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At this moment, the only difference between me and a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float is about 15 pounds.
There's just no way to lick a celery stalk without looking somewhat provocative.
Covering my entire body with Post-it®. Tonight, I want a Full Body Message.
New spam DM asking if I want to participate in the Beta testing of an iPhone app called "Anal Thermometer". I'm not falling for that again.
I'm cool with the fact that Barbie has a bare beaver but I'm torn on the whole nippleless issue.
Vagisil should not be used as a toothpaste. Coming up....Changing Light Bulbs and Other Bright Ideas on the DIY Network
Is that a volcano in your pocket or are you just Eyjafjallajökull to see me?
Me: <takes deep breath> I'm ready for my prostate exam.
Dentist: Sir, this is awkward.
Me: Should I dress myself?
The word "titillate" isn't used nearly enough in the English language.
The letters of the word Wednesday can be rearranged to form the phrase "d was needy". I wonder what else Sesame Street is hiding from us.
Today you realize that no one gives a rat's ass about your horoscope and finally turn off Twitter notifications... More for Aquarius.
Yes, Officer, my car was weaving. Can you shake a cocktail and drive at the same time?
If there is a God, I hope he's capable of the unconditional love of two puppies.
I'm wearing the kind of elastic pants that pregnant women wear. Bring it on!
super skooter riding panda of doom
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