Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I had a feeling.
Most of my sex appeal comes from the taco meat I keep in my pockets.
Groupies that fuck bass players go to hell.
*sits back and waits for 1000 RTs*
Your last tweet gave me a stroke, asshole.
When I said I wanted to bang you, I meant your head. Against a wall.
Some of my tweets aren't 100% factual.
Women see a kitchen sink.
Men see an emergency urinal.
If someone had told being an adult was going to suck this badly, I would have eaten WAY more paint chips as a kid.
FACT: Any man wearing a button-up cardigan has had his dick inside a corgi at least once.
Twitter is great if you have a few minutes or years to kill.
My father wasn't around long enough for me to develop daddy issues. So, to be honest, I don't even know why I have a Twitter account.
I remember when I learned to tie my shoes. I swapped my Velcro sneakers for tie ups & walked into that board meeting with my head held high.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower?
Me: *floors it*
Your butt hole is itchy on a crowded train.
What do you do?
WHAT DO YOU DO?!
"He's been so distant lately. He won't talk to me"
*Ryan Gosling cardboard cutout falls over*
"Help us, doctor!" *sobs*
One time I had to go to the emergency room because I couldn't stop doing the cabbage patch.
All my friends are buying homes and starting families and I just went to the Coinstar machine because I needed toilet paper money.