There's no 'i' in unicorn. Or maybe there is. Look, what I'm trying to say is, we'll never find one if we don't work as a team.

Bunny: This holiday sucks for me.
Turkey: Give me a fucking break.

Just googled "what does twerk mean" so I think the next logical step is to buy myself a coffin at Costco.

Dear @julietsimmsall and @nbcthevoice... wow. WOW. Just wow.

I hate that it's only ME that can prevent forest fires.

The moral of the story is never maybe murder someone in Italy because they will NOT let it go.

Congrats @blakeshelton on not dropping my baby (much)! pic.twitter.com/yJgf18WQ

Jodie Foster just said a lot of words. Maybe all of them.

Personal trainer handed me a flier as I was on a stroller walk. "In case you ever want to work out" he said. I ate the flier in front of him

How come guys fall asleep instantly but girls have to adjust their body twenty times, go eat a donut, think deep thoughts and THEN pass out?

TRIVIA: It's the same dude at every golf tournament who says "GET IN THE HOLE!" after every shot.

Sitting next to a British couple who are using words like 'lovely' and 'pleasant' and now I feel like I talk like a monster.

I just made eye contact with the person in the car next to me and we both mouthed the word "spaghetti" at the same time. I feel weird.

Blue Ivy did that. She is so powerful.

Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering if it's "I lie awake" or "I lay awake" and will I ever remember the difference God?

The Berenstain Bears were super lazy about naming their children.

I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but you're putting the dishes in the dishwasher all wrong.

@jimmykimmel Hoping people UnFriend ME cause I worked out HARD today ooo like this picture of a cat feeding a baby pig and I miss Mitt! #NUD

Why do women in commercials eat chocolate with their eyes closed? I stare at mine as it goes in my mouth until I go cross-eyed.

Happy Birthday to the tallest woman I know, @blakeshelton.