Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
*opens feeling tab*
Three mysterious holes have opened up in Siberia. Scientists have yet to stick anything in the third hole because Siberia is a major prude.
I always eat a Mr Clean Magic Eraser before my yearly physical.
I'm a super hero. My power is that I can be in two places at once! For instance, right now I'm in an office meeting AND I'm in hell.
I own pairs of pants that I like more than 90% of the people I know.
In Russia, they shoot at rainbows.
Me: *sings into vibrator* I'm picking up good vibrations... Good good GOOD GOOD VIBRATIONS!
Mom: DROP THAT! I TOLD YOU, STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!
I bet zombie heaven is an all you can eat Jimmy Buffet.
[at the golf course]
Him: *swings* FORE!
Me: I should go.
How often does Taylor Swift shed her exoskeleton?
I tell every wealthy old man I meet that I love him, just in case one of 'em turns out to be my father.
Thank you for pointing out the typo in my tweet. I hope your cats don't eat you after you die.
*quietly removes light-up Hannah Montana hat*
Earbubds: A devices one uses to listen to music while it removes bits of wax and hair from the ear canal.
Before opening the internet browser on your phone to show your co-workers a funny cat video, be sure you've closed the Pornhub tab first.
Oh, your country has free socialized healthcare?
We have a wiener mobile.
Start spreading your legs. I'm coming today.
-Very frank Sinatra
I bought a GoPro camera, strapped it to my head, and took a nap.
True or false?
I just called someone a dick cramp.
There's a real possibility that you'll never fall in love and get married. You could die alone.
Oh sorry. Cat food, aisle 3.
You don't know true horror until you've had the realization that the bath toy you were squirting in your mouth as a child was your mother's used douche.