I got my first real iPhone ,

Bought it at the five-and-dime ,

Tweeted till my fingers bled ,

It was the summer of 2009.

Basically porn doesn't Point and laugh at me.

My bank manager denied my loan for a drive through titty bar,he obviously doesn't have a twitter account or he'd be all like…… cha Ching.

After my smoke break I returned to work to find my boss in a pool of blood then I remembered why I tied the piece of string around my finger

I gave the mother in law flowers this morning, I'm sure she'll be grazing on them by now.

Instead of "oh my god" I say "all my gods" because yeah I'm a clever cunt and I like to have a back up plan.

I've been playing rock paper scissors with my reflection in the mirror and he's started laughing at my run of bad luck.

My sex life is so bad at the moment I'm thinking of replacing my nuts with moth balls.

I haven't had sex for so long, I've started masturbating in my dreams.

I bumped into my ex girlfriend today and she still looks amazing,I'd like to have a comfort blanket made entirely out of her skin.

I worked hard in school building a nickname like DONKEY DICK only to lose it with the first woman I slept with.

I was really hoping you were going to be funny by the looks of your avi.

All the tweets I star can be used as witches spells.

I see beyoncé has finally taken a dump.

Need to start wearing my track suit when jogging I'm getting some strange looks wearing my Borat leotard.

I except your apology and raise you with a small penis insult and a spinning heel kick

How many stars must a tweet get before its classed as elite

The answer my friend is blowing out your ass,the answer is blowing out your ass

Stock bells ring,are you listening
In the trash,banks are glistening
purse stings tight
We're happy 2nite
Walking in a winter falloutland

There's a lot of work related jokes today,I'm not going there.I was fired for jumping across the desks trying to catch a fly with 2 pens.

It helps to be attractive in life,I'm just shit out of luck.