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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *wraps cat in plastic wrap*

    *pokes out nose holes*

    No Ebola for you, kitty.

    • 165
    • FAVS
    radtoriaThRealBallsDeepMyPolishFaceSickayduhiAmDelFreakyJSLauderdaleFingers_of_FuryRandomManik
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    ThRealBallsDeepSickayduhiAmDelFreakyTheMichaelRockprofinsanoharker_johnSofiefrhannamonslaup
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No you hang up"

    *slams phone*

    Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

    • 104
    • FAVS
    iAmDelFreakyJessObsessDanKCharnleyThe_XMas_FartBlondAmbitionTOcolecosterRandomManikTheMichaelRock
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    iAmDelFreakyTheMichaelRockwingsimpliedMiralBushnaqAATahlakSPATULOUSvateverSaifBinS3eed
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My anaconda don't want buns because he's off carbs, son.

    • 107
    • FAVS
    radtoriaMyPolishFaceSickayduhiAmDelFreakytiReynardCatherineLMKabctrowervikkaroni
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    ThRealBallsDeepiAmDelFreakyabctrowerwingsimpliedKimberleymakadojohngayseeWalkThisJairilett
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A positive attitude at work will get you through the day.

    Drinking gin in the bathroom also works.

    • 63
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemEndhooSHans_BrixxMaddyBaylorTheMongoose69solveigb94
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    lostbrunetteMarielaS24SilverBadgerTheMongoose69MCKMDPemoneyisemazingcarmenalexis24mkxo_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Neat! The Google Earth image of Detroit has a chalk outline drawn around it.

    • 59
    • FAVS
    mrjohntofuDanKCharnleyThe_XMas_FartJSLauderdaleDarkerWillowwordsartmagic_BadKittyTheMichaelRock
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    mrjohntofuThe_XMas_FartJSLauderdalejohn_aitcTheMichaelRockSamePageDifDaynolehacex3killazilla
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *flips through hundreds of pictures of terrified children*

    Very impressive resume. Welcome to clown college!

    • 50
    • FAVS
    SheDoneGoodclindsayswayDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockwingsimpliedWalkThisJaiDadandBuriedbitchkrieg
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    SheDoneGoodclindsayswaywingsimpliedSamePageDifDayPer_IncuriamSkullfuckTEliHansenMusickillazilla
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Ok, maybe I “forgot” put on underwear, and maybe I “forgot” to wear pants, and you’re “pressing charges”, but I was INVITED to this funeral.

    • 49
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemTheMongoose69MrNickJCdkirbykirbzHeltonKGoinsTHEPokerWife
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    gathrawny______Rick_IZHarlowePilgrimlanerbananaBlairLoudlyAnitaSammichCristyCLewisalisarthegreat
    SuperApple8______
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If my penis were a glow worm bed time would be both sexy and comforting.

    • 47
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemgsu9696SilverBadgerMsJJ_14TheMongoose69MrNickJC
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    gsu9696SilverBadgerMsJJ_14TheMongoose69dkirbykirbzC_Berry3000TheGrimKingBob_Heller
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I bet God is punishing us with Ebola because he's pissed about Beyoncé's bangs too.

    • 46
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockObscureGentElskaLiamHenry_3kusandamtInfiniteTimes13stanstallman1
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    R33DUS_ONFIR3SamDeLancheheadstrong_girliheartguntsjctsmileyoneTheBeezNiezLord_JoJojhare420
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I had sex with a clown once and It was bonkers.

    It wasn't crazy.

    That was his name. Bonkers.

    • 40
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockCommonSavantRantdogtexasstalkermomkoalaslamentGre_GoneTeejayRush
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    CommonSavantTeejayRushCVTBabyfilthybeggar1__hangin_outBHMaloneyOrWasItAlexKimKE
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    It's a good thing Ebola isn't spread through panic.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockjprice88CrudeRudyemotionalsluttmian_kakakhelSamePageDifDayKimKardashsToe
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    jprice88HuwLaytonSamePageDifDaySetsfiendNeuroticMessUncleBob56tech_pirateKittenWritten
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Million dollar idea: Meth with fluoride.

    • 32
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRocknikkifacefulJimboleemTheMongoose69HousewifeOfHelldmckean44Cassiiie_Jo
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    Melissa_PersilookhomewardCassiiie_JoToxicTylenolbournecycleCarmensadiecassvinceKalvinMacleod
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    How many GI Joes do I have to shove up my butt to be considered “action packed”? So far I have 26 in there.

    *farts*

    Oopsie, make that 25.

    • 35
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemTheMongoose69fixyourcompassMrNickJCdkirbykirbzJack_Wagon1
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    not1ofyourfansMrNickJCdkirbykirbzaar0nv1BabyBlueEyes78mybellezbeckithfair____iAmDelFreaky
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *feeds cat Mentos*

    *fills bowl with diet coke*

    • 35
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockcmhutchSamePageDifDayKimKardashsToeElskaLiamJimboleemEndhooS
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    SamePageDifDayCompocolypseSarahSallam1goodfuckTheMongoose69thetwodeadboysiAmDelFreakyAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I like dinosaurs in a way that makes my jeans very snug.

    • 32
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockLuxClementineJimboleemmeganbrown813TheMongoose692_LipiLiciousUnlucky_Ninja
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    LuxClementineTheMongoose69Unlucky_NinjaStormyy3zowieebowieesomewhataladyMrNickJCCynner777
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Sometimes we lose sight of what's important. If this happens, simply refocus your binoculars, and get a better vantage point on the branch.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    clindsayswayDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemTheMongoose69grammar_cuntmarielicsxzbansheeprincces
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    clindsayswaymarielicsxzgeeeezuhsSummerSinnChelseyOwlSmithdaariann_somewhataladyHarrisTiger
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I lost my virginity to a very aggressive egg salad sandwich.

    • 31
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemTheMongoose69fixyourcompassMrNickJCBlairLoudlyJack_Wagon1
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    WildeWildetingMrNickJCErinMightKnowVulnavianistmarlespoCarpeOmnesRickNothingAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I don’t sleep naked anymore because people on the train are such fucking prudes.

    • 23
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemUncle_Kristiansneezy20340967TheMongoose69MrNickJCdkirbykirbz
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    Uncle_KristianRichEdgesneezy20340967TheMongoose69jordanmorris93backyardslutSmiiittysmokngrass
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I think you all know why I've gathered you here.

    [eyes everyone in the room]

    Someone... has POOPED my pants.

    [Everyone groans]

    Again!

    • 27
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemCanadaPandardm_guyWetzelGeekabhorrent_wifethejamietighe
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    rdm_guySilverBadgerevofckAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The baby was painted blue when I got here. I’m covered in blue paint because I tried to save baby. Blue is the color of lies and that baby.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemTheMongoose69MrNickJCJack_Wagon1captainolyaYawmbaaa
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    captainolyajeremie_17thYawmbaaaclemwin__________BlairLoudlyjohngayseeheadedtospaceMaleehaKay
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

Yes it's me. I lost my other account to ebola.