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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No you hang up"

    *slams phone*

    Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

    • 353
    • FAVS
    jolynnlovesyoumegan_mostdopeDesireemataaLindaK2013KevinAKizzlembichaelaFknVancouverDr_powpow
    • 202
    • RETWEETS
    KevinAKizzlepanthecameraSpaziotwatDr_powpowpaulablu22_fadingsongsrheaxoxxThe_BoozMan
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
    Me: You love me?
    Cop:
    Me:
    Cop:
    Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower?
    Cop: Yes.
    Me: *floors it*

    • 295
    • FAVS
    CnichalLindaK2013gillianag20thenoahkinseyCompocolypseapparentlysmartTheGrimKingBandersnaaatch
    • 153
    • RETWEETS
    SpaziotwatTheGrimKingGoin58GoinMoeBrainsGnarcotics_mikefofficiallwnuclearWAHM_of4
    Spaziotwat
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My blood test came back "cheese".

    • 255
    • FAVS
    SpaziotwatDanKCharnleyBandersnaaatchFukiuPoetryWildeThingyJohnnyNopolisericsshadowmcibty
    • 129
    • RETWEETS
    JohnnyNopolisKSTXNFavstar250__SloppileeConfusedButAblefatinmohamed_misincarnatedTechno_Sheen
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The zoo basically had two modes:

    1. Boring sleeping animals.

    2. Hardcore porn.

    • 234
    • FAVS
    cee_ceeSpaziotwatEVILnSHITdrewpetrouNowYouSeeHertimothyroe2Janella_Duboisobi_ian_kenobi
    • 139
    • RETWEETS
    davidbichadrewpetrouPunctuatedJunkobi_ian_kenobiAnNadezhda_Sibongile_SEugeneBabinSavageAphrodite
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *wraps cat in plastic wrap*

    *pokes out nose holes*

    No Ebola for you, kitty.

    • 197
    • FAVS
    SpaziotwatthenoahkinseyCompocolypseElKnuckelhombreTheGrimKingBandersnaaatchWildeThingyJohnnyNopolis
    • 111
    • RETWEETS
    TheGrimKingJohnnyNopolisZoePermafrostAdeenaaaashelbyalmegardDurtMcHurttdivadilemmazrichardholywood
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *Changes mom's ringtone to Me So Horny*
    *calls her at church*

    • 184
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockSpaziotwatBandersnaaatchJohnnyNopolisglobaldiscussfbeccabelieveittktgrl1022
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    ronjon307swollenvoiceshelbsss52Cockydudeprobsbobby_ringoCwAy_bcToxicProbablyMoi_RaRa
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My anaconda don't want buns because he's off carbs, son.

    • 179
    • FAVS
    SpaziotwatLilTooFarrandomlady74MontavloJoebitter_germanimmaculateR01_Knothead_taylor_lynn_w
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    clarKKKentGreeneyedMofoBandersnaaatchTheGrimKingMrDelFreakyjakeCBR600fari_goldsteinBoleyngirly
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "Are you a cop?"
    No
    "Because you have to tell me if you are."
    I'm NOT a cop.
    "You sure?"
    YES!
    "Ok... I'll have one Happy Meal please."

    • 157
    • FAVS
    CnichalDanKCharnleySpaziotwatJohnnyNopolisTheMichaelRockShoutingGoddesslatigonabrookeLewisVuittonDon
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    SpaziotwatlatigonabrookeLewisVuittonDonLIVINGDEAD4LIFEGreekSixMafiaMgQ85glisac__memphiselitepom
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: Did it hurt?

    Satan: Did what hurt?

    Me: When you fell from heaven.

    Satan: *rolls eyes*

    • 128
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyaj_dullaertJustJosephuscrookedvulture1thenoahkinseyBryan_Swagger85Compocolypselinger_st_randy
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    JustJosephusBlondiee_Swaythenoahkinseylinger_st_randyTheGrimKingWarDamnEmilyryanrp05tsst1084
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    All I really want out of life is to see someone get struck by lightning while using a selfie stick.

    • 125
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyJohnnyNopolisCelebrityChezDelirious_InkTeeJayRushBlarebarerockandrolloneXGroverX
    • 78
    • RETWEETS
    AnywayAnywayAnyFourMeeTeeJayRushshellac_attackkeyziarkNYChaseterwimroosenswiamwiamwiam
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A burrito is diarrhea in its larval stage.

    • 131
    • FAVS
    Cnichaljordan_strattonsadsince1964notaloginDanKCharnley1_swarthy_dudethenoahkinseyCompocolypse
    • 71
    • RETWEETS
    SpaziotwatThoseVoicesthenoahkinseyTheGrimKingJohnnyNopoliswilliamwalsh191sipknIamzaFaulker
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Neat! The Google Earth image of Detroit has a chalk outline drawn around it.

    • 135
    • FAVS
    TheGrimKingJohnnyNopolisJKALittleSirrruhkatie_1002Marc_The_MarvelSalad502Chiggerius
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    Marc_The_MarvelMrC2daGBlack__ElvisZenDamsel__dawny716wallybertbenerdistLindaInDisguise
    Kevinctyler2iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I hate when something seems like a good idea while you're drunk, but then in the morning you have a houseful of cats with glittery mohawks.

    • 111
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyHarsh_TweetzTheMichaelRockxXlilfoxXxHeCalls_me_LbethanyspakeCompocolypsems_corkandkeg
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    LisaMarie1124yabbadabba95bethanyspakeGreeneyedMofoTheGrimKingcee_ceeLexi_Gjmr_unfantastic
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I never drink alone. That would be pathetic.

    *pets kitty*

    • 123
    • FAVS
    PYDIGNADanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockTheGrimKingdaianasaucedo6NEthingButWorkNOLAtweetup2015POLARFAISE
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    ItsTime2BelievePOLARFAISEwheredidyougo_SandraP_VlcChiniMartinez2marianicasio99MNREDMexicoPerhapsItsYou
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Before $300 smartwatches and fitness trackers, we used something cheaper called "sweating" to let us know if we were getting a good workout.

    • 97
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyJohnnyNopolisLastPlaceRobjumpdasharkIamfarrow__CockydudeprobstheBorneykCCOendra
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardEVO3talonMasid7TeeJayRushAnsab454OrWasItSnarkyLemurOhBoogers
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Serving size? LOL

    -America

    • 102
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockNickiSixx12Jack_BatteryTheGrimKing_Knothead_freebirdy31Turtlesprints1
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    ravingrantJack_Battery_Knothead_ClamDiveCallMeMrBigsTeaBeaPeasadb0ycakesSalmaBar
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The guy on the train who constantly reads his bible scares me more than the guy that barks at his shoes.

    • 95
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyHeCalls_me_LThoseVoicesAJbelathenoahkinseyGretchenHLowellImTheSheriffDreamAbsinthe
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    thenoahkinseyKatalystofMineDreamAbsintheTheGrimKingjsbarker79NenaOvejaworkpantsplitDaphneDoo_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A positive attitude at work will get you through the day.

    Drinking gin in the bathroom also works.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieTheGrimKingJohnnyNopolisLindaInDisguiseiMikosnycSpaziotwatDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRock
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    lostbrunetteMarielaS24SilverBadgerTheMongoose69MCKMDPemoneyisemazingcarmenalexis24mkxo_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    For English press 1
    For for Spanish press 2
    For no wammies no wammies press stop

    • 74
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyJohnnyNopolisdresspantsMissmacguffLunaLove47CelebrityChezLoganMcgowinBaxterbix
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    BaxterbixGirrlGeniusgeoffersonmittychris_erdmanblock215Love40learnTheMichaelRockjohngaysee
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *flips through hundreds of pictures of terrified children*

    Very impressive resume. Welcome to clown college!

    • 78
    • FAVS
    thenoahkinseyTheGrimKingJohnnyNopolisJaySusHChristBLowell12FannyBurtzogchrisholdridge_maggiewhats
    • 36
    • RETWEETS
    thetigerspotthenoahkinseyTheGrimKingBLowell12FuzzeeDunlopSal0630nakedlaughingnocturnallyme
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.

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