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If you ever see me driving an ice cream truck, I'm drunk and I stole it.
After 4 drinks all my hugs come with a boner.
Calculators in the early 80s had little solar panels, get on that shit, cell phone companies.
I can't think of a single reason why I shouldn't buy a T-shirt cannon.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Party at my house! 21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over.
My Tony Danza pillows are cool on both sides.
I dont care about the "Gays", but I strongly feel gingers shouldn't marry.
Pretty sure my drink just told me to take my pants off.
Once a week I mail Gordon Ramsey a burnt scallop. No return address.
It's cute how all the girls in this club are too intimidated to come hit on me. *spills drink on sweatpants*
After 8 drinks I'll get naked and fight a cop. I know my limits.
"I want to look older and fatter" - Girls about to cut their hair short.
I type up fake hitman contracts then throw them away. Just incase anyone digs through my trash.
My Grandma just said "Ass to ass" in a sentence. I'll just pretend that never happened.
I wrote a letter to my friends and family for when I die, to be read at my funeral. It says "I never liked any of you". Thats it.
I hope I'm never in a position where I have to choose between sex or pizza rolls. Life is hard enough the way it is.
You just calm the fuck down, North Korea.
I know with in the first few mins of meeting a woman whether I will eat her ass or not.
If you RT me, I will show your boyfriend/husband where your clitoris is. Twice.