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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    No, YOU'RE an adult.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    Jay_FrickinLynnJaySusHChristceilck
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Doctor What is my favorite show, I love Benadryl Crimplebutt!

    -Me attempting to sound cultured

    • 4
    • FAVS
    Jay_FrickinLynnmcwoodydanlak3CanadianCyn
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I ate a piece of cheese while having sex and it tore a hole in the spacetime continuum, allowing me to watch myself have sex and eat cheese.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    thedude1411Jay_FrickinLynnmaxfuckeryBlizzie88JaySusHChristMisanthroPonyAvatar_unknown_48
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Jay_FrickinLynnAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Live long: Check
    Prosper: Check

    Beam him up, Scotty.

    RIP Leonard

    • 8
    • FAVS
    nathantonyeJay_FrickinLynnCanadaPandaJaySusHChristcassidyqfacemcwoodyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Who cares about the color of the dress? THERE ARE MAN EATING LLAMAS ON THE LOOSE! Get your priorities together, people.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    OneSmartFellowJaySusHChrist
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'm 35 years old and I just got trapped in my t-shirt while trying to take it off. I'm still single just in case anyone was wondering.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    normancallmeJaySusHChristmcwoodyHeyZeus666UnFitzWilliamAder
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: Help! I broke my leg falling down the stairs. I'm bleeding!

    Mom: Just a minute, sweetie. There's llamas on the TV.

    Me: *passes out*

    • 2
    • FAVS
    GeorgeScumbagBettyLouBashEm
  • shkeeber
     
    Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'm here for fart tweets. Period.

    @marlespo

    • 2
    • FAVS
    marlespomilehighcreek
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I know jet lag is a thing, but what about Chipotle lag? Seriously, because it takes me a few days to recuperate after one of those burritos.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    Stormyy3BoleyngirlyAvatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Avatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I have a hard time trusting people who are alive.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    DumbConfessionsCatherineLMKmcwoodyjmelorenzoJay_FrickinLynnswtlyevilallisulliJaySusHChrist
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Jay_FrickinLynnallisulliAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I have visible abs if you have an X-ray machine.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    GeorgeScumbagscarletcar21Stella_BrosterTheMongoose69Cynner777mcwoodyforeverjap8rustystaples
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    scarletcar21TheMongoose69foreverjap8rustystaplesJay_FrickinLynnT8rnutz
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Having a beard doesn't make you rugged.

    Trimming it with a live piranha does.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    CatherineLMKBettyLouBashEmBHMaloneyJaySusHChristWetzelGeekmilehighcreekmcwoody
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    milehighcreek
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Hey, science. 60" HD Tacos. Get on it.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    CatherineLMKImAFavstarCuntTweetingDadGuytheshamingofjayMekalesTheGrimKingJaySusHChristSirCullyThaCray
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    TheGrimKingmilehighcreek
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    New rule: If you post pictures of your feet on a warm sunny beach while I'm experiencing a subarctic winter, I get to cut off your feet.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    BHMaloneytheshamingofjaytiReynardlibrarywendtmuhammedalliaMekalesTheGrimKingmcwoody
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    MekalesTheGrimKingAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [at physical]
    "You're not a real doctor!"
    Please. Calm. Down.
    "No, YOU calm down and check for them!"
    Sir, Mid-Chlorians aren't real.
    LIES!

    • 4
    • FAVS
    CatherineLMKTweetingDadGuyTheGrimKingStormyy3
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    TheGrimKingStormyy3
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Walking Dead fans:

    Ginger G.I. Joe banging Selena while Rain man watched? Fuck yeah!

    Innocent non-creepy gay kiss? *grabs pitchforks*

    • 5
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelmmcwoodymetalmaggie1969hey_destinyMisanthroPony
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    MisanthroPony
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Are we 100% sure that Nick Nolte isn't just strolling around in a John Travolta mask?

    • 12
    • FAVS
    CatherineLMKTweetingDadGuymetalmaggie1969abhichandCelebrityChezBareChestyjohngayseeHeyZeus666
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    benerdist
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I bet John Travolta even creeps out Nick Nolte.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    metalmaggie1969abhichandBareChestyjohngayseeindrasarrowHeyZeus666mcwoodyJaySusHChrist
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    abhichandcassidyqface
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I can't believe I've wasted 35 years of my life not shitting in birdbaths.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    TweetingDadGuymetalmaggie1969CelebrityChezBareChestyjohngayseeSlyPinkspytiReynardJaySusHChrist
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    tiReynard
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I honestly never thought I would fall in love, but here I am at Chipotle for the third time today.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    mtnmamasteshutupheavBonniferCBHMaloneyTweetingDadGuyWalksaskatoonJerWaydBareChesty
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    M_kooopKatieVetchshutupheavBHMaloneybrinkle08BareChestymarilynlove4NatesVibes
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I'll hold grudges and tacos, but not babies.

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