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"People are often curious why I'm a lesbian. Ladies & gentlemen, the cast of Entourage." -Jane Lynch at the Emmys. #bestlineever
I simply cannot relate to anyone who doesn’t change into pajamas the minute they get home.
Challenge yourself not to write "lol!" after every tweet.
They don't tell you in sex ed that intercourse can lead to mid-grade neurosis & voices in your head chanting, "Why hasn't he called?"
Facebook is for people who want to brag about how rad their life is. Twitter is for people who want to bitch about how shitty their life is.
What would Ryan Lochte do? Apparently he'd let E! do a reality show about how dumb he is but not realize it because he's so dumb.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Or a bitter, untrusting, pessimistic bastard. Either way.
I hear people on Twitter unfollow you if you curse. What a bunch of fucking assholes.
AT&T wants me back. Puh-lease, after the shoddy way you treated me? I have a new boyfriend, with a bigger penis, and his name is Verizon.
In my mind I need to set aside an entire day to complete a task that in reality takes only 20 minutes.
Ladies, for the love of god, please, PLEASE stop peeing all over toilet seats. We are a more civilized people than our male counterparts.
Ever get really excited that you have absolutely no plans for the weekend?
Just unfollowed a pregnant friend on Facebook. Sorry, girl, I couldn't take it anymore.
I'm sorry, I just threw away all the Christmas cards with your kids' pics in them.
Top 5 ways to get your ex back: #1-5: Stop it.
My Facebook friends are so boring, posting pics of babies and food and shit. Thank god you guys are nice and depraved.
Saw three vaginas at the Venice Art Walk today. Gay bf didn't recognize them.
I'm a single girl dating in LA. Sometimes. It's interesting. Read my blog - it's juicy.