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There's no 'i' in unicorn. Or maybe there is. Look, what I'm trying to say is, we'll never find one if we don't work as a team.
Bunny: This holiday sucks for me.
Turkey: Give me a fucking break.
Just googled "what does twerk mean" so I think the next logical step is to buy myself a coffin at Costco.
I hate that it's only ME that can prevent forest fires.
The moral of the story is never maybe murder someone in Italy because they will NOT let it go.
Jodie Foster just said a lot of words. Maybe all of them.
Personal trainer handed me a flier as I was on a stroller walk. "In case you ever want to work out" he said. I ate the flier in front of him
How come guys fall asleep instantly but girls have to adjust their body twenty times, go eat a donut, think deep thoughts and THEN pass out?
TRIVIA: It's the same dude at every golf tournament who says "GET IN THE HOLE!" after every shot.
Sitting next to a British couple who are using words like 'lovely' and 'pleasant' and now I feel like I talk like a monster.
I just made eye contact with the person in the car next to me and we both mouthed the word "spaghetti" at the same time. I feel weird.
Blue Ivy did that. She is so powerful.
Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering if it's "I lie awake" or "I lay awake" and will I ever remember the difference God?
The Berenstain Bears were super lazy about naming their children.
I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but you're putting the dishes in the dishwasher all wrong.
Why do women in commercials eat chocolate with their eyes closed? I stare at mine as it goes in my mouth until I go cross-eyed.