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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I really hope Brexit doesn't affect the release date of the new season of Black Mirror on Netflix.

    • 1
    • LIKE
    grammar_cunt
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    There was some sort of big sporting event last night and I'm not sure who won, but if it wasn't Gryffindor, I have zero no interest at all.

    • 4
    • LIKES
    WetzelGeekOneSmartFellowChelseyOwlSmithGulfCoastJake
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If you ever catch me saying that I'm "#team" anything, please euthanize me immediately. Thank you.

    • 17
    • LIKES
    anv_pauljohngayseeCanadaPandaOneSmartFellowTrumpOnAHilleluppercutpffeffernickleadamgently
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    pffeffernickleKizerBillhelmjessejpradohanel_jBoxingJokesTitansHomerGreen
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I really hope I die karate kicking a shark.

    • 8
    • LIKES
    rocio6824149612johngayseeKizerBillhelmBlairLoudlyRandiii__BoozieEyedJoegrammar_cuntStr8GuyGayQuote
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    johngaysee
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The most romantic think a guy can do nowadays is not text you an unsolicited dick pic 5 minutes after getting your number.

    • 6
    • LIKES
    collee_nzrjohngayseeKizerBillhelmgrammar_cuntlycamacho1970Midgetspar
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I think maybe the ape you should all be a bit more outraged about is the orange-haired orangutan that's got his eyes set on the White House.

    • 15
    • LIKES
    Sarah_Smile09avq_ericjohngayseeCelebrityChezImrhianaYesSTEPHinitelyglamerizemeadamcharbelKamal
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    johngayseekellyblackkYesSTEPHinitelyKizerBillhelmpffeffernickle
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Office thermostats have two settings: Hell and Hoth.

    • 3
    • LIKES
    allen_eupjohngayseeKizerBillhelm
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Knock knock

    Who's They're?

    The grammar Nazis!

    *Gun shots*

    • 10
    • LIKES
    JokerTF390bkrokkiterdeltideidra280246462johngayseeLosLos__Bob_HellerKizerBillhelm
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    quixotehamletMarcyHooljohngayseeLosLos__KizerBillhelm
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I got an Ikea catalogue in the mail and it took me an hour to put it together.

    • 13
    • LIKES
    td_scarletHunnerWoofnypdlizDr_powpowjohngayseeDrawdeMagicalseattlegupAdar79Angie
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    nypdlizDr_powpowjohngayseePrescribed_NapsBlairLoudlyFcknMendoza
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

    Me: I ATE A KFC BOWL!

    Operator: *faints*

    • 5
    • LIKES
    maria_hlwKizerBillhelmJaySusHChristDaddyJewPurple
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    lynnet_martin
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Bank teller: Hi, how may I help you today?

    Me: I'd like to open a retirement account. *dumps bag of Beanie Babies and Pogs on the counter*

    • 5
    • LIKES
    rosean_nejohngayseeKizerBillhelmJaySusHChristOneSmartFellow
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    johngaysee
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Remember when I used to tweet?

    • 6
    • LIKES
    bridgett_ednBlairLoudlyjohngayseeKizerBillhelmJaySusHChristTheGrimKing
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    TheGrimKing
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A gym is a place where one can pay a monthly fee to ineptly dangle off various machines while being judged by strangers.

    • 9
    • LIKES
    CelebrityChezShoutingGoddess20eyeDocsAdar79AngiejohngayseeKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKing
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    arin_malcomjohngayseeTheGrimKing
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'd pay good money to listen to James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman having phone sex.

    • 11
    • LIKES
    lafleenMiss_Firefly_DoneEffedUpjohngayseeKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingphonesexop
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    AristocratsFilmMiss_Firefly_johngayseeKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingiambobbywimothyjoseph
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *goes to the emergency room holding my own severed a arm*

    *has to wait for twenty minutes behind a lady buying lotto tickets*

    • 11
    • LIKES
    20eyeDocsAnothrGayJustinjohngayseeKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingxosmGeorgeSpeilbach__
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    AnothrGayJustinjohngayseeTheGrimKinglynnet_martinFruit_Slinger
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Valentines day is THIS Sunday? I didn't even know... That reminds me, I need to buy cat food.

    • 10
    • LIKES
    johngayseeTheGrimKingxosmAdar79AngieDurtMcHurttlftc86TenthGenerationJaySusHChrist
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    TrickleVaryTea
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [Personal ad]

    I'm 36 years old. Looking for new friends, not new to the area, I just hate everyone I know. Looking to make new connections.

    • 16
    • LIKES
    em_claudettjayrod1283KizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingxosmAdar79AngieDurtMcHurtt
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    johngayseeJelloPuddTheGrimKingOneSmartFellowStormyy3
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [on a date]

    Brain: OMG I'm dying of boredom.
    Penis: I know, but check out that body!
    Heart: Can we go get some cheese?

    • 13
    • LIKES
    KizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingxosmAdar79AngieDurtMcHurttAlibikinFEGSXHTravLeBlanc
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    JamilaHanaganMichiganManuelTheGrimKingjohngayseeGulfCoastJake
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'll post a Friends Day video when Facebook makes one of me eating various cheeses alone in bed.

    • 8
    • LIKES
    MichiganManuelTheGrimKingAdar79AngieDurtMcHurttMetabikinYRXZLUjohngayseeGulfCoastJakeTitansHomer
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    johngayseeMichiganManuelTheGrimKing
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If you replace the first stage of grief with vodka, you don't need the last four.

    • 21
    • LIKES
    itsalexcoutureJulieSnarkDJstewartwhoBarryCrainKizerBillhelmMichiganManuellorigonzalez28JelloPudd
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    KizerBillhelmartbyjohn_jgjohngayseeTheGrimKingthesaxnessaudri_em

Shkeeber’s Newest Tweets

@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.

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