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This Minions meme with vague observations about life is hilarious. I think I'll post it on Facebook.
-My Mom. 8 thousand times a day.
I looked behind the curtain in the book store into the adult section and there were two dudes doing each other's taxes. It was super gross.
My after sex glow is just the screen saver.
Do medium sodas kmow when they're going to be ordered at restaurants?
Half the time I know what's going on and half the time I don't and most of the time I can't tell which is worse.
A zombie apocalypse sounds cool until you realize the people that know how to make bacon are probably all dead.
[Typing this tweet]
Boss: Are you tweeting again? You're fired.
Me: Shit. *sends tweet*
If one of you is my dad, please come back. I'm 35 and don't know how to properly shave.
When women take female Viagra it makes all men look like chocolate bars and backrubs.
I pixelate my crotch in all my dating apps photos to appear more risqué and less like a guy who always has his cat in his lap.
*eats 1 grape*
*eats 2 more*
*eats 4 more*
*doesn't get caught*
*hides watermelon under shirt*
If elected your president, I vow to get rid of all door gaps in public restrooms across this great country!
*wins by a landslide*
I wish people treated parents that bring their babies to movie theaters the same way they treated parents that leave babies in hot cars.
I left work and began vacation 9 days ago, but here I am five minutes later, on my way back to work. I have apparently mastered time travel.
Only bill collectors and serial killers leave voicemail messages.
Hi, I can't answer the phone right now... or EVER. Seriously, why are calling people? You know everyone hates you, right?
About 2 years ago I was 23.
Now I'm 35.
Who decided to call them stepfathers instead of faux pas?
*slides photo of my cat in Gandalf cosplay across the table*
I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.
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