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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Sorry I Photoshoped myself into your ultrasound.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    AnitaHelmetAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Crazy glue a cat to the back of your head for an instant mullet.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    justKilieAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'm not going to stop burning my bridges and start pushing people of of them instead.

    • 1
    • FAV
    AnitaHelmet
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Has anyone else noticed that everyone is stupid?

    • 2
    • FAVS
    shwebby3Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    It must be terrible to watch your child slowly turn into a drug addict.

    Or a mime.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    tiReynardshwebby3Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If you can walk around the mall, shopping for five hours straight, then I don't believe you really need that handicapped parking permit.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    tiReynardAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I want a Facebook status in the streets and a tweet in the sheets.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    tiReynardvicynicalAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Let's make this host a home.

    -Parasite

    • 7
    • FAVS
    bjflopCpin42Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    dirtydishtowels
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I have a medical condition that prevents me from eating kale chips. I believe it's called "having taste buds".

    • 21
    • FAVS
    tiReynardMidgetsparimence2Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [news report]

    Are pit bulls really dangerous? We're here at the local dog poun-

    *reporter gets mauled by pit bull*

    • 2
    • FAVS
    imence2Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'm here for the band audition. I've prepared a solo.

    [40 minutes later]

    That was- interesting. We'll call you if we need a kazoo player.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    tiReynardAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Are you nachos?

    No? Go away.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    tiReynardAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: Do you take Apple Pay?

    Hooker: No.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    dirtydishtowelsshwebby3Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    OMG, I can't get rid of this flue!

    -Chimneys.

    • 14
    • FAVS
    tiReynardshwebby3Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    shwebby3Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *gets walked in on popping balloons with bare ass on web cam*

    Mom: OMG, what are you doing?!

    Me: Paying for college *balloon pop* GET OUT!

    • 8
    • FAVS
    SirCasioKL7000tiReynardAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    SirCasioKL7000tiReynardAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I've already picked out all my outfits for the zombie apocalypse. Just in case.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    tiReynardAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The last woman I was inside was the Statue of Liberty.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    tiReynardAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    tiReynard
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I don't mind screamers in the bedroom.

    I just wish they weren't always running away while they did it.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    tiReynardAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *pulls away from kissing*

    *wipes lips gloss off bathroom mirror*

    *leaves Taco Bell*

    • 8
    • FAVS
    tiReynardFrenulumBreveAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    tiReynard
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Welcome to Florida! Here's your complimentary Lamp shade hat and unitard.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    MarkBuckawickidxblarssonENGAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

Yes it's me. I lost my other account to ebola.