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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Omg, I'm a huge fan!

    -Windmills

    • 4,129
    • FAVS
    pattioshankableTauseef31TheLeslieMommyangryassbastardsharkies3MelodieTamerpriscillaaa13dickchonary
    • 2,897
    • RETWEETS
    drankjackpattioshankablesharkies3TaffyStevens1dickchonaryTweets_GoneWildnicthebatousaimirajane023
    Reverend_ScottArroiaspekulationSamzen_ArrowsOfTheSunfilmbizproMr_goose007MrAdamBezAredubbleyou______SlipNutsTMshegotagronktjh4y4dave0749__________Mr_0rang3I_Mee_Myself_BrianSaetreToneLoOnTheGooakhillbargrillSweetTweetsBROKindOfASmartass__bdbdleeroybrownwortmusikdetroit_et
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Mom: You’re never moving out, are you?

    Me: *peaks out of pillow fort* probably not.

    Mom: Is my vodka in that fort?

    Me: NO GIRLS ALLOWED!

    • 3,411
    • FAVS
    dickchonaryTheSkulkingKiwiuh_like_iDunnopossibilyssBobButtcheekstkemna8z3nayIamCourtneyS
    • 2,065
    • RETWEETS
    SleepyMcSleepTheSkulkingKiwipossibilyssKennyWeithDumbCatFacelifecurrentlylininohioasiancuta
    DJLIWIKZyasserseifpartiallyproJ_Dazzle76MrsJekyllsHydestumblesdrunkenNinjaFuneral______outer_joshpeachey_keenGrashof_RockerBakeEmAwayToyzBlondiethegoodAristotlesNZ______cdncyn____________SimplyNamedTronSilleVioLancelottMusicaugustusglooopp__Cay_JENTheCamelToe_TheGrimKing
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'm a narsciic- narcssiss- narcasassi- narcysis-narcis-

    I'm better than you.

    • 2,366
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgoneTheIronSherkkrishna_vanNinja_Soup_Malcontent8AngryDonnytiReynardginnyrusse
    • 1,483
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vankuusela34MysticMethodssnuuglzzdisaronno4mewhodaaa9riestt__WindPushedGrass
    stockejocklittlekitnerboyCarolineCaseyCarboslyHrBryshwebby2__________cupcakelyndaWS_Panic__________MessJenkinsthatstingsgoodballsSimplyNamedTronJimmywibbles______10InchesPluschagger73Whateverfitsme____iBlaynepreawsaurusSilleVioDanKCharnley
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    1. Put your penis in.

    2. Take your penis out.

    3. Put your penis in.

    4. Shake it all about.

    5. Put coworkers sandwich back in the fridge.

    • 2,226
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_TJ_McDonaldCiaranGrumleyfinancechargejdforshortpaulcelestinotarlbludworthbees_wingz
    • 1,480
    • RETWEETS
    HaventaclooChioBunC33Fernandezradicaljocyfinancechargepaulcelestinobees_wingzKaeWhy270
    ed_spaceAllanCresswellKrissiBexthongbeardfilmbizproWtftabHam_Tornadosnapperdoo________BrookeBabbling____UncleDuke1969Genevieve0404
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: Whatcha making?

    Mom: Dill bread.

    Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?

    Mom: Get out.

    • 2,160
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_bees_wingzt_bagger_luckyocotilloxtuttifrootiProblyDrinkingan_AhmedSalahWindPushedGrass
    • 1,218
    • RETWEETS
    t_bagger_mikeaneWindPushedGrassejmichaels1freerogue87shakes31471mellimelleJCWisdomNuggets
    hipchkkMummsThaWord______BrendanMcKeiganNorthside_Mikeskin_and_i________YourDeadbeatDadmrt1mGuyThe_Guyclo_dee__________MeatShowAgain____
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Kids are SO gullible.


    And flammable, HOLY SHIT!

    • 2,077
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_ElRonPabloklevine617SeanWegmannbfrizz14maughammomprettygoodyearrotblum
    • 1,058
    • RETWEETS
    christinawilderJlofarsaysCVTBabyAndyAsAdjectivefoxxy311Tyler_RabideauAmishPornStar1Tw0Penneth
    ajvaageDanielRCarrilloSufficientCharmMrsMikePattonGhetto_Trophypeachey_keenJimmySelfDestfluffysusebazlyonslovablelucasJhonRulesocourtneynoGirlwithAIDSBuckyIsotopedixie_lee_peasdefnotscottAspersioncast
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    You're unfollowing me because I don't proof read my tweets?

    Go ahead, see if I take a shit.

    • 2,074
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_123Hopesterfinancechargepaulcelestinobees_wingzBmittonerickhyndman65XclairemckX
    • 982
    • RETWEETS
    financechargepaulcelestinoSpicey_RoseWindPushedGrassejmichaels1Qckhdfreerogue87AmbissSjh
    djr_102bazlyonsMidgetsparVerifiedJayy______MyFairCharity__JaySusHChristDeanB15johngayseeKingPatrick24nPhelendriqal
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Operator: 911, what's your emergency.

    Me: I'm 33 and I tried to do a cartwheel.

    • 1,944
    • FAVS
    dirtydishtowelsNinja_Soup_bees_wingzwish4spikeNS5ohkeplyqxtuttifrootipupbroofdog
    • 1,111
    • RETWEETS
    seafoamscribbleoctofussyuncleswbenefitsXclairemckXpupbroofdogiMillyMillzWindPushedGrassJediGigi
    belleahhimence2VFlorrrDBMaxPOne_FineMessisaaaaiheartgunts
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

    • 1,480
    • FAVS
    Tweets_GoneWildNinja_Soup_123Hopesterfinancechargebertaeuscaptcha_manMFSEDcatgoesbark
    • 1,389
    • RETWEETS
    Tweets_GoneWildfinancechargebertaeuscaptcha_manLOLbwoyHeisenbergulstirbeilizropo310
    MagillicuttyMac10InchesPlus
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Why are all the good tweets either already taken or gay?

    • 1,877
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgoneBran_Chan87Shut_up_MarissaNinja_Soup_DJLIWIKZSharkJellyJediGigiMmmYeahNo
    • 895
    • RETWEETS
    fuzzlimeSacamanoBsuperdadatronfreerogue87findmydollsOneSmartFellowi_solimarAndyGHKTweet
    AmishPornStar1fullblowndaveBrookeBabbling____Cpez38Lisabug74DanKCharnley
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    1. Write hilarious tweet.

    2. Laugh uncontrollably.

    3. Send tweet.

    4. Three stars.

    5. Die alone.

    • 1,851
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_Qckhdfreerogue87AmbissSjhOneSmartFellowOyeMainbhifreeg33kb0ne0ther_5ide
    • 917
    • RETWEETS
    freerogue87AmbissSjhkjkbabaVanamaliShastryolubelaDirtyPutraKolaKuti_theBraBurner
    CarboslyJorDAMN_Stevie_Talksquashguy15yellow__robotlittlekitnerboyedheenan__________The_MentalystsumpeoplelikeitLitra_In_Denial__abbeyaarCpin42jake_likes_napsShock_Monster__UrFavAsianGuymahatmatweeter_RichardParry_Maturity69BobCthulhuDanDoofus
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: *holds foot over pavement*

    Mom: Please, NO!

    Cop: Don’t do it, kid.

    Me: SHE PROMISED ME ICE CREAM! *steps on crack*

    Cop: *opens fire*

    • 1,691
    • FAVS
    jaugatNinja_Soup_Cory_KenneyitskuehnListerErikaDuke_Universitygabriellla_33DJSlappie
    • 1,045
    • RETWEETS
    deeverfever_17komer26mkrawczyk11RyanCrinoNicholasPufpaffgabriellla_33timfezerReillyWes
    JosesLovesYouXGroverXWeissBrandon______10InchesPlusYesImMattkyle_thatisallPetPinkElephantkidphonicOBiiieeeeStu_MonsterINeed_AnAdultFrozen_Brogurt
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Alcoholics: It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!

    Potheads: It’s 4:20 somewhere!

    Crackheads: I’ll suck your dick for $3!

    • 1,440
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_WindPushedGrassKennyc2653stonecold_teaJediGigiCameraShaiaudiiit_jennjenn
    • 933
    • RETWEETS
    Kennyc2653JediGigiwallin_rRheannuhhMarianaMewwianaMmmYeahNoktemp__xochris1werner
    krazy313hunter__
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Post a tweet that took you 40 minutes to write: 4 stars.

    Cat runs across the keyboard: 29 RTs, 416 stars, 3DMs.

    Sometimes I hate you all.

    • 1,654
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_ForeverHairybees_wingzBmittoneMirth_QuakeQuinnchopsmc_funbagsmiss_bipolar_21
    • 691
    • RETWEETS
    KizerBillhelmbees_wingzmc_funbagsKireiOniLynxSiamesemintyfrushImKillinYoupupbroofdog
    realjohnpaulkelkuluslittlekitnerboy0lipops__________gingerfacedchagger73bitchpersonifydobscurerobotkirbys4losers____
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The Five Stages of Twitter.

    1. Follow celebrities.

    2. Using hashtags.

    3. Follow real people.

    4. Find Favstar.

    5. Starvation & death.

    • 1,462
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_paibackkBDGarptushararora1724AshishR151chuckles_01JonestheatheistCVTBaby
    • 821
    • RETWEETS
    Anup_kumar86CrazyChokoholicchuckles_01daddymanwrayCVTBabycreativemuggle_Oviae_AmishPornStar1
    alldrolledupk8ieokayTheMongoose69fluffysusepeetiesays________GirltoMom
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Mom: Who are these people!

    Me: It’s a tweet-up!

    Mom: What?

    Me: These are my friends.

    Mom: That guy’s peeing on the cat!

    Me: He’s elite!

    • 1,514
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_ListerErikaShane_C_MeyerlaurakosierackiKevinBuffalofinancechargeminnie_in_pink7TheAngryMailGuy
    • 689
    • RETWEETS
    KevinBuffaloJediGigifreerogue87OneSmartFellowfuzzlimedmorgan65ToxicWorriernxrrytrxsh
    WtftabSufficientCharmNervousJrfluffysusetehBoodha________RickyScampDivineLately______CrMul____________
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Dear straight men,

    Just because we look at you doesn't mean we want to sleep with you.

    Sincerely,

    The gays.

    PS: Your jeans are hideous.

    • 1,225
    • FAVS
    AwkBlkGirlKatelinnnjsBertCarrilloKeystoneKid27Ninja_Soup_DJLIWIKZLolaVelvetKissdavidbicha
    • 788
    • RETWEETS
    Supermom2rescuefuzzlime_Illescasbutterflysiminpaulthompson81MotivatedMochacaudillroger76FiveGetsUTen
    shayf_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Mom: Rent’s due.

    Me: *puts on invisibility cloak*

    Mom: That’s a Hanna Montana sheet, fucker.

    Me: *waves wand* rentus oblivious!

    Mom: Ugh

    • 1,358
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_JediGigifreerogue87Smiley_VirusssSteveDutzylonelysoul23LittleeLauraaaMacice25
    • 602
    • RETWEETS
    freerogue87fuzzlimeJohnnyNopolisFrTravestyxytariumkaytaasilentcrankdatniggadamien
    tehBoodha________Fuckinmoronsjohngayseebkdcasey
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Alcoholism doesn’t run in my family. 

    It stumbles around. 

    • 1,256
    • FAVS
    BertCarrillokimt205Ninja_Soup_Arreguy23caseyaquilineannakressearlo100babyb0nald
    • 675
    • RETWEETS
    Katiew552fuzzlimemarielaurmarieArreguy23MariahVitezCassiePannanicholas5esteph_tarlton
    QuickBJ__________SasssPantsICagbanusiMothpete
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    BATMAN!
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    Nana
    BATMAN!

    -Me, sorting through my grandma's mail.

    • 1,198
    • FAVS
    Tweets_GoneWild2uesdaysgoneTheIronSherkNinja_Soup_Malcontent8nayomeewallaceWDinarteHope79907928
    • 687
    • RETWEETS
    Tweets_GoneWildmiranouaihedMasterOfFurybright_eyes_23Fanofmyself_2ProzackedmaryuhllSufficientCharm
    stockejockQckhdjumpdasharkmickeza1DanDoofus
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

You don't know true horror until you've had the realization that the bath toy you were squirting in your mouth as a child was your mother's used douche.