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I hope my midlife crisis doesn't involve a mustache.
I AM THIRTY FIVE.
I thought my spidey sense was tingling, but it turned out to be herpes.
Drunk fag hags treat gays like they treat their dogs. Not cool.
Children are very impressionable.
Don't step on them.
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being washed?
I would rather paper cut my dick off than go see your kid in the school Christmas play.
*invents hamburger taco pizza cake*
*has boner forever*
Once I was fired from a job for being sticky.
Instead of "throwback Thursday", we should call it "See? I used to be young and thin!".
"We have ways of making you talk"
Please, no! Don't!
*plays Adam Sandler movie*
OK, I'LL TALK!
Before $300 smartwatches and fitness trackers, we used something cheaper called "sweating" to let us know if we were getting a good workout.
Hi, is this the Humane Society? Oh good, my coworker has a video on her phone of her dog dressed in a Santa outfit.
It's not easy being a sex symbol.
I respect your opinion.
Don't get me wrong; It's still moronic, but I respect it.
You wouldn't believe how many times a day I have to stop and check if I'm wearing pants.
One time I faked my own death to get out of taking the trash to the curb.
I'd probably read the bible if they changed the title to Jesus: King of the Zombies.
My dreams of living in a pillow fort will come to fruition when I am inevitably locked in a padded cell.