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Sometimes I stand on the front lawn and do sexy poses for the garbage man.
*writes my own number on bathroom stall*
I'd probably get laid more if I didn't have separation anxiety and have to hold my cat 24/7.
Have you ever noticed how I don't get laid enough?
I only go to work because alcohol costs money.
Does anyone else find it weird that the guys from Toto knew so many dudes in Africa named Wayne.
The first guy to ever eat an oyster probably lost a bet.
You have a constitutional right to practice religion, not inflict it.
The only intellectual property I own is an idea for underwear made out of Legos.
Does deep vain thrombosis sound like a sex move to anyone else?
Stop cleaning your house, call it performance art, and charge admission.
[How to flirt]
Step 1: Stare
Step 2: Stare
Step 3: Stare
Step 4: Stare
Step 5: Stare
Step 6: Stare
Step 7: Stare
Step 8: Stare
Her: [text] I'm in the Buick.
Me: *crawls into whale carcass*
Her: [text] Across the street...
Me: *pokes head out of blowhole* Oh, nice.
*walks in slow-mo away from toaster fire*
I came out of a bathroom stall at work licking Nutella off my fingers and one guy puked.
I hired a life coach and he took one look at my frosted tips and said he couldn't help.
I'd settle for lukewarm singles in my area.
I tried to follow my dreams, but I can't outrun a taco truck.
Judi Dench has a penis, right?
-Me to anything that isn't me sleeping.
I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.
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