Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm

What time does twitter close?

I'm so old my bra size is 36 long!

I think change is good...you go first!

Women don't snore, burp, sweat or pass gas. Therefore we must bitch or we will BLOW UP!

Damn, now there's too much blood in my caffeine system !

I'll have a vodka-valium latte to go please. . .

.Sign reads: Beware of attack wife!

Guys, please tell your pants not to point...thank you!

Women do not snore burp sweat or pass gas. Therefore we must bi*ch or we will blow up!

I'm convinced half of you are on drugs and the other half should be.

I wish I may, I wish I might have my 1st 10 star tweet tonite, just sayin

I'm not sayin I have a hangover, but sunglasses were used while opening the fridge.

Who me overweight? Nope, just disproportionately abundant!

Wow, and I thought I had no life

The "L" in my luck has been replaced with an "F"

You're just jealous because the voices in my head are talking to me and not you :D

It's a play with bubbles kinda day

If anyone knows how to turn back the hands of time I'll be waiting

A real friend will share their vicodin with you when you fall into the bathtub and crack your tailbone!