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Okay, we shall bug you no longer
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Gift @shkeeber Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 365
    • FAVS
    madrigroberStr8GuyGayQuoteBob_HellerbeermanboobsWhyShouldIWaitColeIngram11TRBLmakerJBSSeanD1111
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    nannerbanannersitouchtacosKJay2425madrigroberKizerBillhelmColeIngram11TRBLmakerJBSSeanD1111
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The zoo basically had two modes:

    1. Boring sleeping animals.

    2. Hardcore porn.

    • 317
    • FAVS
    Ilovelamp1979michaelhockey99madrigroberSleazySlidaniel_frijolesTimosaurusRexitszizuthepoetknight
    • 179
    • RETWEETS
    IsAllinTheWristKJay2425madrigroberscott_atlantathepoetknightDeniseWalker81lala_hoshorthetigerspot
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
    Me: You love me?
    Cop:
    Me:
    Cop:
    Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower?
    Cop: Yes.
    Me: *floors it*

    • 305
    • FAVS
    madrigrober3a_lolamr_michaelwoodsUSAF272chelliet22PapanovaTaisiyaSilverBadgerastutenewf
    • 157
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberChihiroKohayakaRobNurmiHamza_NanabhaiSilverBadgerastutenewfMidnightReisRuledamonkeys
    Spaziotwat
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My blood test came back "cheese".

    • 264
    • FAVS
    madrigroberryannniederik_saarivwallacTweeterMediocreLaurelleMartinDillonGerouxSharpeBytes
    • 131
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberderik_saariLaurelleMartinSharpeBytesJohnnyNopolisKSTXNFavstar250Sloppilee
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Runner's high is a myth, just like gluten allergies and happiness.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    madrigroberToofpick78MsGreenGoddessmarisaaudcatcervenyBossyBritches72SweetsugarloveySSourblondie
    • 136
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberMsGreenGoddessmarisaaudcatcervenySSourblondieTheColorChloeshed_a_mcTEARWhite_Trash218
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *wraps cat in plastic wrap*

    *pokes out nose holes*

    No Ebola for you, kitty.

    • 200
    • FAVS
    madrigroberSharpeBytesLorieGZSpaziotwatthenoahkinseyCompocolypseElKnuckelhombreTheGrimKing
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberTheGrimKingJohnnyNopolisZoePermafrostAdeenaaaashelbyalmegardDurtMcHurttdivadilemmaz
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *Changes mom's ringtone to Me So Horny*
    *calls her at church*

    • 187
    • FAVS
    madrigroberSharpeBytesLorieGZDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockSpaziotwatBandersnaaatchJohnnyNopolis
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberronjon307swollenvoiceshelbsss52Cockydudeprobsbobby_ringoCwAy_bcToxicProbably
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My anaconda don't want buns because he's off carbs, son.

    • 181
    • FAVS
    LorieGZzarascottioSpaziotwatLilTooFarrandomlady74MontavloJoebitter_germanimmaculateR01
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    clarKKKentGreeneyedMofoBandersnaaatchTheGrimKingMrDelFreakyjakeCBR600fari_goldsteinBoleyngirly
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "Are you a cop?"
    No
    "Because you have to tell me if you are."
    I'm NOT a cop.
    "You sure?"
    YES!
    "Ok... I'll have one Happy Meal please."

    • 159
    • FAVS
    LorieGZsettroitCnichalDanKCharnleySpaziotwatJohnnyNopolisTheMichaelRockShoutingGoddess
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    SpaziotwatlatigonabrookeLewisVuittonDonLIVINGDEAD4LIFEGreekSixMafiaMgQ85glisac__memphiselitepom
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: Is this about the long lunches I took...

    HR: It's about the wig and the 4 hours of Beyonce choreography in front of an oscillating fan.

    • 154
    • FAVS
    catmarstruredpawn3MizBlueBallsthejessbessCatherineLMKRandomchkkLorieGZtheevilwriter
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    MizBlueBallsWhymessRandomchkkWalkThisJaiLaContentaVidatoxic_tyler_AquaticOrchidPruittWinston
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: Did it hurt?

    Satan: Did what hurt?

    Me: When you fell from heaven.

    Satan: *rolls eyes*

    • 130
    • FAVS
    madrigroberLorieGZDanKCharnleynicoleaarnoudseJustJosephuscrookedvulture1thenoahkinseyBryan_Swagger85
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberJustJosephusBlondiee_SwaythenoahkinseyLinger_ManiaTheGrimKingemilionnaire423ryanrp05
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    All I really want out of life is to see someone get struck by lightning while using a selfie stick.

    • 127
    • FAVS
    madrigroberLorieGZDanKCharnleyJohnnyNopolisCelebrityChezDelirious_InkTeeJayRushBlarebare
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberfreedomnow88AnywayAnywayAnyFourMeeTeeJayRushshellac_attackkeyziarkNYChaseter
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A burrito is diarrhea in its larval stage.

    • 134
    • FAVS
    madrigroberstormzadorkCnichaljordan_strattonsadsince1964notaloginDanKCharnley1_swarthy_dude
    • 72
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberSpaziotwatThoseVoicesthenoahkinseyTheGrimKingJohnnyNopoliswilliamwalsh191sipkn
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Neat! The Google Earth image of Detroit has a chalk outline drawn around it.

    • 137
    • FAVS
    madrigroberLorieGZTheGrimKingJohnnyNopolisJKALittleSirrruhkatie_1002Marc_The_Marvel
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberMarc_The_MarvelMrC2daGBlack__ElvisZenDamsel__dawny716wallybertbenerdist
    Kevinctyler2iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    There's one stick figure on the back window of my car, crying in the shower.

    • 135
    • FAVS
    papasuncle_TXBaseballMomkdmcln13187wife_housyNumSayinNone4MeThanxalmightytoddBlack__Elvis
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    amie_aielloNone4MeThanxalmightytoddstalkinghandsFreakyPenmadmadhattingcaseytduncanzecache
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I hate when something seems like a good idea while you're drunk, but then in the morning you have a houseful of cats with glittery mohawks.

    • 112
    • FAVS
    madrigroberDanKCharnleyHarsh_TweetzTheMichaelRockxXlilfoxXxHeCalls_me_LbethanyspakeCompocolypse
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberLisaMarie1124yabbadabba95bethanyspakeGreeneyedMofoTheGrimKingcee_ceeLexi_Gj
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I never drink alone. That would be pathetic.

    *pets kitty*

    • 124
    • FAVS
    KukiEsmePYDIGNADanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockTheGrimKingdaianasaucedo6NEthingButWorkNOLAtweetup2015
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    ItsTime2BelievePOLARFAISEwheredidyougo_SandraP_VlcChiniMartinez2marianicasio99MNREDMexicobrokeandead
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Before $300 smartwatches and fitness trackers, we used something cheaper called "sweating" to let us know if we were getting a good workout.

    • 98
    • FAVS
    madrigroberDanKCharnleyJohnnyNopolisLastPlaceRobjumpdasharkIamfarrow__CockydudeprobstheBorney
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    madrigrobernotsleeepingtiReynardEVO3talonMasid7TeeJayRushAnsab454OrWasIt
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Serving size? LOL

    -America

    • 103
    • FAVS
    madrigroberissyripleyy_DanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockNickiSixx12Jack_BatteryTheGrimKing_Knothead_
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberravingrantJack_Battery_Knothead_ClamDiveCallMeMrBigsTeaBeaPeasadb0ycakes
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The guy on the train who constantly reads his bible scares me more than the guy that barks at his shoes.

    • 95
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyHeCalls_me_LThoseVoicesAJbelathenoahkinseyGretchenHLowellImTheSheriffDreamAbsinthe
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    thenoahkinseyKatalystofMineDreamAbsintheTheGrimKingjsbarker79NenaOvejaworkpantsplitDaphneDoo_
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.

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