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I wish my bedroom was where the magic (Mike) happened.
If elected your next president, I will outlaw pants.
*wins by a landslide*
Haha! Fuck you, gravity.
One time I started a fire because I got the wrong toy in my Happy Meal.
What are your demands?
"Make Greg apologize for calling me poopie head"
"He's king of the poop heads! Burn!"
Host: What'll it be, door 1, 2 or 3?
Me: What's behind door 4?
Me: *hundreds of angry squirrels attack audience* Neat!
Me: *eats pancakes* Just like mom used to make.
Mom: I did make them.
Me: I HAVE NO MOTHER ANYMORE!
Mom: You still can't have an alligator.
How can they call it The Greatest Story Ever Told when there's not a single dragon in it?
I get laid far too infrequently for someone that's never played Dungeons and Dragons.
I'm not gay; I'm a confetti enthusiast.
The 80s was a really long saxophone solo.
I'm not interested in inner beauty.
I'm not a surgeon.
I've been writing a lot of erotic fan fiction about various delicious & promiscuous cheeses.
If a midget crawls into a giant's penis, would he shoot out like a cannonball when the giant ejaculates, or just be crushed by the erection?
It's incredibly what you can do when you or your mime to it.
Get back to work ya mute bastard!
I'm really a nice person if you never talk to me.
*shows psychiatrist a picture of my mom in a dolphin sweater* She has one with wolves too.
Dr: Beth, cancel all my appointments.
What skills can you bring to our organization that others can not?
"I once beat Minesweeper... on EXPERT"
*makes me CEO*
I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.
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