When I tell someone "You're preaching to the choir", what I'm trying to say is "Turn around, idiot. You're facing the wrong way."

I cried when I had no shoes until I watched Jersey Shore & saw people with no brains. Then I cried harder, for they were wearing $600 shoes.

I just found a piece of black licorice in my kid's Halloween stash. I wonder what cruel fucker was handing out those.

I'm less concerned about voter apathy than you should be about voter telepathy.
*begins controlling your mind*

In space, no one can hear you scream. Unless I find your zero-G spot.

My my most hated typo is is when I double double words. My second most hated leave out words. Then there subject verbs agreement from edits.

They call stadium seats "bleachers" because after sitting on them for an hour, you start to feel like you just had your asshole bleached.

Congrats on your 50★ RT, tooter of your own horn! We'd all be much more impressed if you'd fellate yourself for us!

Every time I send evidence to the lab, it comes back all chewed up!
Maybe I should send it to the terrier instead. He just licks his balls.

I have no gag gift reflex.

Whenever a lotion label instructs me to "apply liberally", I put it on while bitching about Glenn Beck and making Sarah Palin jokes.

Why are there so many Races for The Cure? Didn't that band already make millions off of emo twats back in the 80's and 90's?

Can endorphins from orgasms compete with cocaine?
The International Masturbators Association and its "Tugs, Not Drugs" campaign hopes so.

My gun's dangerous when it's cocked and loaded, but my cock's a danger to no one when I get loaded.
#whiskeydick

If I ever skipped out on my wife and kid, I'd make sure to leave during a game of hide and seek. Abandonment can be fun!

A librarian who pronounces it "lieberry" tells you all you need to know about government jobs.

I sure hope New Twitter's as good as New Coke® was!

I hope the new twitter disables retweets.

What's it called when I say "Freudian slit" every time I mean to say "Freudian slip"?

The salesman at Best Buy looked me over and said I should get a Panasonic stereo.
I hate being stereotyped like that!