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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *wraps cat in plastic wrap*

    *pokes out nose holes*

    No Ebola for you, kitty.

    • 184
    • FAVS
    divadilemmazHolderJeremyKrunkedRobotXOperfectmessXOVelovinraptorDonnie_Fairburnericsshadowheymalloryt
    • 103
    • RETWEETS
    divadilemmazrichardholywoodirracpsycheeAdar79AngieCopley_EricThRealBallsDeepSickayduhiAmDelFreaky
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My anaconda don't want buns because he's off carbs, son.

    • 144
    • FAVS
    CrystalsChaoticScarsFourEyesMeredvthkaztharsisMiss_Firefly_chagger73deathsquadbratTweetingDadGuy
    • 71
    • RETWEETS
    knappsyScarsFourEyeskaztharsischagger73GreysenTheGreattcarey76Scotty97365KizerBillhelm
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No you hang up"

    *slams phone*

    Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

    • 121
    • FAVS
    Adar79AngieericsshadowPurvoActualTheRealRHBDonnie_FairburnTweetingDadGuynicfit75iAmDelFreaky
    • 83
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealRHBAndee_StewartiAmDelFreakyTheMichaelRockwingsimpliedMiralBushnaqAATahlakSPATULOUS
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A positive attitude at work will get you through the day.

    Drinking gin in the bathroom also works.

    • 63
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemEndhooSHans_BrixxMaddyBaylorTheMongoose69solveigb94
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    lostbrunetteMarielaS24SilverBadgerTheMongoose69MCKMDPemoneyisemazingcarmenalexis24mkxo_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Neat! The Google Earth image of Detroit has a chalk outline drawn around it.

    • 66
    • FAVS
    mrjohntofuDanKCharnleyThe_XMas_FartJSLauderdaleDarkerWillowwordsartmagic_BadKittyTheMichaelRock
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    mrjohntofuThe_XMas_FartJSLauderdalejohn_aitcTheMichaelRockSamePageDifDaynolehacex3killazilla
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Never trust a psychic with a bad haircut.

    • 65
    • FAVS
    nathantonyethejessbessKizerBillhelmlllvvvzzziMikosnycBobHellerTeesSteveDutzyBlackCheesePie
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzKhaleddAhmedHotlinkStrahotaUnlucky_Ninja_ashpuprockinAuntieJshwebby3Black__Elvis
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *flips through hundreds of pictures of terrified children*

    Very impressive resume. Welcome to clown college!

    • 58
    • FAVS
    SheDoneGoodclindsayswayDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockwingsimpliedWalkThisJaiDadandBuriedbitchkrieg
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    SheDoneGoodclindsayswaywingsimpliedSamePageDifDayPer_IncuriamSkullfuckTEliHansenMusickillazilla
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Ok, maybe I “forgot” put on underwear, and maybe I “forgot” to wear pants, and you’re “pressing charges”, but I was INVITED to this funeral.

    • 49
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemTheMongoose69MrNickJCdkirbykirbzHeltonKGoinsTHEPokerWife
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    gathrawny______Rick_IZHarlowePilgrimlanerbananaBlairLoudlyAnitaSammichCristyCLewisalisarthegreat
    SuperApple8______
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Has anyone else noticed that everyone is stupid?

    • 47
    • FAVS
    CoopstarTMblurryfotochagger73HeyZeus666KizerBillhelmlovemydogducktiReynardBillGoose
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    Johannablaisechagger73TalilaTweetsOffBrand83iMikosnycthenoahkinseyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
    Me: You love me?
    Cop:
    Me:
    Cop:
    Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower?
    Cop: Yes.
    Me: *floors it*

    • 49
    • FAVS
    ASAP_Nick_SMOKEclindsayswayKimKardashsToeiMikosnycdeathsquadbratsymplSarahhEmm_n_Emmmyahkay1988
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    AlexLoveHillclindsayswaysymplSarahhjuliconfortofmaguireaustinwolfchildSquareKnightBallingerJenna
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If my penis were a glow worm bed time would be both sexy and comforting.

    • 47
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemgsu9696SilverBadgerMsJJ_14TheMongoose69MrNickJC
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    gsu9696SilverBadgerMsJJ_14TheMongoose69dkirbykirbzC_Berry3000TheGrimKingBob_Heller
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I can go from zero to wildly inappropriate in six midgets gangbanging your grandma.

    • 47
    • FAVS
    BigBec43Treezy_TrevMaryLauzonyazeuaxSamPollack98Mikeanator55itsalexcoutureGoddessofChaos7
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    hurleyjujimmyfnjonesmichelle_marieechris1wernerKizerBillhelmchagger73thoughtaccidentImSortOfSarah
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I bet God is punishing us with Ebola because he's pissed about Beyoncé's bangs too.

    • 47
    • FAVS
    GoddamnDelightDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockObscureGentElskaLiamHenry_3kusandamtInfiniteTimes13
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    R33DUS_ONFIR3SamDeLancheheadstrong_girliheartguntsjctsmileyoneTheBeezNiezLord_JoJojhare420
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Watching me dance is a form of contraception.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    leighbertchtreeCalvinThoabjackadabraKizerBillhelmBlack__ElvisSuisunDankelkuluschagger73
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    abjackadabraAnita_napchagger73WavyNickJohnBechardhereholddeezdarshan_dedhiyaUcalledmeyour2
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Sorry I Photoshoped myself into your ultrasound.

    • 49
    • FAVS
    lacey_mae21deathsquadbratmrkernalsspeknycKimKardashsToeBigBec43DawgGabrielCurtmacklin
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    speknycbrennadinesvboshDavidDeebleBlack__ElvisBeal58Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    All my friends are buying homes and starting families and I just went to the Coinstar machine because I needed toilet paper money.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    televictim22ewws13KizerBillhelmBlack__ElvisTr8ner69CoLiN69JsalamingiaLakeEffectXJ
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    pureinpurplesalamingiaImSortOfSarahlarrygoodlandertiReynardfranciskafriedeWavyNickCorner3s
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I had sex with a clown once and It was bonkers.

    It wasn't crazy.

    That was his name. Bonkers.

    • 40
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockCommonSavantRantdogtexasstalkermomkoalaslamentGre_GoneTeejayRush
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    CommonSavantTeejayRushCVTBabyfilthybeggar1hangin_outBHMaloneyOrWasItAlexKimKE
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My father wasn't around long enough for me to develop daddy issues. So, to be honest, I don't even know why I have a Twitter account.

    • 39
    • FAVS
    UnFitzmellimelleclindsayswayKimKardashsToeCanadaPandaLuvPugiMikosnycKizerBillhelm
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    clindsayswayKizerBillhelmbullfrog_1979biketestingerbearrrickhelms1Chuckiec247Swishergirl24
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    It's a good thing Ebola isn't spread through panic.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockjprice88CrudeRudyemotionalsluttmian_kakakhelSamePageDifDayKimKardashsToe
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    jprice88HuwLaytonSamePageDifDaySetsfiendNeuroticMessUncleBob56tech_pirateKittenWritten
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I would gladly risk potential Ebola exposure if it meant 21 days away from everyone I know.

    • 31
    • FAVS
    GeorgeScumbagTweetingDadGuySquareKnightmathewmorton82hueyhereBlairLoudlydhilliard74yuriraul
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    mathewmorton82theillking__gypsyyuriraulnormancallmeKizerBillhelmToniBeylchagger73
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

Yes, it's me. My other account got ebola.