In Hell, Twitter has a 4 character limit.

I separate women into two categories:

1. Women I would have sex with.
2. Dudes.

"Socially awkward and shy is the new sexy." - Things I say to myself every morning.

"Fuck! I wish I wrote that!" - Me, all day reading the shit you people write.

After sex, I like to cuddle up to her. Wrap my arm around her, brush back her hair and whisper:

"Welcome to rock bottom."

To people making fun of Canada:

I think Bryan Adams & Nickelback were just warning shots.

Let's not really piss them off.

Me talking to girls:

Boobs
Don't look
Tacos
Focus
Gotta pee
Is she still talking?
Be clever
"Indubitably!"
WTF was that?
You idiot
Abort!

A girl just referred to New Kids On The Block as "Classic Rock" & now I understand why the world hates Americans.

Nurse: Have you eaten anything in the last 8 hours?
Me: Just some PUSSSSAAAAYYY!
Nurse: ...
Me: ...
Nurse: ...
Me: No, I haven't.

My dream job? That's easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.


That's Old School Twitter.

Lance Armstrong admits to cheating at a sport most don't care about to help raise $500M for a cure that most do care about?

Forgiven.

Hostess: Table for one?

Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?

Hostess: ...

Me: ...

Hostess: ...

Me: Yes, one please.

So, when I wear my phone clipped to my belt & a fanny pack, I'm a douche.

Batman does it & it's a bad-ass utility belt.


Double standard.

*Don't be creepy*
*Don't be creepy*
*Don't be creepy*

"Your knees look smooth, you must bend them a lot."

- Me, just now to girl at gym

Ladies: Legs, boobs, butt, hair are all great...

But, NOTHING beats intelligence and a great sense of humor! Period.

The first rule of Women's Fight Club is:

We will stew about it for days then scream at you about it & never let you forget it, Asshole.

I don't play "Words With Friends" but I am kicking ass in "Unresponsive Texts From Chicks."


Apparently.

Not to brag, but I'm so fucking awesome at sex that no chick has ever needed me to do it a second time!

I may get really horny, but I've never been "Ted Danson fucking Whoopi Goldberg" horny.

I like the outdoors, cuddling by a fire, candles, opera and any other shit that ends with my penis in your vagina.