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You never forget the one that got away.
Especially after they call the cops.
I did such disgusting things with a box of Thin Mints once that I can't even look a Girl Scout in the eyes when I buy their cookies anymore.
You're can stab people who ask you to take surveys in the mall and still get into heaven. Seriously. Go ahead. Do it.
Avoid awkward social situations by never leaving the house.
I'm excited about 3D printers because it'll make it 100% easier to make friends.
When I was a kid: "Don't talk to strangers"
Today: "Don't send strangers pictures of your genitals"
I have Twelve different personalities and not a single one will empty the dishwasher.
"You'll have to kill me. I'll never talk"
"Go to hell"
*puts Katy Perry in cd player*
Sometimes it's fun to tell a random stranger they have a spider in their hair and shoot video of the carnage that ensues.
To keep people from sitting next to me on the train I make eye contact with them and start to unzip my pants.
Sometimes it backfires...
Vaginas are just homophobic butt holes.
SPACE JAM SUCKS!
Ok OK OK, geez! We get it, Jennifer Lawrence. YOU'RE RELATABLE and REAL. Now please stop making stupid faces in public and be a grown up.
I avoid embarrassing panty lines by not wearing pants.
I've been fantasizing about the same guy for years. So, yeah, I'm monogamous.
Mom: *turns on tv*
Mom: What's wrong!
Me: Gross! There's a giant dick on the tv!
Mom: That's Kanye West.
Me: CHANGE IT!
Hey, people who feel passionate enough about a particular brand of cell phone enough to argue about it, what's it like to never get laid?
I'd exercise more if it got me drunk.
You don't know true horror until you've had the realization that the bath toy you were squirting in your mouth as a child was your mother's used douche.