I'm pretty sure that when I die, I'll want my tweets scrolling by on a screen at my funeral.

The #Mariners leave more men on base than the US Army in Afghanistan.

I googled the fuck out of her.

Love that Seahawks nation & Who Dat nation share a cause on Christmas. My worlds united RT @gosaintsnation: Geaux Seahawks!!! Help us out!"

@richellechrest How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by @chelsea_dwyer?

Oh Princess, your Beauty ain't sleepin'. #DisneyPickUpLines

You're born alone and you die alone and the world just drops a bunch of rules on you to make you forget that. But I never forget. #MadMen

Please love yourself.

"His old tweets were way better." - #TwitterHipster

I don't mean to brag, but I have a Masters in dying alone.

Don't worry you guys. Casey Anthony might have been acquitted by a Jury, but she's getting death by firing squad on the internet.

The excessive amount of pillows I keep in my bed to prevent it from feeling empty will always be there for me.

@slutsherface There needs to be a cable channel where I can watch you watch Fox News. I'd pay for that.

It's never too soon to start freaking out about everything.

@kdthunderup @ibabombshell Hell yeah! Go #Dawgs (And #Horns too)

Problem with having everything you want is you never really know what you need. #AloeBlacc

Check out my Kickstarter - for my upcoming Seattle-based comedic Web Series @wetcitywash: http://kck.st/ifFJPR We're nothing without you.

Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your husband, #Dallas. Cuz Big Ben is coming to town and he's raping errrbody out here.

Yes, of all the things, THAT is the best thing.

Best part about working in a bar is having your choice of designer liquor boxes to choose from when picking boxes for a move.#TopShelfMovers