNopolisKukiEsmePYDIGNADanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockTheGrimKingdaianasaucedo6NEthingButWork
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    ItsTime2BelievePOLARFAISEwheredidyougo_SandraP_VlcChiniMartinez2xmariamncxMNREDMexicomessyblank
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Before $300 smartwatches and fitness trackers, we used something cheaper called "sweating" to let us know if we were getting a good workout.

    • 98
    • LIKES
    madrigroberDanKCharnleyJohnnyNopolisLastPlaceRobjumpdasharkIamfarrow__CockydudeprobstheBorney
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    madrigrobernotsleeepingtiReynardEVO3talonFierywolf19TeeJayRushnakedbeardOrWasIt__
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.

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