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Remember when I used to tweet?
A gym is a place where one can pay a monthly fee to ineptly dangle off various machines while being judged by strangers.
I'd pay good money to listen to James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman having phone sex.
*goes to the emergency room holding my own severed a arm*
*has to wait for twenty minutes behind a lady buying lotto tickets*
Valentines day is THIS Sunday? I didn't even know... That reminds me, I need to buy cat food.
I'm 36 years old. Looking for new friends, not new to the area, I just hate everyone I know. Looking to make new connections.
[on a date]
Brain: OMG I'm dying of boredom.
Penis: I know, but check out that body!
Heart: Can we go get some cheese?
I'll post a Friends Day video when Facebook makes one of me eating various cheeses alone in bed.
If you replace the first stage of grief with vodka, you don't need the last four.
At any given moment there is a 93% chance that I am thinking about nunchucks.
Of course I haven't been avoiding you. I've been avoiding everyone.
Ted Cruz looks like he's always thinking about the donuts in the break room.
Yo mama’s so ugly her mascara runs before the can get it on her face.
Two weeks until Valentine's Day and I still haven't picked out any outfits for the cats!
Him: Is that... a pillow fort?
Me: Yep. *suggestively winks*
Him: Um, I have to go now-
Me: There's Mario Kart!
Him: 5 minutes.
My sex life is currently frozen in carbonite.
I've been single for so long, my spank bank makes Fort Knox look like a piggy bank.
Accidentally said "I love you" before I hung up with after placing my Chinese takeout order.
I'll always be a child at heart. That's why I still have a savings account, because I like to play make-believe.
My favorite Star Wars movie is Spaceballs.
I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.
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