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No, YOU'RE an adult.
Doctor What is my favorite show, I love Benadryl Crimplebutt!
-Me attempting to sound cultured
I ate a piece of cheese while having sex and it tore a hole in the spacetime continuum, allowing me to watch myself have sex and eat cheese.
Live long: Check
Beam him up, Scotty.
Who cares about the color of the dress? THERE ARE MAN EATING LLAMAS ON THE LOOSE! Get your priorities together, people.
I'm 35 years old and I just got trapped in my t-shirt while trying to take it off. I'm still single just in case anyone was wondering.
Me: Help! I broke my leg falling down the stairs. I'm bleeding!
Mom: Just a minute, sweetie. There's llamas on the TV.
Me: *passes out*
I know jet lag is a thing, but what about Chipotle lag? Seriously, because it takes me a few days to recuperate after one of those burritos.
I have a hard time trusting people who are alive.
I have visible abs if you have an X-ray machine.
Having a beard doesn't make you rugged.
Trimming it with a live piranha does.
Hey, science. 60" HD Tacos. Get on it.
New rule: If you post pictures of your feet on a warm sunny beach while I'm experiencing a subarctic winter, I get to cut off your feet.
"You're not a real doctor!"
Please. Calm. Down.
"No, YOU calm down and check for them!"
Sir, Mid-Chlorians aren't real.
Walking Dead fans:
Ginger G.I. Joe banging Selena while Rain man watched? Fuck yeah!
Innocent non-creepy gay kiss? *grabs pitchforks*
Are we 100% sure that Nick Nolte isn't just strolling around in a John Travolta mask?
I bet John Travolta even creeps out Nick Nolte.
I can't believe I've wasted 35 years of my life not shitting in birdbaths.
I honestly never thought I would fall in love, but here I am at Chipotle for the third time today.
I'll hold grudges and tacos, but not babies.
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