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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I don't collect Pokémon. I collect Tasty videos, like an adult.

    • 1
    • LIKE
    KizerBillhelm
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I hate it when I'm just about to leave the house to go work out, but something good comes on TV and I don't make it to the gym for 10 years.

    • 7
    • LIKES
    SpecialFX10NamelessJonesyitsjustolmosBrianForDummiesKizerBillhelmgrammar_cuntanalwinehouse
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    KizerBillhelmanalwinehouse
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Science is the ultimate religion.

    • 3
    • LIKES
    grammar_cuntpffeffernickleSkullcat
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Know what you can't find with the Pokémon Go app?

    A sex life.

    • 3
    • LIKES
    HeyImDOMinationLancelottMusicmhcreek
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Pretty soon it will just be easier for newscasters to read a list of names of people who haven't been shot in America.

    • 12
    • LIKES
    KizerBillhelmllvvzzB1gBrainsMcGeeRobcole2508Roblftc86JimmieGOATFeatheredFreyjaugafan33
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    jefferiahKizerBillhelmFeatheredFreyjaTimbodeenieugafan33B00K0WLnoyoureagiraffeJWowzzers
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I really hope Brexit doesn't affect the release date of the new season of Black Mirror on Netflix.

    • 1
    • LIKE
    grammar_cunt
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    There was some sort of big sporting event last night and I'm not sure who won, but if it wasn't Gryffindor, I have zero no interest at all.

    • 4
    • LIKES
    WetzelGeekOneSmartFellowChelseyOwlSmithGulfCoastJake
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If you ever catch me saying that I'm "#team" anything, please euthanize me immediately. Thank you.

    • 17
    • LIKES
    anv_paulanalwinehouseCanadaPandaOneSmartFellowTrumpOnAHilleluppercutpffeffernickleadamgently
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    pffeffernickleKizerBillhelmjessejpradohanel_jBoxingJokesTitansHomerPink
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I really hope I die karate kicking a shark.

    • 8
    • LIKES
    rocio6824149612analwinehouseKizerBillhelmBlairLoudlyRandiii__BoozieEyedJoegrammar_cuntStr8GuyGayQuote
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    analwinehouse
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The most romantic think a guy can do nowadays is not text you an unsolicited dick pic 5 minutes after getting your number.

    • 6
    • LIKES
    collee_nzranalwinehouseKizerBillhelmgrammar_cuntlycamacho1970Midgetspar
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I think maybe the ape you should all be a bit more outraged about is the orange-haired orangutan that's got his eyes set on the White House.

    • 15
    • LIKES
    Sarah_Smile09avq_ericanalwinehouseCelebrityChezImrhianaYesSTEPHinitelyglamerizemeadamcharbelKamal
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    analwinehousekellyblackkYesSTEPHinitelyKizerBillhelmpffeffernickle
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Office thermostats have two settings: Hell and Hoth.

    • 3
    • LIKES
    allen_eupanalwinehouseKizerBillhelm
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Knock knock

    Who's They're?

    The grammar Nazis!

    *Gun shots*

    • 11
    • LIKES
    cassierene24JokerTF390bkrokkiterdeltideidra280246462analwinehouseLosLos__Bob_Heller
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    ZephyrusTeacupquixotehamletMarcyHoolanalwinehouseLosLos__KizerBillhelm
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I got an Ikea catalogue in the mail and it took me an hour to put it together.

    • 13
    • LIKES
    td_scarletHunnerWoofnypdlizDr_powpowanalwinehouseDrawdeMagicalseattlegupAdar79Angie
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    nypdlizDr_powpowanalwinehousePrescribed_NapsBlairLoudlyFcknMendoza
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

    Me: I ATE A KFC BOWL!

    Operator: *faints*

    • 5
    • LIKES
    maria_hlwKizerBillhelmJaySusHChristDaddyJewYellow
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    lynnet_martin
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Bank teller: Hi, how may I help you today?

    Me: I'd like to open a retirement account. *dumps bag of Beanie Babies and Pogs on the counter*

    • 5
    • LIKES
    rosean_neanalwinehouseKizerBillhelmJaySusHChristOneSmartFellow
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    analwinehouse
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Remember when I used to tweet?

    • 6
    • LIKES
    bridgett_ednBlairLoudlyanalwinehouseKizerBillhelmJaySusHChristTheGrimKing
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    TheGrimKing
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A gym is a place where one can pay a monthly fee to ineptly dangle off various machines while being judged by strangers.

    • 9
    • LIKES
    CelebrityChezShoutingGoddess20eyeDocsAdar79AngieanalwinehouseKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKing
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    arin_malcomanalwinehouseTheGrimKing
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'd pay good money to listen to James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman having phone sex.

    • 11
    • LIKES
    lafleenMiss_Firefly_DoneEffedUpanalwinehouseKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingphonesexop
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    ZephyrusTeacupAristocratsFilmMiss_Firefly_analwinehouseKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingiambobby
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *goes to the emergency room holding my own severed a arm*

    *has to wait for twenty minutes behind a lady buying lotto tickets*

    • 11
    • LIKES
    20eyeDocsAnothrGayJustinanalwinehouseKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingxosmGeorgeSpeilbach__
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    AnothrGayJustinanalwinehouseTheGrimKinglynnet_martinFruit_Slinger

Shkeeber’s Newest Tweets

@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.

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