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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *opens feeling tab*

    *stops notifications*

    • 75
    • FAVS
    eroxorebeefybooyawnRhinoURISOremarkableMissTittesseemoose_chocolatejpeachyxxthistletat13
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    RhinoURmoose_chocolatethistletat13missekayGhetto_Trophytastyspiceastutenewfmariebraun00
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Three mysterious holes have opened up in Siberia. Scientists have yet to stick anything in the third hole because Siberia is a major prude.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtsACityMousehistwaddleMikiepooGhetto_TrophyMalikmofo1HappytwitJust_A_Guy72
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    EeahKaijuMalikmofoastutenewfpecove85Rick_IZZach_TeamThe_ONE_AdrianUnFitz
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I always eat a Mr Clean Magic Eraser before my yearly physical.

    • 51
    • FAVS
    histwaddleDannilynnAGhetto_Trophy1Happytwitastutenewfjane_botmcwoodyLin_Baker
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    MalikmofoastutenewfmcwoodyScarsFourEyeskaz474ToooShoeattsmcjayFatuousFloozy
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'm a super hero. My power is that I can be in two places at once! For instance, right now I'm in an office meeting AND I'm in hell.

    • 55
    • FAVS
    eroxoreGhetto_TrophymcwoodyxoaelTheRedoubtableThatDangIndiannormancallmeNinja_Soup_
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    non_scitumDrink_Wine_Samclemwinthistletat13GeauxSaints79ninortagabrielGamerwithnoGameJonMashiyane
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I own pairs of pants that I like more than 90% of the people I know.

    • 31
    • FAVS
    eroxoreGhetto_TrophymcwoodyTheRedoubtableThatDangIndianGayDeceiverNinja_Soup_meowsepink
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    argonautleaderElsyBeathStephieG20Blue_Collar_GuyyoungestneiltweetJill22
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    In Russia, they shoot at rainbows.

    • 51
    • FAVS
    eroxoremrSandmanSoCalGhetto_TrophyHeyZeus666sousa_thaliaaDeurb1ThatDangIndianToooShoe
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    mrSandmanSoCalDeurb1ToooShoeattsmcjaymaekuzcharliebrowncbihatethatmoreVolgarus
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: *sings into vibrator* I'm picking up good vibrations... Good good GOOD GOOD VIBRATIONS!
    Mom: DROP THAT! I TOLD YOU, STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!

    • 48
    • FAVS
    crymsonsaviorHeyZeus6661HappytwitdizzyidjitUnFitzlacrossemom5ProblyDrinkingstonedcognition
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    crymsonsaviorProblyDrinkingFallOutCityGhetto_Trophythemostbrian_justpa_FreakademicAdrianYoung10
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I bet zombie heaven is an all you can eat Jimmy Buffet.

    • 44
    • FAVS
    boobsareimpliedR10N1KGreGooglyMooglymeowsepinkISOremarkableCrazyTalkAlVenusRockHobbitThecatspajamas0
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    GreGooglyMooglyCrazyTalkAlVenusRockHobbitFoleyJEce_bearDurtMcHurttJamesHavocFresh_Coffey
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [at the golf course]
    Him: *swings* FORE!
    Me: SKIN!
    *awkward silence*
    Me: I should go.
    Him: Yeah.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    MissAdvent77normancallmemeowsepinkAndyPipitonePhoenixTears8cookiesnweedCopperheadSammiDurtMcHurtt
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    no1elselikecfcjmichali80infinityxO413vaughn623iAmDelFreakyJimmyStaxXxmagsaidwhatmrtruthandsoul
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    How often does Taylor Swift shed her exoskeleton?

    • 93
    • FAVS
    karmic9DaphneDoo_TeejayRushTheRealRHBCheetoBandito77LaFuzzyNoirtrypedWarriorFreckled
    • 47
    • RETWEETS
    DaphneDoo_TeejayRushCheetoBandito77trypedattsmcjayWarriorFreckledFatuousFloozyHitGirl516
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I tell every wealthy old man I meet that I love him, just in case one of 'em turns out to be my father.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    JD_BarneymeowsepinkDurtMcHurttToxicProbablyLets_ROB_a_bankiAmDelFreakyeveryday_wealthTheMeatSection
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    bigbrez100un1xphyscoyoungestneilShoutingGoddess
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Thank you for pointing out the typo in my tweet. I hope your cats don't eat you after you die.

    • 98
    • FAVS
    a_olivia4212sokyshipngreggoodman77missblissedoutYourComicMusePastorTicklesLMHPhotogtruegemini13
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    a_olivia4212sokyshipnAnaNannerzLMHPhotogtruegemini13DirtMcTurdtylersorrellsThatsMyBush
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *googles dignity*

    *quietly removes light-up Hannah Montana hat*

    • 61
    • FAVS
    DaphneDoo_ToxicProbablyCatherineLMKmeowsepinknot1ofyourfansdirtydishtowelsDurtMcHurttTeejayRush
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    not1ofyourfansTeejayRushdavid_tullMCaparcoHear4BeerJSLauderdaleDonnie___KingDarren_Miranda
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Earbubds: A devices one uses to listen to music while it removes bits of wax and hair from the ear canal.

    • 23
    • FAVS
    CatherineLMKmeowsepinkDurtMcHurttThatDangIndianBoutros_BoutrosJSLauderdalebigbrez100akramalikhan101
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    JSLauderdalemoseletsaneForeverHairy
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Before opening the internet browser on your phone to show your co-workers a funny cat video, be sure you've closed the Pornhub tab first.

    • 48
    • FAVS
    meowsepinkPhoenixTears8melinderblockDurtMcHurttThatDangIndianiwearaonesiePhillyALBerkmanJSLauderdale
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    steedsaysiwearaonesieauburnjasonJSLauderdalerussellallen80clindsayswaytagsandbootsdarthmizzark
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Oh, your country has free socialized healthcare?

    We have a wiener mobile.

    Check. Mate.

    • 46
    • FAVS
    ToxicProbablySJfromKCnormancallmemeowsepinknzthewordDurtMcHurttLets_ROB_a_bankTmoney68
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    normancallmekvcgrahambrocketxyzkaffafrineNinja_Soup_nephiedivinemadnessmisskelciefrank
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Start spreading your legs. I'm coming today.

    -Very frank Sinatra

    • 47
    • FAVS
    GayDeceiverattsmcjaymeowsepinkDurtMcHurttAmeiambigbrez100prettygoodyearHeyZeus666
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    Slave_4_UEdKerfei8htiesbabygoodtimenoelfuzzlimeitsjenwbitchesventivodkacranMirth_Quake
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I bought a GoPro camera, strapped it to my head, and took a nap.

    • 44
    • FAVS
    jiggynyeJD_BarneymeowsepinkyeahmaeliCheeseboy22VenusRockHobbitChristianPlantelaire
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    davislakeVenusRockHobbitDurtMcHurttPaigeRatajczakclsortmanBMoneymfpimpUnexpecteddadDadandBuried
    shwebby3
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    True or false?

    I just called someone a dick cramp.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    JD_Barneynormancallmemeowsepinkadisgracefulgoodtimenoelgrammar_cuntThatDangIndianKori_Okie
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    ThatDangIndiansheilalastnamemagsaidwhat
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    There's a real possibility that you'll never fall in love and get married. You could die alone.

    *blank stare*

    Oh sorry. Cat food, aisle 3.

    • 44
    • FAVS
    JD_BarneymeowsepinkiwearaonesieJSLauderdaleSeaGlass4Nicoleadisgracefulmrr1077dillhol
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    A_GlobalCitizenJSLauderdaleMcCaffreySarahKanaiyaKKdillholMaLadeVrMarvelchic828housepetzen
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

You don't know true horror until you've had the realization that the bath toy you were squirting in your mouth as a child was your mother's used douche.