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There's no 'i' in unicorn. Or maybe there is. Look, what I'm trying to say is, we'll never find one if we don't work as a team.
Bunny: This holiday sucks for me.
Turkey: Give me a fucking break.
Just googled "what does twerk mean" so I think the next logical step is to buy myself a coffin at Costco.
I hate that it's only ME that can prevent forest fires.
The moral of the story is never maybe murder someone in Italy because they will NOT let it go.
There is nothing more terrifying than your kid silently walking into your room at 3am, creeping right up to your bed and whispering "Mama."
Jodie Foster just said a lot of words. Maybe all of them.
Personal trainer handed me a flier as I was on a stroller walk. "In case you ever want to work out" he said. I ate the flier in front of him
How come guys fall asleep instantly but girls have to adjust their body twenty times, go eat a donut, think deep thoughts and THEN pass out?
Guess what!? I've seen your Instagram photos, you don't need to turn them into a collage that hurts my brain.
I hope they never name him. I hope we tweet about this forever more.
TRIVIA: It's the same dude at every golf tournament who says "GET IN THE HOLE!" after every shot.
There should be a special plane for parents flying alone with sick kids. A plane full of nannies and booze.
Sitting next to a British couple who are using words like 'lovely' and 'pleasant' and now I feel like I talk like a monster.
When do they hold him up like Simba and sing "MAAAAAAAAAH, SABINGYAAAAAAAH, BADAH-BEE-SITEEMONE!!!!" ??
Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering if it's "I lie awake" or "I lay awake" and will I ever remember the difference God?
I just made eye contact with the person in the car next to me and we both mouthed the word "spaghetti" at the same time. I feel weird.
Blue Ivy did that. She is so powerful.