BREAKING: NFL to replace referees with all-seeing, all-knowing Infinity Sphere. "It told me how I'd die," says Eli Manning, 31.

(points at the moon) i;m going to Fuck that

last name ever, first name greatest, middle name dad

hipsters listen to shitty music like dragonforce and fall out boy. hey fuuckers try listening to real music like that song from portal

hi haters *waves* hey haters *hugs haters* hey thhere haters *kisses haters with tongue* i love u haters *kisses haters neck* mmm yea haters

debris from last years earthquake in japan is just now washing up on shore in WA and someone i know just found this: http://t.co/9UP3yYeV

mom if you'd fucking go on tumblr once in a while you'd realize theres more than two genders and mine happens to be coheed and cambria

if you love christmas so much why don't you merry it

If I seem distant I'm sorry. Tomorrow is the 13 year anniversary of the day I had to put my Furby down. He got addicted to black tar heroin.

#4WordsAfterIntercourse whats the wi-fi password

if your entire identity is based around marijuana, you're probably boring as fuck and should kill yourself

*tapes like 6 cigarettes together, takes a drag that burns through them all, exhales* nah man. i dont draft my tweets. that shits for losers

lol this guy next to me is trying to call his dad by yelling at his phone CALL DAD and it won't do it. ur dad is dead bro

jesus christ i've been listening to this swans album since april 2005 and i still have two tracks to go

frank ocean's career really took off when he changed his name from frank saltwater pond *garbage truck covers me in trash*

mom i need your credit card to pay the authors of a shitty comic that promotes both rape and gamer culture $500 so they will retweet me

i just wanted to fuck a car but i got put in the autozone

a movie just like I Am Legend but instead of zombie people its just dogs and instead of being bloodthirsty they're really nice and playful

an ashamed andre 3000 is shuffles onto a stage at sxsw. "what's cooler than being cool ranch tacos?" he says, fighting back tears

basically just a movie about the only guy left on a planet full of fun dogs and he goes around petting all of them