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I really hope Brexit doesn't affect the release date of the new season of Black Mirror on Netflix.
There was some sort of big sporting event last night and I'm not sure who won, but if it wasn't Gryffindor, I have zero no interest at all.
I really hope I die karate kicking a shark.
The most romantic think a guy can do nowadays is not text you an unsolicited dick pic 5 minutes after getting your number.
I think maybe the ape you should all be a bit more outraged about is the orange-haired orangutan that's got his eyes set on the White House.
Office thermostats have two settings: Hell and Hoth.
The grammar Nazis!
I got an Ikea catalogue in the mail and it took me an hour to put it together.
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Me: I ATE A KFC BOWL!
Bank teller: Hi, how may I help you today?
Me: I'd like to open a retirement account. *dumps bag of Beanie Babies and Pogs on the counter*
Remember when I used to tweet?
A gym is a place where one can pay a monthly fee to ineptly dangle off various machines while being judged by strangers.
I'd pay good money to listen to James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman having phone sex.
*goes to the emergency room holding my own severed a arm*
*has to wait for twenty minutes behind a lady buying lotto tickets*
Valentines day is THIS Sunday? I didn't even know... That reminds me, I need to buy cat food.
I'm 36 years old. Looking for new friends, not new to the area, I just hate everyone I know. Looking to make new connections.
[on a date]
Brain: OMG I'm dying of boredom.
Penis: I know, but check out that body!
Heart: Can we go get some cheese?
I'll post a Friends Day video when Facebook makes one of me eating various cheeses alone in bed.
If you replace the first stage of grief with vodka, you don't need the last four.
I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.
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