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Jerk coworker brought portable oxygen to work. Would it be inappropriate and/or unladylike to throw lit matches at him?
Took a while, but I finally managed to write my name in the snow.
Related: My crotch is frozen.
Totally sucks to be a girl sometimes.
Florida: God's waiting room. #rejectedstatenames
Shove over Thursday, you're blocking my view of Friday.
At what age does dignity die? Asking for 65+ yr old shirtless neighbor with lime green Hawaiian shorts, floppy hat & big jiggly moobs.
If a man has sex with a cow, is he heifersexual??
My banana eating skills bring all the male coworkers to my cube.
Please apply the lotion to your epidermus, lest I should respond by utilizing the hose again. #calmMovieLines
Dear Brad Pitt,
The old lady VaJayJay on your chin is freaking me the fuck out. Get a Brazillian on that shit at once.
At midnight tonight I will be on my roof doing the nekkid snow dance.
At least until the police arrive.
What I'm doing to this obscenely delicious pumpkin muffin is covered under "don't ask, don't tell", right??
Moody coworker just threw a shit fit over something minor. Does anyone have a spare Midol for him?
Your nipples are red /
Your balls are quite blue /
Imma tighten the clamps /
And the restraints too
Wow, lookit all that powder outside! I MEANT SNOW! Put the straw away! Mom.
After watching Survivor for 10 years I've decided to apply to be on the show!!
So ..... when does Survivor: Luxury 5-Star Hotel start???
#theidealboss - doesn't mind my jammies and bunny slippers on Casual Friday
LeBron ...... LeBlowMe...
Hey, anybody else notice that some of the "smartest" people in the world can be as dumb as a box of hair???
Brangelina is breaking up? Guess all that Brad Pitt stalking I did is finally paying off.
Meet other hypocrites!! #catholictaglines