67% of me loves this trophy.

Thanks, @dre_77_ !

Thanks for the cup, @grimskitsngravy !

Thanks for the cup, @quinoshea ! Very much appreciated!

There's no D in "thanks for the trophy, @bjaynash ".

911 won't take my calls anymore, @polyesterpony .

Thanks for the pick!

Thanks for the trophy, @randumshhht !

How can I still be single when I know ALL the moves to the Pee-wee Herman "tequila" dance? I just don't understand...

*tiptoes out of bar*

You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to puns.

I'm on the Promise Diet, it's where the calories in junk food don't count as long as you promise yourself you'll start working out tomorrow.

I wish I was brave enough to tell you I love you, but I guess, for now, I'll just keep rooting through your trash.

Ooo, a pair of undies!

So, like, it turns out Canada's, like, super big. I googled it.

HUGE.

14,000!?!?!? Holy shit?! When did that happen?? Thank you guys so much for listening to my inane ramblings. You're all awesome! Many thanks!

If I had 3 wishes, the first would be to make Kelly Ripa's middle name "Fart". The 2nd & 3rd wishes would both involve the "Flatulympics".

I didn't see Batman, I saw stink beard under the covers taking pictures of pocket mommy's hiney!

@joeyhuggles @luvpug

It was Lucky for grandma that she passed away peacefully in her sleep.

Unfortunately it wasn't very lucky for the passengers in her car.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Unless you work in the alzheimer's wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.

The umbilical cord is nature's USB cord. After it's been cut, babies have to use WahFi to communicate with their mothers.

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Me: I'm 33 and I have a fauxhawk.

Playing connect the dots is super fun until the firemen catch you drawing on their dog and they turn the hose on you.

Did you just refer to it as your twitter career?

Haha!

Oh... You're serious?

BWAHAHAHA!

CAREER! Oh, that's good!

Mind if I tweet this?