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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Fine! You win again, alcoholism.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    iMikosnycdanlak3MisanthroPony
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    BREAKING NEWS: Zayn Malik has left One Direction to pursue a career in heterosexuality.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    Dishy2101Unlucky_NinjaiMikosnycLuvPugGhetto_TrophyshakenbakegurlStr8GuyGayQuoteRedheaded_Elf
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Unlucky_NinjaKizerBillhelmAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Geez! Everybody calm down. I mean, it's not like Jordan Knight left NKOTB.

    Priorities, people. Priorities. Get your shit together.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    Ghetto_TrophyStr8GuyGayQuoteKizerBillhelmmisterbrymogrammar_cunt
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    misterbrymo
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Someone could cure cancer today and we wouldn't know about it for at least a month because Zayn Malik quit One Direction.

    • 15
    • FAVS
    Ghetto_TrophyshakenbakegurldebadeedebadahKizerBillhelmGarthLeverttherateofFancyNancyAnnP4TTT
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    debadeedebadahttherateofaimlessamersAvatar_unknown_48
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Saw that one of the members of One Direction quit the group and immediate pictured @theshamingofjay with a gun in his mouth.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    Unlucky_NinjaKizerBillhelmlovejulieaynCanadaPandashwebby3OneSmartFellowmilehighcreektheshamingofjay
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The movie trailer of my life would be two and a half minutes of me looking at everyone with a look of exasperation.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelmToken_Geezerdanlak3s_cLaN07Ghetto_TrophyiMikosnycBoleyngirlyAdar79Angie
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Nami_Nom
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If everything she owns has butterflies on it. RUN.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    Unlucky_NinjaYourComicMusecookiesnweedKizerBillhelmCrecre01aimlessamersdanlak3s_cLaN07
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Unlucky_NinjaYourComicMuseAdar79Angie
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Accidentally called my co-workers breakfast burrito sexy...

    Again.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    LuvPugmlcaryCtchandler247KizerBillhelms_cLaN07Ghetto_TrophyiMikosnycdanlak3
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Ctchandler247KizerBillhelmmilehighcreek
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I have a better chance of sprouting wings and flying to Australian by lunch time than ever being able to successfully do a single pull-up.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelm1800Randys_cLaN07Ghetto_TrophyCanadaPandaevofck
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Ghetto_Trophy
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Instead of "bye Felicia", Mexican gays say "bye fajita".

    • 4
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelmaimlessamerss_cLaN07iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    GIANT OILED UP BOUNCY BOOBS!

    Great, now that I have your attention, could one of you help me find my keys?

    • 5
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelms_cLaN07mcwoodyEVO3talonjustKilie
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Me: This week has been dragging
    Co-worker: It's only Monday.
    Me: So...?
    Coworker: And we haven't even punched in yet.
    Me: What's your point?

    • 5
    • FAVS
    Tired_Hungry_s_cLaN07iMikosnycmcwoodyPoopDoopMcGoop
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    TheThievingJewCammille26iMikosnycPoopDoopMcGoop
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    New body, who dis?

    -Demon possessed person

    • 7
    • FAVS
    WalkingCivilWaraimlessamerss_cLaN07normancallmeiMikosnycKizerBillhelmToken_Geezer
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    aimlessamers
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler in a fight to the death.

    The winner gets shot into space, never to return.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    s_cLaN07iMikosnyccloudypianosJohnnyNopolismcwoodyStr8GuyGayQuoteJaySusHChristEVO3talon
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Everything I know about sex, I learned from HBO. That's why I'm only comfortable having drunk sex in the back of a cab in Manhattan at 4am.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    s_cLaN07iMikosnycJohnnyNopolisStr8GuyGayQuoteTheAlexNevilWetzelGeekMisanthroPonyFruit_Slinger
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    TheeMsalame
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    The zoo basically had two modes:

    1. Boring sleeping animals.

    2. Hardcore porn.

    • 74
    • FAVS
    LapointedlyLaniBenoUnlucky_NinjamidlifecrisisfliRahulwahiaur_bhaiAcidMessLuvPug
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    niksehgalLaniBenoUnlucky_NinjamidlifecrisisfltyrantasorusshakenbakegurllilianbuzzettoKizerBillhelm
    iMikosnyc
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    And now for my next trick!

    *eats a single Lay's potato chip*

    Tada!

    • 7
    • FAVS
    shakenbakegurlKizerBillhelmChuckyKatJaySusHChristWetzelGeekSilverBadgerMe604
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Less than a month until the tweetup and I still haven't finished my skin suit!

    • 18
    • FAVS
    KizerBillhelmLauschJackJez1SeiYoung83TheCatWhisprerruby_claireiammaylynnThrill_Tweeter
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    SeiYoung83WilliamAder
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Every time you masturbate in the shower, you're basically drowning children in your bathtub.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    MattMcGruffSchrodingerMiowkeshavc283stewnamiPDogg8675309Unlucky_NinjaKizerBillhelmJohnnyNopolis
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    MattMcGruffKmPensingerstewnamiPDogg8675309Unlucky_NinjaTheeMsalameJohnnyNopolis
@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I'll hold grudges and tacos, but not babies.

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