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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *cat plays in empty box*
    Stupid cat...

    *sees an empty roll of wrapping paper*
    OMG, IT'S A LIGHTSABER!

    • 13
    • FAVS
    thongbeardTRBLmakerJBSmadcameljockeyTwisted_MettleJay_FrickinLynnStr8GuyGayQuoteJaySusHChristWetzelGeek
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    dpres87MrLondeiJay_FrickinLynnAaronFokintherAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
     
    Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Um, HELLO. I've seen the Goblet of Fire, like, a gazillion times.

    @bob_heller

    • 2
    • FAVS
    Str8GuyGayQuoteBob_Heller
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Will a mosquito just explode if it bites a boner?

    • 10
    • FAVS
    IzzyIlluminatesTurtlebawssJay_FrickinLynnTwisted_MettleStr8GuyGayQuoteXGroverXdrgreenthumbs13wickedimproper
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    TurtlebawssJay_FrickinLynnwickedimproperAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    How do jellyfish boners work?

    • 7
    • FAVS
    IzzyIlluminatesJay_FrickinLynnJaySusHChristgrammar_cuntstephanieeemcdDaddyJewAvatar_unknown_48
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Jay_FrickinLynnSteveMcQueef
  • shkeeber
     
    Shkeeber @shkeeber

    All the ones I've ever sat in were set to swamp ass.

    @clindsaysway

    • 1
    • FAV
    clindsaysway
  • shkeeber
     
    Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Can dragons light cigarettes with their dicks? This is a time sensitive question.

    Please hurry.

    @bob_heller

    • 7
    • FAVS
    nicfit75Jay_FrickinLynnBleex727_Ms_Moneypenny_BeamishBoiBob_HellerAvatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Bob_Heller
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Booping an cop's nose after being pulled over for speeding will not get you out of a ticket. Even if you make the boop noise and everything.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    IzzyIlluminatesHeidiGolightlyTurtlebawssJay_FrickinLynnStr8GuyGayQuoteJaySusHChristJasonRewaldAvatar_unknown_48
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Jay_FrickinLynnmgabe112JasonRewald
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If you rub a gay man's belly, a genie will pop out of his butt and fix three of your outfits.

    • 28
    • FAVS
    vivalacrapGarthLeverKimKardashsToeBucketEsalamingiathe_magic_mfuckasiernormancallme
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    japoyysalvadorBucketETwisted_MettleDignifiedPurityReimon_desuSenorTreesB0nrMunkymfelissimo
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *carts on elevator*

    I'm INSIDE you now.

    *maniacally laughs*

    • 3
    • FAVS
    iMikosnycSonOfChaWetzelGeek
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    "Next person in line"
    Hi.
    "Welcome to the DMV"
    *sprays mace*
    OH GOD, WHHHYYYY?
    "Next person in line"

    • 6
    • FAVS
    SquareKnightChief_ErlWetzelGeekTwisted_MettleCpez38farleftcoast
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Cpez38
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [at the pet store]
    Do you sell minions?
    No.

    *awkward silence*

    *slides a twenty across the counter*
    Right this way, sir.

    • 28
    • FAVS
    MattMcGruffcaptaincoximusTheGrimKingarrisnyteJay_FrickinLynnJohannJonesBlehToxicProbablylyrehcann
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    UnicornsH8brosTheGrimKingJay_FrickinLynncrazy_M0nyLiterotica_comKizerBillhelmSnehaNaiduAmishPornStar1
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I love the way alcohol makes me feel... nothing.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    iMikosnycTheGrimKingJaySusHChristKizerBillhelmtorramiStr8GuyGayQuoteStormyy3Jay_FrickinLynn
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    TheGrimKingStormyy3Jay_FrickinLynnAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Looking for hot singles in my erea to do my laundry and leave me alone.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    iMikosnycJaySusHChristMexicanGunShowJSLauderdaletruismrmejfreakinsJay_FrickinLynnKizerBillhelm
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    JSLauderdalejfreakinsJay_FrickinLynnTOTODUVALDIVAStr8GuyGayQuote
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *runs up flight of stairs*

    *becomes nauseated\pukes*

    *adds crossfit to dating profile*

    • 17
    • FAVS
    normancallmeiMikosnycJaySusHChristMaggieKolconJSLauderdalePure_ClinthuntigulaStr8GuyGayQuote
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    JSLauderdaleJay_FrickinLynnclindsaysway
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A lot of people don't know this, but the United States Constitution was signed with aerosol cheese.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    normancallmeiMikosnycJay_FrickinLynnStr8GuyGayQuoteCanadaPandaJaySusHChristDurtMcHurttEVO3talon
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    normancallmeJay_FrickinLynn
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    It's incredible. Ever single person in my office is a meteorological expert this morning.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    Heartbrokenpambitter_monkeyJaneBadalliMikosnycJSLauderdaleMiddleageMMind_fukkJay_FrickinLynn
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    bitter_monkeyiMikosnycJSLauderdaleMind_fukkJay_FrickinLynnbreadi69Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    All I really want out of life is to see someone get struck by lightning while using a selfie stick.

    • 115
    • FAVS
    assiawiehtashleycremIvsy01junnekespagewiamwiamwiamjumpspursShelby_Bushnellwimroosens
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    wimroosenswiamwiamwiamShelby_Bushnellcdn_cowgirl534MelkMuyllenormancallmeBurritoTuxedobrette2001
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I sent my cat to work in my place last week.

    Nobody noticed.

    He got a raise.

    He pays the rent now.

    *poops in giant litter box*

    *sobs*

    • 23
    • FAVS
    iMikosnycmlleghoulBamDebikinsJay_FrickinLynnkatie_1002Str8GuyGayQuoteHeyImDOMinationNAMAJAMA41
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    jespeygirlJay_FrickinLynnCamCollier00pretzelhumperhuntigula
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Hello, drug dealer.
    *speaks into into chest microphone*
    Do-you-have-any-illegal-drugs-to-sell?
    *pauses*
    Could you speak into my left nipple?

    • 9
    • FAVS
    BamDebikinsGre_GoneJay_FrickinLynnStr8GuyGayQuotehuntigulaDurtMcHurttJaySusHChristCanadianCyn
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Jay_FrickinLynn
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I'll hold grudges and tacos, but not babies.