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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No you hang up"

    *slams phone*

    Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

    • 331
    • FAVS
    chelseaadmireSarcasmo718MrDelFreakyjohngayseesixfootcandypunmagnatetexasstalkermomEmilsG
    • 194
    • RETWEETS
    LexactlyMrDelFreakyBrandonBeckJrJayRainnbenaryorgPian0Play0r_vanita5ibogaino
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
    Me: You love me?
    Cop:
    Me:
    Cop:
    Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower?
    Cop: Yes.
    Me: *floors it*

    • 292
    • FAVS
    Gnarcotics_HaleyKregerThNyhussarabuffaloegrantcrottsalixxhillHawkBeardWAHM_of4
    • 151
    • RETWEETS
    MoeBrainsGnarcotics_mikefofficiallwnuclearWAHM_of4trevin11CzarXanderJDoody523
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My blood test came back "cheese".

    • 251
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowmcibtyBpatrick999999ConfusedButAblesquirrel74wkgnsl0wmyr0llalohawendysayskaceyreynolds
    • 128
    • RETWEETS
    KSTXNFavstar250SehablabooConfusedButAblefatinmohamed_misincarnatedTechno_Sheenclose_c__
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *wraps cat in plastic wrap*

    *pokes out nose holes*

    No Ebola for you, kitty.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    Jay1972JayKevinctyler2ZoePermafrostdaemonic3abtherockstar87Lobby_RaylouiseinwordsDurtMcHurtt
    • 109
    • RETWEETS
    ZoePermafrostAdeenaaaashelbyalmegardDurtMcHurttdivadilemmazrichardholywoodirracpsycheeAdar79Angie
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *Changes mom's ringtone to Me So Horny*
    *calls her at church*

    • 179
    • FAVS
    globaldiscussfbeccabelieveittktgrl1022BrendaBrinsdonjennalynn_96megaaangengeLuvPugtheDanLawler
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    ronjon307swollenvoiceshelbsss52Cockydudeprobsbobby_ringoCwAy_bcToxicProbablyMoi_RaRa
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My anaconda don't want buns because he's off carbs, son.

    • 171
    • FAVS
    MsLighthouseCatTheGrimKingLindaInDisguises_cLaN07MrDelFreakyCelebrityChezfarleftcoastRyantraildogs
    • 87
    • RETWEETS
    TheGrimKingMrDelFreakyjakeCBR600fari_goldsteinBoleyngirlyKevinctyler2BasilioTonimsYankeeTexan
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "Are you a cop?"
    No
    "Because you have to tell me if you are."
    I'm NOT a cop.
    "You sure?"
    YES!
    "Ok... I'll have one Happy Meal please."

    • 154
    • FAVS
    TheMichaelRockShoutingGoddesslatigonabrookeLewisVuittonDonkenya12yusuf__A_gucci123Dari9602banjo_jay
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    latigonabrookeLewisVuittonDonLIVINGDEAD4LIFEGreekSixMafiaMgQ85glisac__memphiselitepomMcKayyla
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: Did it hurt?

    Satan: Did what hurt?

    Me: When you fell from heaven.

    Satan: *rolls eyes*

    • 120
    • FAVS
    NormyChaplinACKY79SeaGlass4NicolefrankmattdsouzaHeyZeus666StacieMManningBELLOaveragesighb0rg
    • 86
    • RETWEETS
    WarDamnEmilyryanrp05tsst1084ACKY79frankmattdsouzaStacieMManningBELLOaveragemelissakriley
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    All I really want out of life is to see someone get struck by lightning while using a selfie stick.

    • 123
    • FAVS
    CelebrityChezDelirious_InkTeeJayRushBlarebarerockandrolloneXGroverXassiawiehtashleycrem
    • 78
    • RETWEETS
    AnywayAnywayAnyFourMeeTeeJayRushshellac_attackkeyziarkNYChaseterwimroosenswiamwiamwiam
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Neat! The Google Earth image of Detroit has a chalk outline drawn around it.

    • 133
    • FAVS
    JKALittleSirrruhkatie_1002Marc_The_MarvelSalad502Chiggeriusthebestofoolsaclevergirl
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    Marc_The_MarvelMrC2daGBlack__ElvisZenDamsel__dawny716wallybertbenerdistLindaInDisguise
    Kevinctyler2iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A burrito is diarrhea in its larval stage.

    • 123
    • FAVS
    Cheeseboy22mydmacAdar79Angiejenny5537GOLD1EGLOCKSTweetingDadGuyJumpintotheGrogRossbyrneW
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    williamwalsh191sipknIamzaFaulkerDavidWaddlecurse_t_70iGreenMonklordofthedelibeingthatgirl43
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Before $300 smartwatches and fitness trackers, we used something cheaper called "sweating" to let us know if we were getting a good workout.

    • 95
    • FAVS
    LastPlaceRobjumpdasharkIamfarrow__CockydudeprobstheBorneykCCOendratiReynardthatmarkabbott
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardEVO3talonMasid7TeeJayRushAnsab454OrWasItSnarkyLemurOhBoogers
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The guy on the train who constantly reads his bible scares me more than the guy that barks at his shoes.

    • 90
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguisejsbarker79NenaOvejaworkpantsplitDaphneDoo_sass_n_assMcKenzieShepardenigmaticmess
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    jsbarker79NenaOvejaworkpantsplitDaphneDoo_b_starrrMcKenzieShepardS_Kelly1980ADifGuy
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The zoo basically had two modes:

    1. Boring sleeping animals.

    2. Hardcore porn.

    • 75
    • FAVS
    Monkey732DBMaxPLapointedlyLaniBenoUnlucky_NinjamidlifecrisisfliRahulwahiaur_bhai
    • 47
    • RETWEETS
    DBMaxPniksehgalLaniBenoUnlucky_Ninjamidlifecrisisfltyrantasorusshakenbakegurllilianbuzzetto
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A positive attitude at work will get you through the day.

    Drinking gin in the bathroom also works.

    • 66
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguiseiMikosnycSpaziotwatDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemEndhooSHans_Brixx
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    lostbrunetteMarielaS24SilverBadgerTheMongoose69MCKMDPemoneyisemazingcarmenalexis24mkxo_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    For English press 1
    For for Spanish press 2
    For no wammies no wammies press stop

    • 72
    • FAVS
    dresspantsMissmacguffLunaLove47CelebrityChezLoganMcgowinBaxterbixGirrlGeniushuitzilopochtla
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    BaxterbixGirrlGeniusgeoffersonmittychris_erdmanblock215Love40learnTheMichaelRockjohngaysee
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *flips through hundreds of pictures of terrified children*

    Very impressive resume. Welcome to clown college!

    • 76
    • FAVS
    JaySusHChristBLowell12FannyBurtzogchrisholdridge_maggiewhatsjenoc1216FuzzeeDunlopSal0630
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    BLowell12FuzzeeDunlopSal0630nakedlaughingnocturnallymeDurtMcHurttSheDoneGoodclindsaysway
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Hi, I'm Mario and I'm an alcoholic.

    "This is weight watchers"

    Oh, hi, I'm Mario and how many points is twelve bottles of Smirnoff?

    • 76
    • FAVS
    yone_hendersonTheMichaelRockCompocolypsehewite86Chatson_xoohromujiciRobLikesToYellAthenaMystique
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    Cammille26emmasell_CalvinChildresstrainwreck1000SilverBadgerdaemonic3DecksterrrDurtMcHurtt
    LindaInDisguise
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Never trust a psychic with a bad haircut.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    yone_hendersonTheMichaelRockDanKCharnleyTDeeRocknathantonyethejessbessKizerBillhelmlllvvvzzz
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzKhaleddAhmedHotlinkStrahotaUnlucky_Ninja_ashpuprockinAuntieJshwebby3Black__Elvis
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Twitter is great if you have a few minutes or years to kill.

    • 58
    • FAVS
    TheMichaelRockLindaInDisguiselucyandgDanKCharnleyphenabolisJhalla71translucentme_Messengerofdog
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    RisuJanhavithenickideephenabolistranslucentme_irakarnikh_tejaslatte_dramabrownbrumby
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I'll hold grudges and tacos, but not babies.

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