Sex tip: If you find a huge hair on her nipple, don't throw up.

I really like this girl, but I'm afraid that if I talk to her, a butterfly will shoot out of my mouth and hit her in the face.

Years ago I saved someone from drowning but you don't hear me bragging about it more than a few times a day.

If Nate Dogg had asked me to go to the East Side Motel in that sexy voice, I would NOT have been able to resist.

It's stupid when people say "I think I'm gonna call it a night". Hate to break it to you, but it's been called that for ages now.

Twitter is to play on words what McDonalds is to diabetes.

I put cologne on before bed in case I have to give a firefighter some gentlemanly scents while they're carrying me through a house fire

I just saw a Mexican Ghostbuster chasing a ghost who looked EXACTLY like a pile of leaves!

If the old wives' tale is to be believed, Robin Williams must masturbate with his entire body.

3 Men & a Baby is so ridiculous. You'd be lucky to have just Ted Danson as your dad. Adding Steve Guttenberg and Tom Selleck is just greed

Nothing seemed to be going my way. Then I ate some bacon! Now there are lines of girls outside my house & I can't stop winning the lottery!

It's alright Grandma, you can go back to sleep, I was just trying to keep your face warm with this large heavy pillow.... hush now...Shhhhhh

I wonder if Malcolm X and Jackie O ever play TIC-TAC-TOE up in heaven.

I use a megaphone to wake my kids in the middle of the night because THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE, MOM'S DEAD! I usually stop once they start crying

I really hope Jim Varney's tombstone says "Ernest Goes To Heaven".

If ya see an old lady carrying groceries get knocked over by a truck for gods sake get your ass over there!

Free groceries are hard to find

The dictionary is nothing more than a Post-Modern conceptual Haiku poem about everything.

The only thing more gratifying than helping an elderly woman cross a busy street is pushing her into the path of a speeding bus.

It's all fun and games until you find out your Thai wife had testicular cancer.

Here we go. Very good. You're doing a great job of reading this. Just passed the middle. Nearly there. Wonderful job. All done. And star it!