Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Sex is a great way to start a conversation.
Weed gets legalized in a part of Canada, and it doesn't even trend on Twitter. Goddamn lazy stoners can't even RT the best news in history.
On this date 4 years ago, I was too lazy to take down my Christmas tree, so I just moved out of my apartment and left it there.
If I die and get resurrected as an animal, I hope it's a donkey, or at least some other animal that women still have sex with.
The best defense in a murder case is being a white girl.
Somewhere in the world somebody's baby needs to shut the fuck up.
Keep staring at me like that, tiny infant. I will slap that milky breast right out of your mouth and suck on it myself.
Hey assholes, I'm drunk! Fuck you! I love you! Shut up, bitch. Hit me first!
I love sending random old men on Facebook messages saying, "I think there's a chance that you're my real father" attached to a friend invite
Every time I see an extremely old, but adorable couple holding hands, I think "Awww, look at that. They're going to die soon."
Just unfriended a girl on Facebook for saying that she's going to visit her "nefew." Seriously? WTF. My neese has better spelling skills.
I heard if you get struck by lightning while you have a boner, the boner never goes away.
Just deleted a Facebook friend for posting a photo of her kid taking a dump on a "grown-up" toilet for the first time.
Why does Victoria Secret have those sexy ass mannequins in the window if you aren't supposed to masturbate to them? Answer that, mall cop.
NOBODY thanked God tonight at the Academy Awards. Take that, God!
That drunk girl needs to wipe that Smirnoff her face.
I saw a girl at the store buying Monistat. I tried to make her feel less self-conscious by saying, "Don't worry hun, I can't smell it."
Spice Girls: I'll tell YOU what I want, what I really really want. What I really really really want is to know what the F a "zigazig ha" is.
Not caring about your grammar on Twitter is the equivalent of wearing a filthy oversize Looney Tunes t-shirt to the grocery store.
If you type with the Caps Lock on, make sure to add "I AM A STUPID ASSHOLE" to the end of everything.
I'm looking for a single babysitter that will work for free and also has huge tits. Will settle for above average-size tits.