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Pretty much spent all of earth hour in the dark, taking no makeup selfies with my peen in a sock.
So sad to be missing Kings of Leon tonight. (Haha, April Fools! They're awful.)
So many average pizza joints could instantly become above average or better if they just cranked up their ovens like, 50% hotter.
The tradition of "pardoning a turkey" in a country where the death penalty is still legal is beyond parody.
That public piano you're playing? A drunk guy once played chopsticks on it with his balls.
Just so you know, America, having a big holiday less than a month before another big holiday is dumb and we all judge.
"Is it Tuesday or Wednesday?" "It's Thursday, dude." My week, summed up in one conversation.
It's kinda neat that in 15 years from now the entire Canadian world junior hockey team will be named either Jayden or Caden.
I'm not very manly & can't build stuff or change tires n shit but I will wake you up with a kiss at midnight on your birthday. ❤️ you, wife.
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