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Okay, we shall bug you no longer
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I tried to have sex stranding up once, but the watermelon just got to heavy to hold.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    mcwoodyMisanthroPonyMikeCanRant
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A recent study conducted by me has concluded that Raisin Bran is not fit for human consumption.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    surkinvalmcwoodyStr8GuyGayQuoteChuckyKatLongLiveJesseDogLovesWine
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    DogLovesWine
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Sorry I heckled you at your wedding.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    yourprettyscarsStr8GuyGayQuotedecarabas2SilverBadgerLongLiveJesseMYLITTLEHUGGLES
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    SilverBadger
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If there's one thing I can't stand, it's getting my legs cut off.

    • 10
    • FAVS
    kuceribfLongLiveJessestockejockStr8GuyGayQuoteCelebrityChezthefakeshenryWetzelGeekgrammar_cunt
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    LongLiveJessecatmarstruAxholetheGreat
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Some people do the sniff test to see if they can get another wear out of an article of clothing.

    I do the blacklight test.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    GinAndJifLongLiveJesseNotHumanApparelstockejockStormyy3Str8GuyGayQuoteMihawkBloodjsegal44236
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    LongLiveJesseOneSmartFellowAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Check one:

    ◻ Single
    ◻ In a relationship
    ◻ Married
    ✅ Constructing a rubber band ball

    • 28
    • FAVS
    Gnosceresporeguyaelevatylerdaimonic0kenziecrew8toomanytoesCursitivityrichbird4
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    GnoscereJoSantistebankenziecrew8toomanytoesGinAndJifLongLiveJessecatmarstrueyeviin
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "I'll have a # 9 with a large chocolate milkshake, a 20 piece order of Chicken McNuggets, 2 apple pies, and a McInsulin Shot to go, please."

    • 8
    • FAVS
    LongLiveJesseAdar79AngiemcwoodySilverBadgerJay_FrickinLynnobaewan_kenobaetashareneedJaySusHChrist
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    LongLiveJesseSilverBadgerJay_FrickinLynn
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Buzzed driving is drunk driving, even if you're driving a power wheel.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    Adar79AngiethedailymarkerStr8GuyGayQuotesurkinvalEVO3taloniMikosnycMYLITTLEHUGGLESTheReal_AndyMac
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    EVO3talonAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'd be happier about the Supreme Court marriage equality decision, but the closest thing I have to a man in my life is the pizza deliver guy

    • 13
    • FAVS
    LongLiveJesseAdar79Angienathantonyekr27734benbobsenjohngayseeJaySusHChristmattysmalls
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    LongLiveJesserausantaellajohngayseeevofck
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    When people pray the gay away, it goes directly into Richard Simmons' hair.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    TERA_BELMeredvthJarrrryBabyNoticablyBaconAdar79AngiemadrigroberDanDoofustotaledBhole
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Adar79AngiemadrigrobertotaledBholeAxholetheGreatmilehighcreekJWesWilliamsAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Game of Thrones is basically Dungeons & Dragons after it went through puberty.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    Adar79AngietiReynardmadrigroberMelvinofYorkDanDoofusyourprettyscarsLouis_EstelarBeardedManFace
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardmadrigroberDanDoofusBeardedManFaceKathyShumacJWesWilliamsKizerBillhelm
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If we were all allowed to punch one person in the face per year without any repercussions, the world would be a much better place.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    stacywawa1Adar79AngieDownFrontArtistmadrigroberJaySusHChristSpaziotwatSkess203HeyImDOMination
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberJaySusHChristJWesWilliamsLoveNLunchmeat
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Yeah, I'll have the PB&J. Hold the P. Thanks.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    Adar79Angieblood_orphanSpaziotwatyourprettyscarsStr8GuyGayQuoteLonnellinenMidnightReis
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Spaziotwat
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If you feed a mogwai teddy bears after midnight, it'll turn into an ewok.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    Adar79AngiemadrigroberyourprettyscarscheprinjohngayseeShoutingGoddessobaewan_kenobae
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    madrigroberjohngaysee
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'm crazy, but only a little bit.

    I guess I'm a so-so-ciopath.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    Adar79AngieMelvinofYorkmaya_dancerDanDoofusSpaziotwatjohngayseespiceweasel42ShoutingGoddess
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    DanDoofus
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My roommate asked me to watch her baby for 15 minutes.

    It was the most terrifying 15 minutes of my life and the baby wasn't even awake.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    Adar79AngiecheprinjohngayseePame_Buchananobaewan_kenobaeVerifiedDrunkinnocent_bitch_teresalee54
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    johngayseeJWesWilliams
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Why don't doctors just give depressed people bacon and kites? Have you ever seen a sad person eating bacon while flying a kite?

    • 16
    • FAVS
    Adar79AngieSpaziotwatjojomon43CooperCraigMjohngayseeJenn_RN23Pame_Buchanansyfqhshujairi
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    jojomon43johngayseeJWesWilliams
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I once lectured a friend about being a responsible person while I was peeing on a cat.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    Adar79AngieDanDoofuswytonwytSpaziotwatjohngayseeobaewan_kenobaeDamn_its_Seanpepitosfriend
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    wytonwyt
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    You are aware that Jesus can see you wearing those Crocs, right? OK, good talk.

    • 14
    • FAVS
    TERA_BELJarrrryBabyTheFameMichaelAdar79AngieRadiothermalSpaziotwatjohngayseeCharBS_N
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    Adar79AngieRadiothermalVampy_RNStat__MurseJWesWilliamsmalcomkatsLoveYoorFateAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    There's one stick figure on the back window of my car, crying in the shower.

    • 126
    • FAVS
    stalkinghandsFreakyPenHreAmngthDed33madmadhattingMockingCher_20caseytduncanMoneypennyNakedrdm_guy
    • 63
    • RETWEETS
    stalkinghandsFreakyPenmadmadhattingcaseytduncanzecacheTERA_BELcoolandbreezeymusculardog
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.

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