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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No you hang up"

    *slams phone*

    Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

    • 331
    • FAVS
    Sarcasmo718MrDelFreakyjohngayseesixfootcandypunmagnatetexasstalkermomEmilsGNewmanNoir
    • 194
    • RETWEETS
    MrDelFreakyBrandonBeckJrJayRainnbenaryorgPian0Play0r_vanita5ibogainostr8upjuggahos
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
    Me: You love me?
    Cop:
    Me:
    Cop:
    Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower?
    Cop: Yes.
    Me: *floors it*

    • 290
    • FAVS
    Gnarcotics_HaleyKregerThNyhussarabuffaloegrantcrottsalixxhillHawkBeardWAHM_of4
    • 150
    • RETWEETS
    Gnarcotics_mikefofficiallwnuclearWAHM_of4trevin11CzarXanderJDoody523ives_alan
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *wraps cat in plastic wrap*

    *pokes out nose holes*

    No Ebola for you, kitty.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    Jay1972JayKevinctyler2ZoePermafrostdaemonic3abtherockstar87Lobby_RaylouiseinwordsDurtMcHurtt
    • 109
    • RETWEETS
    ZoePermafrostAdeenaaaashelbyalmegardDurtMcHurttdivadilemmazrichardholywoodirracpsycheeAdar79Angie
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *Changes mom's ringtone to Me So Horny*
    *calls her at church*

    • 173
    • FAVS
    Bob_Hellerswollenvoicealexgross37jul1anchaeCockydudeprobsTarquinMelnykthelittlephrasececilesites
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    swollenvoiceshelbsss52Cockydudeprobsbobby_ringoCwAy_bcToxicProbablyMoi_RaRaMoore84H
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My anaconda don't want buns because he's off carbs, son.

    • 171
    • FAVS
    MsLighthouseCatTheGrimKingLindaInDisguises_cLaN07MrDelFreakyCelebrityChezfarleftcoastRyantraildogs
    • 87
    • RETWEETS
    TheGrimKingMrDelFreakyjakeCBR600fari_goldsteinBoleyngirlyKevinctyler2BasilioTonimsYankeeTexan
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "Are you a cop?"
    No
    "Because you have to tell me if you are."
    I'm NOT a cop.
    "You sure?"
    YES!
    "Ok... I'll have one Happy Meal please."

    • 153
    • FAVS
    ShoutingGoddesslatigonabrookeLewisVuittonDonkenya12yusufA_gucci123Dari9602banjo_jayChillingEmbers
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    latigonabrookeLewisVuittonDonLIVINGDEAD4LIFEGreekSixMafiaMgQ85glisacmemphiselitepomMcKayyla
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My blood test came back "cheese".

    • 137
    • FAVS
    thelittlephraseonume_lilgapeach32__MistressOfOzblackyboobooVodkaMaryJCWisdomNuggetsKhrisWarhol
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    WildeWildetinglilgapeach32__JCWisdomNuggetsjegheterbellaObscureTrevorxfitzyxarmanwalkerTheTrueWallaby
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Neat! The Google Earth image of Detroit has a chalk outline drawn around it.

    • 129
    • FAVS
    10andfatZenDamselJessiCanadianruraljulesdawny716tiReynardSnowWhiteRNazlarisasays
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    ZenDamseldawny716wallybertbenerdistLindaInDisguiselllvvvzzzLanecat2andyzoric
    Kevinctyler2iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Before $300 smartwatches and fitness trackers, we used something cheaper called "sweating" to let us know if we were getting a good workout.

    • 95
    • FAVS
    jumpdasharkhiimrenCockydudeprobstheBorneykCCOendratiReynardthatmarkabbottMasid7
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardEVO3talonMasid7TeejayRushAnsab454OrWasItSnarkyLemurOhBoogers
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A burrito is diarrhea in its larval stage.

    • 89
    • FAVS
    purdon91SpaceCatZerochrisNaztylclemmereminjerkcalluptomeBatDork87KristiBelle29
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    Oddest_GoddessKristiBelle29OLDIRTYDIAPERjskennedy1979threeinchgiantSteenPiine21_2007Jay_FrickinLynn
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The guy on the train who constantly reads his bible scares me more than the guy that barks at his shoes.

    • 90
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguisejsbarker79NenaOvejaworkpantsplitDaphneDoo_sass_n_assMcKenzieShepardenigmaticmess__
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    jsbarker79NenaOvejaworkpantsplitDaphneDoo_b_starrrMcKenzieShepardS_Kelly1980ADifGuy
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A positive attitude at work will get you through the day.

    Drinking gin in the bathroom also works.

    • 66
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguiseiMikosnycSpaziotwatDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemEndhooSHans_Brixx
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    lostbrunetteMarielaS24SilverBadgerTheMongoose69MCKMDPemoneyisemazingcarmenalexis24mkxo_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *flips through hundreds of pictures of terrified children*

    Very impressive resume. Welcome to clown college!

    • 76
    • FAVS
    JaySusHChristBLowell12FannyBurtzogchrisholdridge_maggiewhatsjenoc1216FuzzeeDunlopSal0630
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    BLowell12FuzzeeDunlopSal0630nakedlaughingnocturnallymeDurtMcHurttSheDoneGoodclindsaysway
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Never trust a psychic with a bad haircut.

    • 68
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTDeeRocknathantonyethejessbessKizerBillhelmlllvvvzzziMikosnycBobHellerTees
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzKhaleddAhmedHotlinkStrahotaUnlucky_Ninja_ashpuprockinAuntieJshwebby3Black__Elvis
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    For English press 1
    For for Spanish press 2
    For no wammies no wammies press stop

    • 63
    • FAVS
    bittersuess44GageBostonjusknittinhrywlmsthejessbessjohngayseeTheRealDCFExcapeplan
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    johngayseeTheRealDCFExcapeplannevels_kendyleTheGrimKingMrDelFreakyMirth_Quake_Bee66_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Twitter is great if you have a few minutes or years to kill.

    • 57
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguiselucyandgDanKCharnleyphenabolisJhalla71translucentme_MessengerofdogHi_I_DontCare__
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    RisuJanhavithenickideephenabolistranslucentme_irakarnikh_tejaslatte_dramabrownbrumby
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    All my friends are buying homes and starting families and I just went to the Coinstar machine because I needed toilet paper money.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguiseCelebrityChezKevinctyler2DanKCharnley3rdWaveHopefulJust_Lee_grammar_cuntmichelleleamy73
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    Kevinctyler2osigatBeamishBoiIAmTheCrewTateRyannTitansHomerTeejayRushpureinpurple
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I would gladly risk potential Ebola exposure if it meant 21 days away from everyone I know.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguisebittersuess44DanKCharnleyMattMcGruffCanadaPandaMihawkBloodcaptaincoximusForKevinSake
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    ForKevinSakesling_wordsOneSmartFellow__misselizabeth22miaalejandraaTateRyannSpacePlanktonTitansHomer
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Has anyone else noticed that everyone is stupid?

    • 57
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguisemilehighcreekJlofarsays419BillEOLDIRTYDIAPERDanKCharnleyC_Berry3000chels_oh
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    419BillEOLDIRTYDIAPERcakeisimportantJohannablaisechagger73TalilaTweetsOffBrand83iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: I hate you and wish you were never born!

    Copy machine:

    Me: DON'T YOU IGNORE ME!

    Copy machine:

    Me: You're a monster.

    • 56
    • FAVS
    9four9objextinmotionLoveNLunchmeatBoobzillazjakegunstdragonkindstfspworkpantsplitFarrar82
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    HeartSt0lerTobiSinclairHannibal_BaggaDoLaLeeDoDogLovesWinestephandstufftheshamingofjayWittySassBasket
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

Gay for tacos. Even gayer for dudes who bring me tacos.