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At this moment, the only difference between me and a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float is about 15 pounds.
There's just no way to lick a celery stalk without looking somewhat provocative.
Covering my entire body with Post-it®. Tonight, I want a Full Body Message.
New spam DM asking if I want to participate in the Beta testing of an iPhone app called "Anal Thermometer". I'm not falling for that again.
RETWEET THIS OR THE PANDA GETS IT.
I'm cool with the fact that Barbie has a bare beaver but I'm torn on the whole nippleless issue.
Vagisil should not be used as a toothpaste. Coming up....Changing Light Bulbs and Other Bright Ideas on the DIY Network
Is that a volcano in your pocket or are you just Eyjafjallajökull to see me?
Me: <takes deep breath> I'm ready for my prostate exam.
Dentist: Sir, this is awkward.
Me: Should I dress myself?
Do not read this tweet. Stop it. Damn you!
The word "titillate" isn't used nearly enough in the English language.
The letters of the word Wednesday can be rearranged to form the phrase "d was needy". I wonder what else Sesame Street is hiding from us.
I AM NOW THE DICTATOR OF LABIA.
Today you realize that no one gives a rat's ass about your horoscope and finally turn off Twitter notifications... More for Aquarius.
OH: "Silence is Golden, But Duct Tape is Silver."
Does this nipple rouge make me look fat?
Yes, Officer, my car was weaving. Can you shake a cocktail and drive at the same time?
If there is a God, I hope he's capable of the unconditional love of two puppies.
I'm wearing the kind of elastic pants that pregnant women wear. Bring it on!