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My fifteen minutes of fame started when I got my penis stuck in a neighbor's garden gnome.
*points* FEELINGS! QUICK, BURN THEM BEFORE THEY ESCAPE!
Kids aren't kids anymore and it's really scary.
How awesome would it be if people had tear gas ducts?
Watching me dance is a form of contraception.
I love how the guys who couldn't even be bothered to give me the time of day ten years ago have aged badly and all want to be best buds now.
Having dinner with my mother tomorrow evening. What wine pairs best with regret and crippling disappointment in your eldest son?
I can go from zero to wildly inappropriate in six midgets gangbanging your grandma.
I'm going to stop burning my bridges and start pushing people off of them instead.
I had chocolate for breakfast. My life is better than yours.
I'm sorry I drew a dick on your baby's forehead, but he did fall asleep at his own baptism.
The thing I'm enjoying most about my new account is that 20,000 followers don't even care that I vanished.
Never trust a psychic with a bad haircut.
Sorry I Photoshoped myself into your ultrasound.
My resume is a picture of me playing the tuba with my butthole.
Crazy glue a cat to the back of your head for an instant mullet.
Renee Zellweger fixed her eyes so she could her a better look at all you haters.
We go way back.
I'm not going to stop burning my bridges and start pushing people of of them instead.