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"People are often curious why I'm a lesbian. Ladies & gentlemen, the cast of Entourage." -Jane Lynch at the Emmys. #bestlineever
I simply cannot relate to anyone who doesn’t change into pajamas the minute they get home.
Challenge yourself not to write "lol!" after every tweet.
I flirted SO HARD today. Got on a treadmill right next to a cute guy at the gym and didn't look at him the entire time!
Waiting for a guy to text you back is almost more painful than waiting that long 5 seconds to skip the ad on YouTube.
If I don't respond right away it means I'm busy. If you don't respond right away it means you're a dick.
This guy wrote "for all intensive purposes" on his OKCupid profile. But he looks exactly like Ryan Reynolds. Another round of vag vs. brain.
They don't tell you in sex ed that intercourse can lead to mid-grade neurosis & voices in your head chanting, "Why hasn't he called?"
Facebook is for people who want to brag about how rad their life is. Twitter is for people who want to bitch about how shitty their life is.
You know you're getting old when you're not only not bummed out that you don't have plans Friday night, you're actually relieved.
What would Ryan Lochte do? Apparently he'd let E! do a reality show about how dumb he is but not realize it because he's so dumb.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Or a bitter, untrusting, pessimistic bastard. Either way.
I hear people on Twitter unfollow you if you curse. What a bunch of fucking assholes.
AT&T wants me back. Puh-lease, after the shoddy way you treated me? I have a new boyfriend, with a bigger penis, and his name is Verizon.
Me: I'm getting it.
Me: Can't you see I'm getting it? 30 seconds.
Me: OK, here!
Cat: OTHER FOOD!
I'm a single girl dating in LA. Sometimes. It's interesting. Read my blog - it's juicy.