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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I wish my bedroom was where the magic (Mike) happened.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    SleazySliBoobzillaznPhelendriqal
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Boobzillazsuhoplechevgri
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If elected your next president, I will outlaw pants.

    *wins by a landslide*

    • 3
    • FAVS
    Boobzillazmcwoodydavetrek42
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    surkinval
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Haha! Fuck you, gravity.

    -Clouds

    • 10
    • FAVS
    johngayseepunmagnateSirrruhKyleErfOphelia10101thejamietigheLongLiveJesseBoredomDaily
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    rikkiskyxo_screwballSirrruhJosephAimsLongLiveJesseBoredomDailysurkinval
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    One time I started a fire because I got the wrong toy in my Happy Meal.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    milehighcreekWetzelGeek
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    shpitalev
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [hostage situation]
    What are your demands?
    "Make Greg apologize for calling me poopie head"
    Who's Greg?
    "He's king of the poop heads! Burn!"

    • 3
    • FAVS
    punmagnateJWesWilliamsWetzelGeek
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    suhoplechevgri
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [game show]
    Host: What'll it be, door 1, 2 or 3?
    Me: What's behind door 4?
    Host: NO!
    Me: *hundreds of angry squirrels attack audience* Neat!

    • 4
    • FAVS
    davetrek42mcwoodyHeyImDOMinationWetzelGeek
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    kuzmikovfedo
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    America: Hey, that looks like fun-

    Eurovision: pic.twitter.com/fHul0DLvk0

    • 4
    • FAVS
    defiantcameronobaewan_kenobaeBoobzillazKizerBillhelm
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    suhoplechevgri
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: *eats pancakes* Just like mom used to make.
    Mom: I did make them.
    Me: I HAVE NO MOTHER ANYMORE!
    Mom: You still can't have an alligator.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    davetrek42punmagnateKizerBillhelmEVO3talonmylittlehuggles
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    surkinval
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    How can they call it The Greatest Story Ever Told when there's not a single dragon in it?

    • 11
    • FAVS
    BoobzillazKizerBillhelmthemissinglincAPuzzelloReverend_ScottSmartassChefbgirl314DelanieFischer
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    ShaiLilDevilbgirl314Papa_Mexnormancallmeknowingsarah
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I get laid far too infrequently for someone that's never played Dungeons and Dragons.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    BoobzillazKizerBillhelmStormyy3mcwoodyJaySusHChristEVO3talonMisanthroPonyDeniseWalker81
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    Stormyy3panthecameraJonahSalostheninjuh
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'm not gay; I'm a confetti enthusiast.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    punmagnateBoobzillazKizerBillhelmJaySusHChristlftc86crankyoldbagderpintineWetzelGeek
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    OMGwhereisNinaknowingsarahderpintineTheGrimKing
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The 80s was a really long saxophone solo.

    • 40
    • FAVS
    punmagnateitsalexcouturejennslynbabyelephantpooIshraQMehParentpainsMeanJoe76ewfeez
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    mmmkoppaitsalexcouturebabyelephantpoojessica_lyn14BoobzillazKizerBillhelmjamesbrittonjrMichelleMossey
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'm not interested in inner beauty.

    I'm not a surgeon.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelmmalcomkatsHeyRikusJaySusHChristToken_GeezerTweetingDadGuyWetzelGeek
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    kuzmikovfedo
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I've been writing a lot of erotic fan fiction about various delicious & promiscuous cheeses.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    davetrek42KizerBillhelmShoutingGoddessHeyRikusJaySusHChristTweetingDadGuyWetzelGeek
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    davetrek42BlakeHinkey
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If a midget crawls into a giant's penis, would he shoot out like a cannonball when the giant ejaculates, or just be crushed by the erection?

    • 7
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelmJaySusHChristmcwoodyWetzelGeekShoutingGoddesspunmagnateAvatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    kuzmikovfedo
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    It's incredibly what you can do when you or your mime to it.

    *whips mime*

    Get back to work ya mute bastard!

    • 5
    • FAVS
    BoobzillazKizerBillhelmShoutingGoddessToken_Geezerthejamietighe
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    knowingsarah
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'm really a nice person if you never talk to me.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    BoobzillazKizerBillhelmdebon7thejamietighemilehighcreekLongLiveJesse
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    debon7BlakeHinkeyLongLiveJesse
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [therapy]

    *shows psychiatrist a picture of my mom in a dolphin sweater* She has one with wolves too.

    Dr: Beth, cancel all my appointments.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    just_evolvedOne_Hand_ClapParentpainslemmywinklerGordonTheTopHatlolawithbigcupsCoLiN69JShutUpThatsWho
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    Hitch1979HitchlolawithbigcupsShutUpThatsWhoKizerBillhelmBoobzillazLoli_SugUnlucky_Ninjathejamietighe
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [job interview]

    What skills can you bring to our organization that others can not?

    "I once beat Minesweeper... on EXPERT"

    *makes me CEO*

    • 7
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelmthejamietighecee_ceeStormyy3JWesWilliamsJaySusHChristWetzelGeek
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Stormyy3JWesWilliamsiron_mike73
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.

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