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Made the mistake of putting my alarm on shuffle instead of snooze. Woke up in the 3rd Century. At 8pm!
A day will come when an X factor loser walks off the show, through the adverts, and into the jungle.
Bought a Splish-Splash for a generic baby. She loved it, but sadly slipped on a crayon & banged her head on an unprotected tap. #apprentice
Now I am married I need a job. I applied for G4S but failed to answer their security question correctly: "Do you do duvets?"
A jelly that is both edible and a male grooming product, Modern Jellyman. I'd buy it. #apprentice
Just hearing list of all the great things Thatcher did. Who knew?
#xfactor is on for 2hrs 20 mins!? Who the fuck are the guest artists? Yes and Rush?
Rooney is such a spoilt ponce, calling for a card. Are footballer's not men?
Damn! They cut just before we see who gets fired next week. #apprentice
Dildo Baggins. #theapprentice
Let's see if the power of Twitter can get my car back. Keep your eyes peeled for N202JGP, a 15 yr old dark green Ford Fiesta.
I'm the Simon out of Trev and Simon, those idiots who used to muck around on Saturday mornings