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I tried to have sex stranding up once, but the watermelon just got to heavy to hold.
A recent study conducted by me has concluded that Raisin Bran is not fit for human consumption.
Sorry I heckled you at your wedding.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's getting my legs cut off.
Some people do the sniff test to see if they can get another wear out of an article of clothing.
I do the blacklight test.
◻ In a relationship
✅ Constructing a rubber band ball
"I'll have a # 9 with a large chocolate milkshake, a 20 piece order of Chicken McNuggets, 2 apple pies, and a McInsulin Shot to go, please."
Buzzed driving is drunk driving, even if you're driving a power wheel.
I'd be happier about the Supreme Court marriage equality decision, but the closest thing I have to a man in my life is the pizza deliver guy
When people pray the gay away, it goes directly into Richard Simmons' hair.
Game of Thrones is basically Dungeons & Dragons after it went through puberty.
If we were all allowed to punch one person in the face per year without any repercussions, the world would be a much better place.
Yeah, I'll have the PB&J. Hold the P. Thanks.
If you feed a mogwai teddy bears after midnight, it'll turn into an ewok.
I'm crazy, but only a little bit.
I guess I'm a so-so-ciopath.
My roommate asked me to watch her baby for 15 minutes.
It was the most terrifying 15 minutes of my life and the baby wasn't even awake.
Why don't doctors just give depressed people bacon and kites? Have you ever seen a sad person eating bacon while flying a kite?
I once lectured a friend about being a responsible person while I was peeing on a cat.
You are aware that Jesus can see you wearing those Crocs, right? OK, good talk.
There's one stick figure on the back window of my car, crying in the shower.
I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.
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