Your kindness isn't a substitute for your lack of personal hygiene.

I only want lots and lots of Twizzlers, and for someone to lick my vagina. Is that so wrong?

I think that nipple clamps can also substitute for clothespins in an emergency.

Deciding to try ass-fucking for the first time was so much easier than trying to pick out a bathing suit has ever been.

Temperatures today might actually be higher than some people on Twitter.

I do actually care about what you're saying in the morning, but until I've had enough coffee, I'm unable to act like it.

I'd like to create a verbal contract between my tongue and your penis.

I know this is real because I even love you when you're clothed.

My vagina always wakes up before I do.

You had me at "I'm hard."

I'm taking this relationship to the next level by convincing you to change your brand of toilet paper to mine.

I think T-Rexes were aggressive because their arms were too short to hug each other.

I comb my timeline for good tweets more carefully than I comb my hair.

PS, I'm also unfollowing the shit out of some over-hyped so-called "funny" or "cool" people that aren't following back. You're welcome.

I hate having to poop in the middle of a perfectly good shower.

I once had a boyfriend that was able to blow himself. I left because I was jealous of him.

I'm a living example of what not to do in real life and what you definitely need to do in the bedroom.

My favorite moment from the VMAs has to be not watching them.

Reality is my vacation from Twitter and Twitter is my vacation from reality.

Let's see.If I continue to gain 100 followers per day, and remain on Twitter for a lifetime...that equals...me continuing to be bad at math.