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Weed gets legalized in a part of Canada, and it doesn't even trend on Twitter. Goddamn lazy stoners can't even RT the best news in history.
On this date 4 years ago, I was too lazy to take down my Christmas tree, so I just moved out of my apartment and left it there.
If I die and get resurrected as an animal, I hope it's a donkey, or at least some other animal that women still have sex with.
Keep staring at me like that, tiny infant. I will slap that milky breast right out of your mouth and suck on it myself.
I love sending random old men on Facebook messages saying, "I think there's a chance that you're my real father" attached to a friend invite
Every time I see an extremely old, but adorable couple holding hands, I think "Awww, look at that. They're going to die soon."
Just unfriended a girl on Facebook for saying that she's going to visit her "nefew." Seriously? WTF. My neese has better spelling skills.
I heard if you get struck by lightning while you have a boner, the boner never goes away.
Just deleted a Facebook friend for posting a photo of her kid taking a dump on a "grown-up" toilet for the first time.
Why does Victoria Secret have those sexy ass mannequins in the window if you aren't supposed to masturbate to them? Answer that, mall cop.
I saw a girl at the store buying Monistat. I tried to make her feel less self-conscious by saying, "Don't worry hun, I can't smell it."
Spice Girls: I'll tell YOU what I want, what I really really want. What I really really really want is to know what the F a "zigazig ha" is.
Not caring about your grammar on Twitter is the equivalent of wearing a filthy oversize Looney Tunes t-shirt to the grocery store.
If you type with the Caps Lock on, make sure to add "I AM A STUPID ASSHOLE" to the end of everything.
I'm looking for a single babysitter that will work for free and also has huge tits. Will settle for above average-size tits.
