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McDonalds sweet & sour sauce is just the blood of the obese diabetic children who got stuck in the play place.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
Congratulate you on losing weight? Maybe when you throw me a parade for never being obese in the first place.
At first I was like "Why isn't my iPad taking pictures?!" but then I was all "Oh this is a cookie sheet." Honest mistake.
Mom asked what I was laughing at. I said Twitter. She asked how to find my page. This is the same face I had on 9/11.
My ex wanted me to pour this sugar in his gas tank. He didn't say it like that. The actual text said "fuck you whore" but I got the message.
You know what's sexy? Not being a fucking asshole.
Yeah, keep pissing me off like I haven't been training to clean up a bloody murder scene since my first period...
I really live for those first five minutes of a relationship, before the hate sets in.
My vagina is so stubbly it looks like its been up all night solving crime.
Do you ever get your period and think, well that explains those 30 arguments I started this morning?
If there's a more important decision than picking a towel you won't mind turning into a murder scene for period sex someone please tell me.
Why couldn't I have been the hot, tan, Mila Kunis kind of Russian instead of the pale, blocky, 'help me move these trees' kind of Russian?!
Relationships, because how else will you know how you're failing as a person?
I can't be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission
The other day bf kissed me softly, looked in my eyes & asked why my tampon wasn't out yet. Sorry ladies, guess I got the last romantic one.
This pint of ice cream I ate in one sitting really brings out the natural colors in my loneliness.
I like people who use song lyrics at the end of their FB posts. It lets me know they're sensitive and about to be deleted of my friend list.
Poor bf...guy thinks I can't talk around his dick in my mouth. He's going to hear about my shitty day even if it chokes me.
Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.
Stand up comedian at local bus stops and contributing columnist to any public bathroom stall I walk into. http://t.co/bhkezlKff4