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So many old dudes having Atlas Shrugged-esq "these people don't deserve the fruits of my hard work" hissy-fit inner monologues right now.
THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
Pretty much spent all of earth hour in the dark, taking no makeup selfies with my peen in a sock.
FLAMES FLAMES FLAMES FLAMES
So sad to be missing Kings of Leon tonight. (Haha, April Fools! They're awful.)
So many average pizza joints could instantly become above average or better if they just cranked up their ovens like, 50% hotter.
The tradition of "pardoning a turkey" in a country where the death penalty is still legal is beyond parody.
That public piano you're playing? A drunk guy once played chopsticks on it with his balls.
Just so you know, America, having a big holiday less than a month before another big holiday is dumb and we all judge.
Don't be scared.
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