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  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Knock knock

    Who's They're?

    The grammar Nazis!

    *Gun shots*

    • 2
    • LIKES
    WetzelGeekxosm
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I got an Ikea catalogue in the mail and it took me an hour to put it together.

    • 3
    • LIKES
    grammar_cuntJaySusHChristben_burnett
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    FcknMendoza
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

    Me: I ATE A KFC BOWL!

    Operator: *faints*

    • 2
    • LIKES
    JaySusHChristDaddyJew
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    lynnet_martin
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Bank teller: Hi, how may I help you today?

    Me: I'd like to open a retirement account. *dumps bag of Beanie Babies and Pogs on the counter*

    • 2
    • LIKES
    JaySusHChristOneSmartFellow
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Remember when I used to tweet?

    • 4
    • LIKES
    johngayseeKizerBillhelmJaySusHChristTheGrimKing
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    TheGrimKing
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    A gym is a place where one can pay a monthly fee to ineptly dangle off various machines while being judged by strangers.

    • 8
    • LIKES
    ShoutingGoddess20eyeDocsAdar79AngiejohngayseeKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKinggrammar_cunt
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    johngayseeTheGrimKing
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'd pay good money to listen to James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman having phone sex.

    • 11
    • LIKES
    lafleenMiss_Firefly_DoneEffedUpjohngayseeKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingphonesexop
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    AristocratsFilmMiss_Firefly_johngayseeKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingiambobbywimothyjoseph
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    *goes to the emergency room holding my own severed a arm*

    *has to wait for twenty minutes behind a lady buying lotto tickets*

    • 11
    • LIKES
    20eyeDocsAnothrGayJustinjohngayseeKizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingxosmGeorgeSpeilbach__
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    AnothrGayJustinjohngayseeTheGrimKinglynnet_martinFruit_Slinger
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Valentines day is THIS Sunday? I didn't even know... That reminds me, I need to buy cat food.

    • 10
    • LIKES
    johngayseeTheGrimKingxosmAdar79AngieDurtMcHurttlftc86TenthGenerationJaySusHChrist
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    TrickleVaryTea
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [Personal ad]

    I'm 36 years old. Looking for new friends, not new to the area, I just hate everyone I know. Looking to make new connections.

    • 16
    • LIKES
    em_claudettjayrod1283KizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingxosmAdar79AngieDurtMcHurtt
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    johngayseeJelloPuddTheGrimKingOneSmartFellowStormyy3
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [on a date]

    Brain: OMG I'm dying of boredom.
    Penis: I know, but check out that body!
    Heart: Can we go get some cheese?

    • 13
    • LIKES
    KizerBillhelmMichiganManuelTheGrimKingxosmAdar79AngieDurtMcHurttAlibikinFEGSXHTravLeBlanc
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    JamilaHanaganMichiganManuelTheGrimKingjohngayseeGulfCoastJake
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    I'll post a Friends Day video when Facebook makes one of me eating various cheeses alone in bed.

    • 8
    • LIKES
    MichiganManuelTheGrimKingAdar79AngieDurtMcHurttMetabikinYRXZLUjohngayseeGulfCoastJakeTitansHomer
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    johngayseeMichiganManuelTheGrimKing
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    If you replace the first stage of grief with vodka, you don't need the last four.

    • 21
    • LIKES
    itsalexcoutureJulieSnarkDJstewartwhoBarryCrainKizerBillhelmMichiganManuellorigonzalez28JelloPudd
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    KizerBillhelmartbyjohn_jgjohngayseeTheGrimKingthesaxnessaudri_em
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    At any given moment there is a 93% chance that I am thinking about nunchucks.

    • 22
    • LIKES
    KizerBillhelmTheGrimKingBlairLoudlyRealPrincessKimtrappedsoul7thelawmomandrewgutinbecabird
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    TheGrimKingandrewgutinLuvPugkDuncanGAdar79Angiethesaxness
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Of course I haven't been avoiding you. I've been avoiding everyone.

    • 11
    • LIKES
    KizerBillhelmTheGrimKingAdar79AngieDurtMcHurttxtevolutionjohngayseethesaxnesslftc86
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    udaysahadevanJelloPuddTheGrimKingFresh_Coffey__xtevolutionjohngayseethesaxnessGypsyAlli
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Ted Cruz looks like he's always thinking about the donuts in the break room.

    • 6
    • LIKES
    KizerBillhelmTheGrimKingAdar79AngieMetabikinYRXZLUjohngayseeCanadaPanda
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Yo mama’s so ugly her mascara runs before the can get it on her face.

    • 5
    • LIKES
    KizerBillhelmjohngayseeTheGrimKingZolabikinWZIZVQshwebby3
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    Two weeks until Valentine's Day and I still haven't picked out any outfits for the cats!

    • 35
    • LIKES
    johngayseeTheGrimKingCanadaPandaPiecezillaGaspingJoggerSpaziotwatYibikinYDBBRVRichBeingRich
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    Spaziotwataudri_emdondraperrocksT_kbrightpayneblade3zoryah_ItsElsy_correctomundo
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    [First date]
    Him: Is that... a pillow fort?
    Me: Yep. *suggestively winks*
    Him: Um, I have to go now-
    Me: There's Mario Kart!
    Him: 5 minutes.

    • 6
    • LIKES
    johngayseeTheGrimKingxtevolutionJohnnyNopolisKizerBillhelmTenthGeneration
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    johngayseextevolution
  • shkeeber
      Shkeeber @shkeeber

    My sex life is currently frozen in carbonite.

    • 6
    • LIKES
    johngayseeTheGrimKingaudri_emJohnnyNopolisKizerBillhelmMYLITTLEDOOMY__

Shkeeber’s Newest Tweets

@shkeeber

@shkeeber

I like romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and acid wash mom jeans.

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