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I only take selfies because cats haven't evolved opposable thumbs yet.
Favstar: I said something marginally funny a few years ago. See?
Does your Apple Watch notify you when you're being a douche bag? No? Oh, well, let me help. You're a douche bag. Stop it.
*storms out of casino*
That was NOT stud poker. Where were the STUDS? I want my chips back!
The Real World 47: Surface of the sun.
If she carries a dog around in a purse, RUN.
What do both a tweetup and sex in the back of a 1985 Camaro IROC Z28 have in common?
They'll both give you herpes every time.
FACT: You can drink as much alcohol as you want with zero consequences if you swallow a Brita filter first.
Hookers will not accept ski ball tickets as payment. Even if you get the bj behind an arcade.
I don't know anything about transsexual walruses.
A gay guy giving birth to kittens would be the bitchiest thing ever.
I never drink alone. That would be pathetic.
Is not rolling your eyes at everyone you encounter considered a superpower?
How I use personal days at work:
3%- Legitimately sick.
55%- FUCK. THIS. SHIT. I'm staying in bed.
5%- Went home to poop.
People who smile before noon should be euthanized.
I think it's funny that when I was young I never wanted to take naps, but now that I'm an adult, all I want to do is drink alone and cry.
Sorry I can't make it to your wedding. I'm slowly dying alone that weekend.
Apparently Drake doesn't like the taste of Madonna's Polident Dentu-Creme.
Sorry I stuffed your kid in a trash can, but he was breathing and talking near me.
I'll hold grudges and tacos, but not babies.
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