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On my Facebook page under the Basic Contact Info section, it just says "don't".
♪♪♪I Don't have much money but boy if I did I'd buy a big house and barricade myself inside because people are the worst ♪♪♪
*scrolls down to your first Instagram photo*
"Can I sniff your hair?"
Everything the light touches is our kingdom...
-Me at the dollar store
I always give 100% when it comes to slacking off.
Do you like bad boys? I ate a Cheeto that I found under a couch, and it wasn't even my couch.
Need time to yourself? Say "placenta" repeatedly, starting quietly and building to a shout until you are alone. This takes about 19 seconds.
Me: It's like a Blues Traveler concert in my underwear whenever I eat beans. *sobs*
Doctor: *examining X-ray of a harmonica inside my butt*
People really pay attention to what you have to say when you start using sock puppets at office meetings.
It's pretty cool that Kyle XY is the prime minister of Canada now.
*googles Justin Trudeau*
I'm suddenly very interested in Canadian politicians.
Oooohhh, one of your tweets was featured in a Buzzfeed article, you say. What tropical island paradise will you be retiring to?
Sorry I tried a YouTube zombie how-to make up video on your baby, but c'mon, you have to admit that this is definitely an improvement.
Sexually, I identify as a wuzzle.
[Returning home after a long trip]
Dog: OMG I MISSED YOU SOO MUCH!!!
Cat: *pukes on carpet and walks away*
I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.
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