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McDonalds sweet & sour sauce is just the blood of the obese diabetic children who got stuck in the play place.
My vagina is so stubbly it looks like its been up all night solving crime.
My ex wanted me to pour this sugar in his gas tank. He didn't say it like that. The actual text said "fuck you whore" but I got the message.
At first I was like "Why isn't my iPad taking pictures?!" but then I was all "Oh this is a cookie sheet." Honest mistake.
Congratulate you on losing weight? Maybe when you throw me a parade for never being obese in the first place.
Christians talk about jesus coming back like he's a dad who left for cigarettes when they were younger.
You know what's sexy? Not being a fucking asshole.
Mom asked what I was laughing at. I said Twitter. She asked how to find my page. This is the same face I had on 9/11.
Do you ever get your period and think, well that explains those 30 arguments I started this morning?
I really live for those first five minutes of a relationship, before the hate sets in.
Yeah, keep pissing me off like I haven't been training to clean up a bloody murder scene since my first period...
Relationships, because how else will you know how you're failing as a person?
Why couldn't I have been the hot, tan, Mila Kunis kind of Russian instead of the pale, blocky, 'help me move these trees' kind of Russian?!
If there's a more important decision than picking a towel you won't mind turning into a murder scene for period sex someone please tell me.
I can't be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission
This pint of ice cream I ate in one sitting really brings out the natural colors in my loneliness.
Poor bf...guy thinks I can't talk around his dick in my mouth. He's going to hear about my shitty day even if it chokes me.
Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.
The other day bf kissed me softly, looked in my eyes & asked why my tampon wasn't out yet. Sorry ladies, guess I got the last romantic one.
Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday #NotMeUs
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