Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Sorry I Photoshoped myself into your ultrasound.
Crazy glue a cat to the back of your head for an instant mullet.
I'm not going to stop burning my bridges and start pushing people of of them instead.
Has anyone else noticed that everyone is stupid?
It must be terrible to watch your child slowly turn into a drug addict.
Or a mime.
If you can walk around the mall, shopping for five hours straight, then I don't believe you really need that handicapped parking permit.
I want a Facebook status in the streets and a tweet in the sheets.
Let's make this host a home.
I have a medical condition that prevents me from eating kale chips. I believe it's called "having taste buds".
Are pit bulls really dangerous? We're here at the local dog poun-
*reporter gets mauled by pit bull*
I'm here for the band audition. I've prepared a solo.
[40 minutes later]
That was- interesting. We'll call you if we need a kazoo player.
Are you nachos?
No? Go away.
Me: Do you take Apple Pay?
OMG, I can't get rid of this flue!
*gets walked in on popping balloons with bare ass on web cam*
Mom: OMG, what are you doing?!
Me: Paying for college *balloon pop* GET OUT!
I've already picked out all my outfits for the zombie apocalypse. Just in case.
The last woman I was inside was the Statue of Liberty.
I don't mind screamers in the bedroom.
I just wish they weren't always running away while they did it.
*pulls away from kissing*
*wipes lips gloss off bathroom mirror*
*leaves Taco Bell*
Welcome to Florida! Here's your complimentary Lamp shade hat and unitard.