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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No you hang up"

    *slams phone*

    Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

    • 326
    • FAVS
    punmagnatetexasstalkermomEmilsGNewmanNoirRasalgh_xxyykevinx108joyzaniboni
    • 193
    • RETWEETS
    BrandonBeckJrJayRainnbenaryorgPian0Play0r_vanita5ibogainostr8upjuggahosKarottenbaum_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
    Me: You love me?
    Cop:
    Me:
    Cop:
    Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower?
    Cop: Yes.
    Me: *floors it*

    • 246
    • FAVS
    wifewithabsballforlife3brennna6LindaInDisguisejsbarker79ThomaSandersIIIdbedalbertaHpHubert
    • 117
    • RETWEETS
    mavisgwinjsbarker79HpHubertEms_HargettevidentlyblondeMariusStefi2472thestreetzlvvzz
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *wraps cat in plastic wrap*

    *pokes out nose holes*

    No Ebola for you, kitty.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    Jay1972JayKevinctyler2ZoePermafrostdaemonic3abtherockstar87Lobby_RaylouiseinwordsDurtMcHurtt
    • 109
    • RETWEETS
    ZoePermafrostAdeenaaaashelbyalmegardDurtMcHurttdivadilemmazrichardholywoodirracpsycheeAdar79Angie
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My anaconda don't want buns because he's off carbs, son.

    • 171
    • FAVS
    MsLighthouseCatTheGrimKingLindaInDisguises_cLaN07MrDelFreakyCelebrityChezfarleftcoastRyantraildogs
    • 87
    • RETWEETS
    TheGrimKingMrDelFreakyjakeCBR600fari_goldsteinBoleyngirlyKevinctyler2BasilioTonimsYankeeTexan
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *Changes mom's ringtone to Me So Horny*
    *calls her at church*

    • 161
    • FAVS
    heathers_petalsmrssmithnowmadgej2716ExcapeplanvexterskumVikeeysSecretTw1tter_K1ttenimagin8ion
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    heathers_petalsnicoshahVikeeysSecretBonJovi32BoobzillazInfamousAmbroseFly8884alexdhenley
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Neat! The Google Earth image of Detroit has a chalk outline drawn around it.

    • 129
    • FAVS
    10andfatZenDamselJessiCanadianruraljulesdawny716tiReynardSnowWhiteRNazlarisasays
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    ZenDamseldawny716wallybertbenerdistLindaInDisguiselllvvvzzzLanecat2andyzoric
    Kevinctyler2iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "Are you a cop?"
    No
    "Because you have to tell me if you are."
    I'm NOT a cop.
    "You sure?"
    YES!
    "Ok... I'll have one Happy Meal please."

    • 124
    • FAVS
    Trill_SarafluffysuseDitch_kellysssh_squirrelAustinFlanaryshamsiruheS_SL813spencer
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    Trill_SaraPSBStarsgoodbyyeblueskyhoneybstewfarleftcoastDukEB51LuvPugEveOrCrys
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My blood test came back "cheese".

    • 98
    • FAVS
    Hannibal_BaggaleashaletteTeriBussartSnehaNaiduTheGrimKingRitalinSpinMissmacgufftiReynard
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    leashaletteTheGrimKingRitalinSpingaynorlsimpsontiReynard69shadesoftaardavidwadesthemissinglinc
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Before $300 smartwatches and fitness trackers, we used something cheaper called "sweating" to let us know if we were getting a good workout.

    • 76
    • FAVS
    thejodiestColoChivertheDanLawlerantthotrebleBELLSOFSTEELsmurfsomalleyMoJundiBounse44
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    ColoChiverMike3141592antthotreblesmurfsomalleyRimkeezSpicey_Roseafckinggrownupsteve_condra
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The guy on the train who constantly reads his bible scares me more than the guy that barks at his shoes.

    • 90
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguisejsbarker79NenaOvejaworkpantsplitDaphneDoo_sass_n_assMcKenzieShepardenigmaticmess__
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    jsbarker79NenaOvejaworkpantsplitDaphneDoo_b_starrrMcKenzieShepardS_Kelly1980ADifGuy
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A positive attitude at work will get you through the day.

    Drinking gin in the bathroom also works.

    • 66
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguiseiMikosnyctobulistDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemEndhooSHans_Brixx
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    lostbrunetteMarielaS24SilverBadgerTheMongoose69MCKMDPemoneyisemazingcarmenalexis24mkxo_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Never trust a psychic with a bad haircut.

    • 68
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTDeeRocknathantonyethejessbessKizerBillhelmlllvvvzzziMikosnycBobHellerTees
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzKhaleddAhmedHotlinkStrahotaUnlucky_Ninja_ashpuprockinAuntieJshwebby3Black__Elvis
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    For English press 1
    For for Spanish press 2
    For no wammies no wammies press stop

    • 62
    • FAVS
    GageBostonjusknittinhrywlmsthejessbessjohngayseeTheRealDCFExcapeplannevels_kendyle
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    johngayseeTheRealDCFExcapeplannevels_kendyleTheGrimKingMrDelFreakyMirth_Quake_Bee66_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Twitter is great if you have a few minutes or years to kill.

    • 57
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguiselucyandgDanKCharnleyphenabolisJhalla71translucentme_MessengerofdogHi_I_DontCare__
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    RisuJanhavithenickideephenabolistranslucentme_irakarnikh_tejaslatte_dramabrownbrumby
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    All my friends are buying homes and starting families and I just went to the Coinstar machine because I needed toilet paper money.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguiseCelebrityChezKevinctyler2DanKCharnley3rdWaveHopefulJust_Lee_grammar_cuntmichelleleamy73
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    Kevinctyler2osigatBeamishBoiIAmTheCrewTateRyannTitansHomerTeejayRushpureinpurple
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *flips through hundreds of pictures of terrified children*

    Very impressive resume. Welcome to clown college!

    • 60
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguiseiMikosnycSheDoneGoodclindsayswayDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockwingsimpliedWalkThisJai
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    SheDoneGoodclindsayswaywingsimpliedSamePageDifDayPer_IncuriamSkullfuckTEliHansenMusickillazilla
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I would gladly risk potential Ebola exposure if it meant 21 days away from everyone I know.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguisebittersuess44DanKCharnleyMattMcGruffCanadaPandaMihawkBloodcaptaincoximusForKevinSake
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    ForKevinSakesling_wordsOneSmartFellowmisselizabeth22miaalejandraaTateRyannSpacePlanktonTitansHomer
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Has anyone else noticed that everyone is stupid?

    • 57
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguisemilehighcreekJlofarsays419BillEOLDIRTYDIAPERDanKCharnleyC_Berry3000chels_oh
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    419BillEOLDIRTYDIAPERcakeisimportantJohannablaisechagger73TalilaTweetsOffBrand83iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Say supposably one more time...

    *cocks gun*

    I dare you.

    • 58
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguiseCelebrityChezbeefman138greenleader77kyannakingbirdtwhiteazHuber138JulesC70
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    JulesC70minnie_in_pink7beccaberminghamoccipital1le_broskiBwanaChrisMellyRockOwlKevinctyler2
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *bangs on ceiling with broom*

    I CAN'T HEAR YOU GUYS SCREWING!

    • 60
    • FAVS
    LindaInDisguiseStr8GuyGayQuotebuckweiser13onelongbenderBHMaloneyHeyZeus666GoofyGeminihenscheck
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    AmberDjyogertSickayduhBlack__ElvisSamePageDifDaySpanishFlightmassagebynoelBaeBitch1SilverBadger
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

Gay for tacos. Even gayer for dudes who bring me tacos.