Made the mistake of putting my alarm on shuffle instead of snooze. Woke up in the 3rd Century. At 8pm!

A day will come when an X factor loser walks off the show, through the adverts, and into the jungle.

That Stewart Lee piece in full- http://bit.ly/nmMUvC

Bought a Splish-Splash for a generic baby. She loved it, but sadly slipped on a crayon & banged her head on an unprotected tap. #apprentice

This is the funniest thing ever. RT @td_ward: This is a picture of Ken Barlow. It is inexplicable http://bit.ly/ik0Sem. Goodnight.

Now I am married I need a job. I applied for G4S but failed to answer their security question correctly: "Do you do duvets?"

A jelly that is both edible and a male grooming product, Modern Jellyman. I'd buy it. #apprentice

Here's me & @trevorneal meeting @donsinging & @bobcorner aka The Singing Corner http://t.co/ZKq90giW

Happy New Year. Xxx http://t.co/bP0j2Kqo

Just hearing list of all the great things Thatcher did. Who knew?

ooh look! My @thepunrun contribution gets a mention @huffpostukcom  http://huff.to/13BgvHs 

#xfactor is on for 2hrs 20 mins!? Who the fuck are the guest artists? Yes and Rush?

Rooney is such a spoilt ponce, calling for a card. Are footballer's not men?

Damn! They cut just before we see who gets fired next week. #apprentice

My friend Clare has produced a great radio sci-fi drama. Have a listen here- http://bit.ly/eFjXJ4

Dildo Baggins. #theapprentice

Let's see if the power of Twitter can get my car back. Keep your eyes peeled for N202JGP, a 15 yr old dark green Ford Fiesta.

I know Wogan warned me it starts in black and white, but i am still banging the top of my TV. #eurovision

You MUST NOT vote. Do NOT use a landline. Do NOT use a mobile. Do NOT add anything. If you have an app, destroy it now. #eurovision

I'm astonished! When I worked with #theapprentice Jaz on Hard Spell Abbey!  http://twitpic.com/cozqfy