Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I'd probably watch a Morgan Freeman-Betty White sex tape.
How to prove you're smart on face book:
[7+7-(8÷2)³]+ taco salad÷(1 [couldn't find] the+multiplication sign)²
I have cat-like reflexes. For instance: If you talk to me, I'll claw your fucking eyes out.
Yoda: The worst Jedi ever you are.
Shkeebiwan: *lights cigarette with light saber*
Yoda: Truly pathetic you are.
Shkeebiwan: *does shot*
I don't mean to brag, but since I started Twitter, the number of people I've slept with has increased by almost 200% to nearly two people!
I spend a lot of my day talking aloud to various programs on my work computer.
*looks left/looks right*
*whispers* Spreadsheet is a whore.
Nobody ever talks about the dark underbelly of hand modeling.
*gets shot by sniper*
Other things you shouldn't do to a gift horse:
·Bitch slap it
·Pull it's tail
·Shrug at it
·Call it sexy
·Set it on fire
Oh no... I see where this is headed.
*slowly turns to look at Betty White*
That Angela Bassett sure is a handsome fella.
The more dolphins figurines in her home the more antipsychotic meds in her medicine cabinet.
I've never been in an orgy unless you count cheese platters.
Scratch-n-sniff dick pics.
I can make a pretty realistic shadow puppet of a hand grasping my penis.
Porn title: The Elf on the MILF
I'm not morally bankrupt.
I never had an account to begin with.
My life would be a lot simpler if my boss would just pay me with bottles of vodka and Chinese takeout instead of these stupid pay checks.
Earbuds are just regular buds that sing to you.
Me: Oh my god!
Penis: I'm SO sorry!
Me: It was friendly fire!
Penis: An accident!
Me: Nobody panic!
Eye: SHUT UP AND BRING ME WATER!
According to my favstar page, I stopped being funny approximately 10 or 20 years ago.
You don't know true horror until you've had the realization that the bath toy you were squirting in your mouth as a child was your mother's used douche.