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I like rewarding myself for eating healthy by binge eating Chinese food and chocolate.
*draws chalk outline around my penis*
I'll go hiking with you when they start building liquor stores on mountaintops.
Let me make your dreams come true, baby. I hate to brag, but I literally have tens of dollars at my disposal. The world is our oyster.
Maybe you should be more worried about the gap between your ears than the one between your thighs.
*sticks penis in mail slot*
*accidentally prints 4000 page document*
*takes an early lunch*
*never returns to the office*
Probably my favorite part of working out is Chinese food instead.
My favorite outdoor activity is walking to the liquor store.
Honesty is only the best policy if you're a terrible liar.
*adds DILF to online dating profile*
I refuse to drink eggnog until someone explains to me exactly what "nog" is, because I'm 99% sure it's reindeer jizz.
*frantically flips through anatomy text book*
WHY DO I HAVE TWO ANUSES?
*frantically flips through dictionary*
ANUSES IS A WEIRD WORD!
*spins the bottle*
I apologize at the beginning of dates to get it out of the way.
My parents' marriage was the main contributing factor of their divorce.
Self defacating humor: That shit is funny.
Her: I'm your new co-worker, Candi, with an I!
Me: Hi, Candi. If I put some dollar bills in your panties, will you leave?