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After 4 drinks all my hugs come with a boner.
If you ever see me driving an ice cream truck, I'm drunk and I stole it.
Calculators in the early 80s had little solar panels, get on that shit, cell phone companies.
I can't think of a single reason why I shouldn't buy a T-shirt cannon.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Party at my house! 21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over.
My Tony Danza pillows are cool on both sides.
I dont care about the "Gays", but I strongly feel gingers shouldn't marry.
Once a week I mail Gordon Ramsey a burnt scallop. No return address.
Pretty sure my drink just told me to take my pants off.
It's cute how all the girls in this club are too intimidated to come hit on me. *spills drink on sweatpants*
The "M" in ATM stands for "Machine". So stop saying "ATM machine".
Last warning, world.
"I want to look older and fatter" - Girls about to cut their hair short.
After 8 drinks I'll get naked and fight a cop. I know my limits.
I type up fake hitman contracts then throw them away. Just incase anyone digs through my trash.
I wrote a letter to my friends and family for when I die, to be read at my funeral. It says "I never liked any of you". Thats it.
My Grandma just said "Ass to ass" in a sentence. I'll just pretend that never happened.
I hope I'm never in a position where I have to choose between sex or pizza rolls. Life is hard enough the way it is.
I know with in the first few mins of meeting a woman whether I will eat her ass or not.
You just calm the fuck down, North Korea.
In 1997 I shit my pants at a Hooters.
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