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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I only take selfies because cats haven't evolved opposable thumbs yet.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    johngayseenicfit75FcknMendoza
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Favstar: I said something marginally funny a few years ago. See?

    • 5
    • FAVS
    johngayseenicfit75heapsOhateLoveYoorFatemilehighcreek
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    johngayseenicfit75heapsOhateLoveYoorFatemilehighcreek
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Does your Apple Watch notify you when you're being a douche bag? No? Oh, well, let me help. You're a douche bag. Stop it.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    johngayseenicfit75mcwoodyToken_GeezerpssonormancallmeStr8GuyGayQuote
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *storms out of casino*

    That was NOT stud poker. Where were the STUDS? I want my chips back!

    • 4
    • FAVS
    johngayseenicfit75WetzelGeekgypsybritches
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    johngaysee
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The Real World 47: Surface of the sun.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    johngayseeEH1967shegotagronknicfit75beersudskDuncanGmcwoodyWetzelGeek
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    EH1967nicfit75kDuncanGmcwoody
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If she carries a dog around in a purse, RUN.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    johngayseenicfit75mcwoodySilverBadger
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    What do both a tweetup and sex in the back of a 1985 Camaro IROC Z28 have in common?

    They'll both give you herpes every time.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    johngayseenicfit75WetzelGeekUnFitz
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    FACT: You can drink as much alcohol as you want with zero consequences if you swallow a Brita filter first.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    johngayseecrazylikeanoxThisCantBRightEH1967shegotagronkrayyyychsleepylabeef666nicfit75
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    johngaysee0pinion8dEH1967sleepylabeef666nicfit75TrixtopherDukekDuncanG
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Hookers will not accept ski ball tickets as payment. Even if you get the bj behind an arcade.

    • 1
    • FAV
    WetzelGeek
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I don't know anything about transsexual walruses.

    • 14
    • FAVS
    kDuncanGnicfit75Jay1972JayzachheltzelAdar79AngieiMikosnycMoneypennyNakedjohngaysee
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Adar79AngieNolaChef504milehighcreek
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A gay guy giving birth to kittens would be the bitchiest thing ever.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    kDuncanGGregGateleyoff_beat_deadRiver_Nilesnicfit75Jay1972JayTweetingDadGuyHeSlimedMeRay
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    nicfit75Adar79Angiecruzfe3KizerBillhelmLotusKittyBear
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I never drink alone. That would be pathetic.

    *pets kitty*

    • 116
    • FAVS
    POLARFAISEsamrichards200dzaagozajneyes4lefEmanuelIsa_TWPrisonerDebiie_OszNarryputona
    • 45
    • RETWEETS
    POLARFAISEwheredidyougo_SandraP_VlcChiniMartinez2marianicasio99MNREDMexico_BrokenSound_diianaredhead
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Is not rolling your eyes at everyone you encounter considered a superpower?

    • 10
    • FAVS
    iMikosnycMoneypennyNakedKizerBillhelmLotusKittyBearthejamietighehrlksBoozieEyedJoemcwoody
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    TracyMarcusNolaChef504hrlks
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    How I use personal days at work:

    3%- Legitimately sick.
    37%- Hangovers.
    55%- FUCK. THIS. SHIT. I'm staying in bed.
    5%- Went home to poop.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    lvvzzJaden76Jez1DerekWerkowitzTeeJayRushjesq87jaggedapeMoralSauce
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    lvvzzTeeJayRushjesq87jaggedapeiMikosnycKizerBillhelmhereholddeezNolaChef504
  • shkeeber
     
    Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *wipes away a single tear*

    That was beautiful.

    @johngaysee

    • 2
    • FAVS
    iMikosnycjohngaysee
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    People who smile before noon should be euthanized.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    MoneypennyNakedKizerBillhelmwombfuriousNolaChef504mcwoodyjohngayseeAaronFokintherToken_Geezer
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    KizerBillhelmNolaChef504mcwoodyItMightBeJimbo
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I think it's funny that when I was young I never wanted to take naps, but now that I'm an adult, all I want to do is drink alone and cry.

    • 17
    • FAVS
    iMikosnycMoneypennyNakedKizerBillhelmLotusKittyBearwombfuriousNolaChef504thejamietigheDogLovesWine
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    metalman_60deeevavNolaChef504thejamietigheDogLovesWineBoozieEyedJoejohngayseeItMightBeJimbo
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Sorry I can't make it to your wedding. I'm slowly dying alone that weekend.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    JessObsessiMikosnycMoneypennyNakedKizerBillhelmLotusKittyBearwombfuriousCackleClubthejamietighe
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    _MidnightRush_KizerBillhelmNolaChef504TheMongoose69CanadaPandaAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Apparently Drake doesn't like the taste of Madonna's Polident Dentu-Creme.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    iMikosnycMoneypennyNakedKizerBillhelmthejamietigheBoozieEyedJoejohngayseeItMightBeJimboOneSmartFellow__
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    ItMightBeJimbo
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Sorry I stuffed your kid in a trash can, but he was breathing and talking near me.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    iMikosnycKizerBillhelmthejamietigheBoozieEyedJoejohngayseeItMightBeJimboExitThaWarriorvinnyfromphilly
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    TayJeff5abhorrent_wife
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I'll hold grudges and tacos, but not babies.

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