Anyone know any Sodium, Bromine , or Oxygen jokes? Na BrO

I think I'm finally doing Twitter right. I haven't had a RL friend call me in weeks and I still have to charge my smart phone 3x a day.

I've always felt that murdering a single customer may actually be better customer service for the rest of the customers. It's a one off.

I hope none of you imaginary people were injured when my phone bounced.

I'm thinking of having myself commited. Not that I'm THAT crazy, but I just see them having a wonderful selection of drugs and board games.

While it's true that no man is his own island, if you tie a bunch of dead men together it makes for a pretty good raft.

I've had so much caffeine today that I can see 5 minutes into the future.

Masturbating with toothpaste is not an advised activity.

Spare some stars? You sir? Stars? I've lost the use of my legs. Spare some stars? Miss, spare some stars for a veteran? *shakes cup* Damnit.

If this kid asks me, "Guess what?" one more time... I'm gonna stab him... and blame the cat.

I refuse to follow anyone who uses excessive slang, can't spell, or types in caps. I prefer classy dick and pussy jokes on twitter.

So when I get 100 followers I get a zombie riding a unicorn named bacon and my name written on cleavage. What? That's not how twitter works?

My sister's kid asked me today what the hypotenuse of a square and a diamond was... nice try ya little bastard, nice try.

2 in the pink and 2 in the stink = The Spocker

Enough "occupy my vagina" jokes. Thousands of people involved with that occupying shit right now. Your pussy would look like a wind sock.

That whole your/you're thing is at least 5x as funny when it's in a tattoo.

I once had a boss that said,"You can't trust a man with facial hair." My response was,"I can't work for a guy who looks like Count Chocula."

Seriously though... what the fuck kind of plant has rapeseeds? This is making me want to avoid nature.

Do the people writing the spam bots not realize that an egg with 66 tweets and 0 followers seems suspicious? Or are other people that dumb?

I'm sitting here staring at a $1300 computer I built thinking, "This has to be one of the fastest home machines used entirely for web porn."