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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No, you hang up"
    No, you hang up.
    "No you hang up"

    *slams phone*

    Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

    • 295
    • FAVS
    _Ms_Moneypenny_alpharetweetcloudypianospolychromatikthejessbessjamilskie1jumpdasharkPusInBoots6
    • 175
    • RETWEETS
    HashtagKelsibrooke_ford5caitlinmedearisSarcasticMoosekoalaslamentfartacheazrilxxlydiasmartxns
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *wraps cat in plastic wrap*

    *pokes out nose holes*

    No Ebola for you, kitty.

    • 191
    • FAVS
    Kevinctyler2ZoePermafrostdaemonic3abtherockstar87Lobby_RaylouiseinwordsDurtMcHurttiMikosnyc
    • 109
    • RETWEETS
    ZoePermafrostAdeenaaaashelbyalmegardDurtMcHurttdivadilemmazrichardholywoodirracpsycheeAdar79Angie
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My anaconda don't want buns because he's off carbs, son.

    • 166
    • FAVS
    farleftcoastRyantraildogsTenthGenerationari_goldsteinBoleyngirlyOLDIRTYDIAPERJustCallMeFrankchrisjbuffy
    • 85
    • RETWEETS
    ari_goldsteinBoleyngirlyKevinctyler2BasilioTonimsYankeeTexanJSLauderdalethistletat13Big_Dawg___
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Neat! The Google Earth image of Detroit has a chalk outline drawn around it.

    • 115
    • FAVS
    zaraleascottioJaySusHChristA_Bit_Too_Rudelife_of_TESSALuvPugAmbeyBambyBoobzillazquietlybiased
    • 58
    • RETWEETS
    andyzoricBoobzillazquietlybiasedMrDelFreakykleliasilvathorericpaulRonbosteelerUnFitz
    Kevinctyler2iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A positive attitude at work will get you through the day.

    Drinking gin in the bathroom also works.

    • 65
    • FAVS
    iMikosnyctobulistDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockJimboleemEndhooSHans_BrixxMaddyBaylor
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    lostbrunetteMarielaS24SilverBadgerTheMongoose69MCKMDPemoneyisemazingcarmenalexis24mkxo_
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Never trust a psychic with a bad haircut.

    • 68
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyTDeeRocknathantonyethejessbessKizerBillhelmlllvvvzzziMikosnycBobHellerTees
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzKhaleddAhmedHotlinkStrahotaUnlucky_Ninja_ashpuprockinAuntieJshwebby3Black__Elvis
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Twitter is great if you have a few minutes or years to kill.

    • 56
    • FAVS
    lucyandgDanKCharnleyphenabolisJhalla71translucentme_MessengerofdogHi_I_DontCare__latte_drama
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    RisuJanhavithenickideephenabolistranslucentme_irakarnikh_tejaslatte_dramabrownbrumby
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *flips through hundreds of pictures of terrified children*

    Very impressive resume. Welcome to clown college!

    • 59
    • FAVS
    iMikosnycSheDoneGoodclindsayswayDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockwingsimpliedWalkThisJaiDadandBuried
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    SheDoneGoodclindsayswaywingsimpliedSamePageDifDayPer_IncuriamSkullfuckTEliHansenMusickillazilla
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    All my friends are buying homes and starting families and I just went to the Coinstar machine because I needed toilet paper money.

    • 67
    • FAVS
    Kevinctyler2DanKCharnley3rdWaveHopefulJust_Lee_grammar_cuntmichelleleamy73drearydougSladeBleu
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    Kevinctyler2osigatBeamishBoiIAmTheCrewTateRyannTitansHomerTeejayRushpureinpurple
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I would gladly risk potential Ebola exposure if it meant 21 days away from everyone I know.

    • 59
    • FAVS
    bittersuess44DanKCharnleyMattMcGruffCanadaPandaMihawkBloodcaptaincoximusForKevinSakesling_words
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    ForKevinSakesling_wordsOneSmartFellowmisselizabeth22miaalejandraaTateRyannSpacePlanktonTitansHomer
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
    Me: You love me?
    Cop:
    Me:
    Cop:
    Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower?
    Cop: Yes.
    Me: *floors it*

    • 62
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleytobulistOneSmartFellowTitansHomerNikchaddTheEmmaLeDouxocean1blueTeejayRush
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    TeejayRushbllowitbytheObelle_kellerjaggedapeAlexLoveHillclindsayswaysymplSarahhjuliconforto
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Has anyone else noticed that everyone is stupid?

    • 56
    • FAVS
    milehighcreekJlofarsays419BillEOLDIRTYDIAPERDanKCharnleyC_Berry3000chels_ohDanHofer
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    419BillEOLDIRTYDIAPERcakeisimportantJohannablaisechagger73TalilaTweetsOffBrand83iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *bangs on ceiling with broom*

    I CAN'T HEAR YOU GUYS SCREWING!

    • 59
    • FAVS
    Str8GuyGayQuotebuckweiser13onelongbenderBHMaloneyHeyZeus666GoofyGeminihenscheckSteveSuckington
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    AmberDjyogertSickayduhBlack__ElvisSamePageDifDaySpanishFlightmassagebynoelBaeBitch1SilverBadger
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    When I said I wanted to bang you, I meant your head. Against a wall.

    • 54
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyFrenulumBreve_FromYesterdayCompocolypsemalsagirldavetrek42LethalAngelxtiReynard
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    Joanne_WurmjimmyfnjonesLethalAngelxladyjazsjunkRainbow_DreadAryaZamisDreadqueen_ENTeejayRush
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Say supposably one more time...

    *cocks gun*

    I dare you.

    • 55
    • FAVS
    beefman138greenleader77kyannakingbirdtwhiteazHuber138JulesC70minnie_in_pink7cee_cee
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    JulesC70minnie_in_pink7beccaberminghamoccipital1le_broskiBwanaChrisMellyRockOwlKevinctyler2
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    It's pretty weird that people below the equator have to hold onto trees to keep from falling off the planet.

    • 52
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyallisulliForKevinSakeJVarsityCaptaincarlykenzerodecorumbleustreakTheRolo
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    ForKevinSakeiunno11ravegrlproblemsTheRoloMarcheMDLiza_LC_bread_thingidktbhidc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I can go from zero to wildly inappropriate in six midgets gangbanging your grandma.

    • 54
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyOneSmartFellowlizelarsennPhelendriqalSuchaDumbWorldKimKardashsToepwohlviandriftJimboleem
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    OneSmartFellowSuchaDumbWorldhurleyjujimmyfnjonesmichelle_marieeGermFab1KizerBillhelmchagger73
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Watching me dance is a form of contraception.

    • 47
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyfubwatTRBLmakerJBSTeejayRushJimboleemleighbertchtreeCalvinThoabjackadabra
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    millybeesfubwatTRBLmakerJBSTeejayRushabjackadabraAnita_napchagger73WavyNick
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The guy on the train who constantly reads his bible scares me more than the guy that barks at his shoes.

    • 48
    • FAVS
    jki_amPieknaChaos_FromYesterdaymoodtoothyogaknifefightTeejayRushonelongbenderhkphan
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    chucker0317PieknaChaosmoodtoothjimmyfnjonesyogaknifefightTeejayRushJaeMar68WarrantedThings
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I bet God is punishing us with Ebola because he's pissed about Beyoncé's bangs too.

    • 48
    • FAVS
    Kevinctyler2GoddamnDelightDanKCharnleyTheMichaelRockObscureGentElskaLiamHenry_3kusandamt
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    R33DUS_ONFIR3SamDeLancheheadstrong_girliheartguntsjctsmileyoneTheBeezNiezLord_JoJojhare420
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

Yes, it's me. My other account got ebola.