people wearing snuggies look like rich hobos to me.

So we share 98% of our DNA with chimpanzees, but I only share 50% of my DNA with my father? Not sure if this explains anything yet...

What if seagulls are always screeching because they're afriaid of heights, but flying is their only viable form of transportation?

When god closes a door he opens a window... You know; because he likes to watch you struggle as you climb down from the 3rd story.

Putting ducktape over my bandages so that they don't get wet in the shower. I can already tell this is a stupid idea.

Random text from unknown number: "Dude! If you type "coughing" into google images you get pictures of people sucking invisable dicks!"

Yes it is.

Is time travel possible?

I dated a Peacock once. True Story - Drunk Bird

I'm not sure I understand all the rules, but I think I'm losing at twitter.

Where can I get one of those cool hats with the brim facing backwards?

Imagine if the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame had a no doping policy.

If a genie promises to grant you a wish, hire a lawyer to write up a contract that will enslave him to you, and then wish for him to sign it

If I take the same route on my bike every week does that count as recycling?

I'm going to write my new research paper as a Wikipedia page and wait for all the wiki moderators to site my sources for me.

I don't know how to express myself now that google got rid of the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

How ironic is it that we call OCD a 'dis'-order?

Theoretically, how much Whoopass can one fit into a can?

I've been practicing putting my pants on both legs at the same time, just so that saying would no longer apply to me.

I'm drawing outside the lines for artistic value, not because I'm sloppy.

I don't celebrate Pi day until 1:59pm. Yeah, that's right; I take it to the 5th decimal place.