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Okay, we shall bug you no longer
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    This Minions meme with vague observations about life is hilarious. I think I'll post it on Facebook.

    -My Mom. 8 thousand times a day.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    PastaFace2VintageRisque
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    VintageRisque
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I looked behind the curtain in the book store into the adult section and there were two dudes doing each other's taxes. It was super gross.

    • 1
    • FAV
    JaySusHChrist
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My after sex glow is just the screen saver.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    lovestained555OrigamiUndiesgeorgeqlobstasAnitaHelmetJaySusHChristmcwoodyFC2917HeyRikus
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    lovestained555OrigamiUndiesr0llingst0nerAnitaHelmet
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Do medium sodas kmow when they're going to be ordered at restaurants?

    • 5
    • FAVS
    mcwoodyVinnyMacsAssThatDangWolfForeverHairyAvatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    BANGKidDynamite
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Half the time I know what's going on and half the time I don't and most of the time I can't tell which is worse.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    Ms_WhateverVBonniferCsquiggIelineJWesWilliamsTheMichaelRockjustKilieGulfCoastJake
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    JWesWilliams
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A zombie apocalypse sounds cool until you realize the people that know how to make bacon are probably all dead.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    Ms_WhateverVBonniferCmsrobnhoodlftc86TweetingDadGuylemmywinklerJWesWilliamsAdar79Angie
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    JWesWilliamspseudofauxme
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [Typing this tweet]
    Boss: Are you tweeting again? You're fired.
    Me: Shit. *sends tweet*

    • 10
    • FAVS
    JlofarsaysMs_WhateverVonume_Adar79AngieclindsayswaycharbelKamalTweetingDadGuyHeyRikus
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    clindsayswayForeverHairy
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If one of you is my dad, please come back. I'm 35 and don't know how to properly shave.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    BeamishBoiKizerBillhelmGhetto_TrophyTateRyannJaySusHChristmcwoodyghostsnghouls_HreAmngthDed33
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    KizerBillhelm____dingusLady_ColleenWritethatdown12JWesWilliamsCJ_MealeyRiver_Niles
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    When women take female Viagra it makes all men look like chocolate bars and backrubs.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelmGhetto_TrophySpaziotwatmcwoodyShoutingGoddessLukeGaylor
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    LukeGaylorCadenClarno
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I pixelate my crotch in all my dating apps photos to appear more risqué and less like a guy who always has his cat in his lap.

    • 31
    • FAVS
    kiwipaulaonume_KimKardashsToeclindsayswaykapow_7BeamishBoisimonchollandKizerBillhelm
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    Iddybudclindsayswaykapow_7KizerBillhelmGulfCoastJakeBarryVonAwesomeGamerwithnoGameCelebrityGaucho
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [grocery store]
    *eats 1 grape*
    *looks around*
    *eats 2 more*
    *looks around*
    *eats 4 more*
    *doesn't get caught*
    *hides watermelon under shirt*

    • 17
    • FAVS
    KatieOnViolinninjadinosaur1KarlTheFaggmossiiavaricious1KizerBillhelmRealPrincessKimMelvinofYork
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    KarlTheFagavaricious1Ghetto_Trophy
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If elected your president, I vow to get rid of all door gaps in public restrooms across this great country!

    *wins by a landslide*

    • 14
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelmGhetto_TrophysnapperjonEternalVeteran7PetrickSaramaureenroeClaretBarabawife_housy
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    tiffanysuIIivanwife_housy
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I wish people treated parents that bring their babies to movie theaters the same way they treated parents that leave babies in hot cars.

    • 52
    • FAVS
    KarlTheFagstewnamillwierzba77MockingCher_20onume_clindsayswaymcwoodykapow_7
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    KarlTheFagTwatleyVerbatimclindsaysway8rustystaplesKizerBillhelmiareDeemaGhetto_TrophyJakkiMac21
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I left work and began vacation 9 days ago, but here I am five minutes later, on my way back to work. I have apparently mastered time travel.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelmGhetto_Trophysnapperjonwife_housytweeterafJaySusHChristMirth_QuakeCanadaPanda
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    tweeteraf
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Only bill collectors and serial killers leave voicemail messages.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    Mamaleh2wife_housyRecklessRandomtweeterafKittenWrittenastutenewfjake_likes_napsPadmeAndidala
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    Mamaleh2BooneBrandywife_housyRecklessRandomtweeterafKittenWrittenDigitz_JamesonN7
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [Outgoing message]
    Hi, I can't answer the phone right now... or EVER. Seriously, why are calling people? You know everyone hates you, right?

    • 26
    • FAVS
    snapperjontweeterafprashhhanth93kelter1mybigblondelifecaseytduncanastutenewfjake_likes_naps
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    joelpeterdavidcaseytduncannnamdyjuniorastutenewfJamesonN7PreMedGirlhighestryanAngrEdmontonian
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    About 2 years ago I was 23.

    Now I'm 35.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    snapperjonBooneBrandywife_housytweeterafsockher_momcontrollermikermecheeyaKittenWritten
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    BooneBrandywife_housymerenlanKittenWrittenlawrenlikesitJamesonN7TankCesarHannibal_Bagga
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Who decided to call them stepfathers instead of faux pas?

    • 153
    • FAVS
    CompocolypsesnapperjonBlondAmbitionTOCpin42wife_housyWarramoosetewystrawbiies
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    lovestained555ShawntinaRoseGabrielGeorge4BlacknificenceCommonThought_MsGettyOpenYuhMindsassypants977
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [blind date]

    *slides photo of my cat in Gandalf cosplay across the table*

    • 11
    • FAVS
    snapperjonastutenewfjake_likes_napsSoulSistaSugarJamesonN7KizerBillhelmpaperphotoyoLOUD_Thoughts_
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    JamesonN7OffTheHutchDownFrontArtist
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.

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