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*opens box of Ritz*
RELEASE THE CRACKERS!
*opens box of Cracker Jacks*
RELEASE THE CRACKER JACKS*
RELEASE THE CRACK!
How is Dorito NOT Spanish for door?
Brooms are mops with boners.
The best thing about not giving a shit anymore is go fuck yourself, asshole.
Are you "funny" funny or "favstar" funny?
Why the fuck can I draw Nicki Minaj's ass from memory?
Diet: di·et; noun. The short period of time one starves themself before binge eating the entire contents of one's refrigerator and pantry.
I'm surprised more marriages don't happen at gun point.
I want to see the eyes bucket challenge.
You know what, Mr Earp? You're pretty fly for Wyatt guy.
Fly dad: OMG, Everybody hide!
Fly mom: What is it?!
Fly dad: The SWAT team!
Like, you don't even have to, like, like this tweet because I already, like, liked it a lot.
Bobble head dolls are, like, always drunk.
If bonsai trees could drive, they probably buy very expensive sports cars.
Knowing that special someone is thinking about makes me feel all warm inside, even though it's only because they're caged up in my basement.
I know you're upset that I accidentally texted you a pic of my butthole, but since you've seen it, would you mind taking this short survey?
Sorry I sent 137 texts last night, I thought you accidentally put your phone on silent, text me back.
[13 seconds later]
*starts new text*
Happy belated National Dog Day to that bitch, Ann Coulter!
You don't know true horror until you've had the realization that the bath toy you were squirting in your mouth as a child was your mother's used douche.