I believe I'm at my "thuggest" when I'm sitting here rapping along to Three Six Mafia and playing Sims, bundled up tightly in my snuggie.

The longer you're married, the more uncomfortable the laughter becomes when you're both standing at the top of some stairs.

Growing up poor sounds hard, Grandma, but at least you didn't have the stress of trying to take a decent ass pic for your internet boyfriend

If you think that me favoriting all of your tweets is creepy, you should talk to the guy sleeping in this bed I'm hiding under.

If tickle fights don't always finish with furious anal sex, then my Uncle Dave has a lot of explaining to do.

Fuck illness. Fuck death. My greatest fear is somehow accidentally "sharing" a video I just viewed on Redtube.

Trying to keep your boring wife oblivious to your slutty mistress is similar to how I try to keep anyone from Facebook away from my Twitter.

There's nothing any of you can do to stop me from saving your Twitter picture to my phone and telling people we're lovers. Nothing.

I'll start using condoms when they're made out of penis.

It's my birthday & if I want to sit on this couch by myself crying while eating ice cream naked then I should be able to, Mr. IKEA manager.

If I die in my sleep and my body is found without my hand down my pants, know that I died unfulfilled and avenge my death.

If you've ever started off cooking an omelette that didn't turn into scrambled eggs, you're a better person than me

It's always "I want sex" on here with you men, but when I show up at your house it's suddenly "Get off of me" & "I'm calling the cops."

Wearing a long skirt today for the first time in years and now I want to buy organic and breastfeed a child until it's nine years old.

I usually only have one thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning- what a couple of T. Rexes would look like fencing.

My prison pen pal is being released next week. Been nice knowing you guys and being alive and stuff.

My loneliness is so developed, I absorb affection from the body heat you leave on the bus seat.

I miss the old days of the internet when we were all old, fat guys pretending to be 14 year old girls.

Movies are such bullshit. I take off my nerd glasses in slow motion every day and not once has Freddie Prinze, Jr. asked me to the prom.

My mom told me I needed to act my age so I told that bitch to fuck off ... in my iCarly secret diary.