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I'm 36 years old. Looking for new friends, not new to the area, I just hate everyone I know. Looking to make new connections.
[on a date]
Brain: OMG I'm dying of boredom.
Penis: I know, but check out that body!
Heart: Can we go get some cheese?
I'll post a Friends Day video when Facebook makes one of me eating various cheeses alone in bed.
If you replace the first stage of grief with vodka, you don't need the last four.
At any given moment there is a 93% chance that I am thinking about nunchucks.
Of course I haven't been avoiding you. I've been avoiding everyone.
Ted Cruz looks like he's always thinking about the donuts in the break room.
Yo mama’s so ugly her mascara runs before the can get it on her face.
Two weeks until Valentine's Day and I still haven't picked out any outfits for the cats!
Him: Is that... a pillow fort?
Me: Yep. *suggestively winks*
Him: Um, I have to go now-
Me: There's Mario Kart!
Him: 5 minutes.
My sex life is currently frozen in carbonite.
I've been single for so long, my spank bank makes Fort Knox look like a piggy bank.
Accidentally said "I love you" before I hung up with after placing my Chinese takeout order.
I'll always be a child at heart. That's why I still have a savings account, because I like to play make-believe.
My favorite Star Wars movie is Spaceballs.
Hazard lights, but for my love life.
I spent a lot of time lately wondering where I've left things that I haven't seen in 20 years.
15. Rock star
25. Be on time for work
30. Lose 10 lbs
35. Get off the couch without groaning
It took a while, but I've finally managed added everything on Netflix to my list without watching a single thing.
At what point does being emo turn into actual clinical depression?
Is it 36? It is, isn't it?
*wipes off eye liner*
I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.
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