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Mom says I have to wear this paper bag over my head because I'm TOO handsome.
These workout DVDs aren't helping me lose any weight and they taste terrible.
My high school guidance counselor told me I couldn't be a knight, but this roll of aluminum foil and duct tape beg to differ.
I thought we were supposed to get spring fever, not spring frostbite.
I poured chicken soup into my eyes because they're the windows to the soul. Now I have no soup and I'm blind.
I just want someone who gets me.
Is it gas or something more sinister? Could YOUR butthole be haunted?
The truth may shock you.
Details at eleven.
I express most of my emotions through karate chops.
You there, gentleman with the bangs.
Fucking stop it.
Dating must've been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.
Pro tip: Avoid embarrassing tan lines by becoming a hopeless shut-in.
*stumbles into room* You should see the other guy, he looks great. I've gotta stop picking fights with supermodel ninjas.
I don't know a lot about how lady parts work. Do the tampons repel bears...?
One of you is gonna have to give my mother a grandchild or she's gonna stop paying my cellphone bill.
The only thing I learned in gym class that I can still do is dangle from a rope one foot of the ground.
Do drunk selfies I forgot taking count as time lapse photography?
Weight loss tip: Put less stuff in your mouth.
I've gotta keep it together.
You don't know true horror until you've had the realization that the bath toy you were squirting in your mouth as a child was your mother's used douche.